


The Ungodly Hour~Anthony Bridgerton X OC

by ClaraAlong



Category: Bridgerton (TV), Bridgerton Series - Julia Quinn
Genre: Angst and Fluff and Smut, Arranged Marriage, Enemies to Lovers, Enemy Lovers, Eventual Smut, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Friends to Enemies, Friends to Lovers, Loss of Virginity, Love Triangles, Mutual Pining, Mutually Unrequited, Pregnancy, Sexual Tension, Slow Burn, Wedding Night, Wet Dream, in flashbacks Caroline is 15/17 and Anthony is 17/19 hence underage tag, lots of pining, mostly pining, pregnancy fluff
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-02
Updated: 2021-03-13
Packaged: 2021-03-14 01:13:49
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 14
Words: 50,314
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29163216
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ClaraAlong/pseuds/ClaraAlong
Summary: Caroline Kensington feels like a fish out of water entering Grosvenor Square for the first time. A girl from the country and of comparatively simple means she feels incredibly intimidated by the lavish balls she must attend in pursuit of her family's dream for her to marry a high-ranking suitor. However, one man is familiar, the rakishly handsome Anthony Bridgerton, who once spent his summers with her in his family's country house when they were only teenagers. Unfortunately, his familiarity proves an overwhelming burden for Caroline. Not only can she not stop thinking about him but he seems intent to hurt any chance she has at finding a suitable match. Could Anthony, the man who as a boy told her how he loved her, really do something so cruel to her as to ruin her only means to improve her life?set during the time that Daphne is pregnant because we need some goddamn DaphneXSimon pregnancy fluff we were denied in the show. Basically the end of season 1 though.
Relationships: Anthony Bridgerton/Original Character(s), Anthony Bridgerton/Original Female Character(s)
Comments: 11
Kudos: 64





	1. prologue

"when you decide you like yourself holler at me"

"Love me at the Ungodly Hour"

"You know that I, I heard it all before  
You're hesitant, but you could give me more  
When you're done, call my name"

CAST of CHARACTERS:

_~Kirsten Dunst as Caroline Kensington~_

~Anthony Bridgerton as Himself~

All other Bridgerton Characters as themselves, but you know I had to add cute pics of our boy Anthony!

a/n: I cannot listen to this song, NAY this whole album without thinking about how much of it applies to my favorite fuckboy Anthony Bridgerton (although tbh is album is kinda just my life so it applies to everything)! Anyways as stan I obviously think Chloe and Halle should be in S2 or at least their music HAS to be. Looking at you, Vitamin String Quartet! I'd get started on Forgive Me if I were you!

I think I'm gonna be extra and put songs you _can_ listen to if you so wish. They will be pop af sorry! Listen if you wanna pretend with me <3 

~Will update regularly! Will be smutty, will be steamy!~

Images of Kirsten Dunst are from Marie Antoinette, Lover's Prayer, and The Virgin Suicides


	2. part I: an ungodly hour

__

_Songs:  
Female Energy part. 2- WILLOW  
Sending my Love (Spotify Singles) - Chloe X Halle  
_ _The Knife- Maggie Rogers_

****

"Close your eyes" 

"But how will I know where I'm going if I do?"

"Don't you trust me?" 

"More than anyone, my lady," He cooed gently taking her dainty hand in his. They were rough and large. Delicately she intertwined her fingers within and across his long ones tracing each callus she could find. Reading his hand like a map. His grasp supported her as she climbed over the fallen bramble wood that littered the light deer trail.

Caroline loved when he called her his lady, even though technically she wasn't one. In title nor in spirit, at least not yet. 

"Then trust me and close your eyes already!" 

Caroline walked behind him. She reached out to grasp his shoulders intending to lead him forward. He was already so much taller than her, and to truly grasp him she had to go on tiptoes. She remembered when she was taller than him. How long ago it felt but that was only five years prior. The evidence of how much he had grown– How much of a man he had become over the many years she'd known him was finally confronting her. Though she had fought so hard to deny it. A strange tension built within her starting from her pointed toes, as if it was testing the waters of her satisfaction. 

Caroline lost focus in the moment and therefore balance as her leather slippers wrestled in the fresh mud and she slid ungracefully into the young man's strapping back.

"This is already going poorly!" He giggled. Caroline tried to find stability, wrapping her hands beneath his arms, sliding them up his hard torso ever so slowly. Her inner tension built further and she tried to expel its unyielding growth with a long hollow breath. However, it did little to alleviate the strange sensation. She felt as though every cell of her body was slowly beginning to burn from within. She dare not allow her curious fingers to travel any further up his body to caress his chest. To do so would be most improper, even for their long friendship.

He shifted his weight awkwardly reacting in surprise to the intimate and foreign gesture. His large hands slid down to where hers rested just below his rib cage. His touch encouraged the forbidden sensation as her legs, nay her entire body ached in response, screaming for a relief Caroline couldn't even articulate or understand.

He ripped her hands from his body. The loss of contact made Caroline whimper, barely audible, but to his delight, he did hear her. He spun to face the bewildered girl. A devilish smile like no other she had seen grew across his face. 

" _Oh_?" He asked innocently, his thick dark brow following the inflection. Eyes fixated upon her face, he allowed one finger to trace the soft skin of her cheek. And her quickened heartbeat echoed within her chest creating a strange sense of fear, however, she did not feel scared. 

"My lord, I–" Caroline was speechless mouth agape but longed for the caress to continue. His fingers rested dangerously close to her open mouth, and something wicked within her begged him to move them barely an inch and dote upon her lips. To take his robust finger in her mouth in intrusive overpowering sinful pleasure. The very idea of it nearly made her moan. It was if he could see this within her. His warm brown eyes invited her distracting fantasies with their penetrating gaze as she surrendered herself into his arms that found their way up her back.

She was at his mercy, suspended safely above the ground by his strong arms, allowing herself to succumb to his touch that grazed her back and delicate ribcage. Her breath was shallow and timid, unsure of the intentions of the man who compelled her so. His eyes broke away from their intimate contact and began to linger upon her soft pink lips. Then almost unconsciously with a hooded and hungry gaze, his eyes fell lower, to her neck, her collar bones, and to the soft white linen that hung seductively along her breast. 

Breasts he had chosen to politely ignore as she had developed over the past summers they had spent together. Ignore until now. His gaze was now transfixed upon her chest, watching her bated breath cause the fall and rise of her breasts against the constraints of her bodice in tedious excitement and equal pleasure. 

Caroline noticed. A small sense of guilt bestowed her for not feeling horrified at his improper transfixion upon such an intimate part of her body. However, she could not deny the strange sense of pride that overcame her, as a confident smile broke out upon her face. Revealing a precious and hidden dimple on her left cheek. 

No longer could he deny himself of his hunger. The flash of her nonchalant smile was enough to cause a guttural reaction within him. He exhaled an uncertain but lusty breath onto her skin, and without warning, perhaps even to himself instinctually pulled Caroline into his body and placed his lips upon her dimple. Applying hasty pressure as if the act was foreign to the young man. 

An intense shiver overcame Caroline's entire body begging his rough but tender kisses would encapsulate her entire body the same way the heat within herself had. 

"My lord..." Caroline repeated herself unknowingly, letting the words fall from her lips in a timid moan. He smiled at her down at her body vulnerable but safe in his arms, and much to her surprise grabbed her legs as well, picking her up into his arms. She squealed in excitement and shock, as she wrapped her arms around his neck. Her face inches from his neck. Her hot breath radiating upon the sensitive skin right where his collarbones met. Within herself, she could feel a pulsating sensation that she feared to explore, but could not resist. Her lips lingered inches from the crook of his neck, tempting her deep desires she had never encountered before. 

He carried her the excruciatingly short walk to the adjacent meadow laying her down gently in the soft grass, allowing it to tickle her sensitive skin. He gazed upon her body laid out before him with a delirium of desire. His eyes glinted a deep and lustful sensation within Caroline with each glance he blessed her body with. 

With no words, only a low and raspy groan, He allowed himself to inch closer to the girl. Slowly crawling his body, on top of hers, lightly making contact, only allowing their legs to gently brush, providing not nearly enough relief that she now realized he controlled. His knee slowly reaching between her legs traversing the path of her inner thigh through the thin fabric of her dress. 

A throaty moan erupted from her lips in reaction, as if she had tried to contain it but couldn't. A moan far louder than she dare intended. He let out a triumphant laugh at the befuddled but passionate noises he forced from her lips. 

He couldn't possibly be unaware of what he was doing to Caroline, could he? He looked as if he could be nearly as overwhelmed and perplexed as Caroline, though he dare not express it as blatantly as she had. 

"What on earth am I going to do with you, Caroline Kensington?" Anthony chuckled as he caressed her face just as he had minutes before. 

She would've responded perhaps if his gaze had not immediately shifted to her lips. And with the familiar hungry desire, he leaned towards her. Her body felt tiny laying beneath his large frame, and she arched in positive reaction begging for his lips to finally touch hers. The mixing of their hot breath on each other's skin agonized the two in teasing satisfaction. Their lips dangled, proximity nearly obscene in passion and nature.

Caroline gasped for air. Her sheets wet with sweat. Her hair had unraveled from its ribbon, leaving messy damp strands to fall along her bewildered face. She laid there frozen in time staring at the ceiling attempting to catch the breath that had been stolen from her. Exploiting that rare but tender arousal between her legs pressing her thighs together tightly rubbing against the soft fabric of her nightgown. 

Such dreams had plagued her nights before but it had been years since they had visited her. Furthermore, it had been even longer since she had seen the subject of such explicit memories. A sense of shame overcame her arousal as she realized the feelings she had so carefully packed away within her psyche were once again exploding within her. 

Rather than bother to psychoanalyze them further, Caroline left her muddled sheets and her complicated feelings for the wide windowsill, where she sat opening the window allowing the cool night air to alleviate her frustration. The sun seemed hours away and Caroline wondered if sleep for the whole night had already been stolen from her by the ghost of her past. 

Why on earth was she dreaming about Anthony Bridgerton? The thought of his very name felt like a dirty remark, and yet left the sting of a familiar unrelenting pain deep within Caroline's heart. 

And to dream of their first– well escapade of that type too? She had tried to scrubbed such memories from her mind over the past six years spent in his absence. Now, all that growth and perseverance felt for naught now, and Caroline couldn't deny the shame that overwhelmed her as silent tears marched down her face. Allowing the sadness to engage her whole body she clenched her knees watching the moon lower in the sky, secretly praying Anthony Bridgerton might be staring up at the same moon from his windowsill in heartfelt longing as well. She laughed at the very thought of it. How preposterous. She breathed in the refreshing night air of the countryside allowing it to dry her tears and calm her nerves. 

The super full moon marked the ending of spring and warning of summer's proximity. It also meant Caroline's birthday would be coming soon and instead of excitement she felt dread. She would be turning twenty-three at the end of this summer and was still unmarried, a fact her poor mother never ceased to remind her of. 

Her mother had always prayed Caroline would marry Anthony, hoping that their childish adventures and mischief would pay off financially for the whole family. However, that no longer appeared an option for Caroline. Anthony had not returned to his family's country house in six years, or if he had, he had made sure Caroline was ignorant of his arrival. And for what reason Caroline never understood. The last time they had corresponded he had intended to spend the entire summer with her. Four days before he was to arrive she received his regrets that would not be able to return this summer. He never returned to the countryside after that. Nor did he return any of her letters.

However, the loss of his presence had been a far harsher reality to accept than finding a new suitor. How deeply she yearned to hear his laugh even just once more. To see his remarkable smile he was often so generous with. To twirl the thick locks of his shaggy brown hair and to feel his touch. God how she missed his touch, it set her skin aflame even with the most innocent of brushes. In a way, no person had been able to replicate since last Anthony's farewell. 

"How lucky, you are my dear," her mother used to say to her, "you've found a rich man who loves you without even trying!" Now Caroline would have to settle for the most financially advantageous match she could find, instead of the fairy tale she had planned so intricately with Anthony every summer together by the creek. She hated how materialistic the whole thing made her appear, but as the only daughter of her family, her _only_ duty was to marry as best as she could. Her brothers' attempts at improving their family's station through war and trade had only proved menial in comparison to what direct nobility through a marriage could serve, and as she aged she knew the opportunity of courting another Duke or Lord would only become rarer. 

Caroline wiped away her tears in vain, "Don't be stupid, Caroline." She muttered to herself. "He relinquished his passion long ago, and eventually you did too. To contemplate over such sentimental memories will only bring heartache, not healing." She soliloquized to her companion the moon allowing its beams to be her spotlight, the windowsill her stage. 

Perhaps it was not very ladylike but Caroline could not process her feelings well without speaking through them, even to herself. This left her with a quick tongue but a weak filter for fake niceties, unfortunately. 

Caroline refused to indulge her sadness further. Closing her window and bringing herself back to the comfort of her bed. Praying the forbidden memories she had repressed from her mind so carefully would not haunt her dreams any further tonight. However, nothing was ever so simple for Caroline. 


	3. part II: intoxicating pain

__

_Songs:  
ivy- Taylor Swift  
Golden Days- Whitney  
Icarus- The Crane Wives_ _  
_

*****

The wind eroded the branches of the flowering trees, echoing the comforting percussion of their branches throughout the woodland. To which the birds responded kindly in sweet melody. Caroline was surefooted along the back trails she'd traveled since childhood. Basket in hand, she walked idly through her favorite shortcut towards the only town. To complete the errands her mother requested so fervently. 

_"Can it not wait until later, Mother? I did not sleep well last night."_ Caroline remembered pleading to her mother earlier that morning.

_"No, it cannot," her mother replied hastily ripping open the thick curtains allowing the sunlight to stream through her dim bedroom their unwelcome arrival stinging into Caroline's weary eyes. She grumbled throwing the blanket back over her face. "I want you to dress nicely today. That means absolutely under no circumstances will you wear pants! You will wear and nice and clean dress" her mother whined. 'Clean' emphasized with her overused tone of frustration._

_"They were only for riding! You make it seem like I strolled up to the Governor's Ball in them," s_ _he scoffed._

_"A lady would learn to ride side-saddle even in a ballgown!" the squat woman snapped back, looking ridiculous being dressed far too early and far too elaborately for a working Vintner's wife. A sour expression on her face to match due to her daughter's disobedience._

_"Understood mother." Caroline rolled her eyes nestling back into her sheets in defiance._

_"Wake up now Caroline! I've already made your breakfast. Eat it before it gets cold." Her mother turned to leave on her way out calling on her way out 'I love yous' that Caroline couldn't quite hear._

_Ahh yes, her mother's age-old passive-aggressive trick to get her out of bed with the threat of a cold breakfast. Unfortunately, it had always worked._

Caroline now felt silly wearing such a frilly white dress accented only with a blue bow, just to make her way to the market and back home. But that did not stop her from taking generous time strolling the short trail to town, eager to waste the time of her mother in revenge for disrupting her sleep. 

The golden morning sun kissed her cheeks creating a sense of pure warmth and happiness within her. Allowing her eyes to linger on the blooming cherry trees that were experiencing their last weeks of life before summer. And how they had chosen to make the most of it! Speckling the air, ground, and trees in pink flowers, almost like pastel snow. 

But it was difficult to maintain the fleeting feeling. As it wasn't long before she reached the clearing. The very same from her restless dreams– or nightmares mere hours before. She begged herself to walk forward straight on to the market. But the alluring persuasion of heartbreak controlled her instead.

That all too familiar horrible yet intoxicating pain. It wrapped her whole body in regrets and maybes churning like a whirlpool within her chest drilling that familiar cavern in her heart that never stopped until she felt hollow within every inch of herself. The yearning that gnaws at one from within. Yearning that demanded to be obeyed regardless of how old the scars it opened. 

Caroline's heartbeat pounded in agony, hand to her chest as if she'd been shot with a tainted cupid's arrow. She indulged her sorrow, knowing surrendering to her intense emotions was far more rewarding than rejecting them. She closed her eyes letting herself steal one last fantasy among the privacy of the trees. Before finally allowing herself to leave him behind forever.

Her body still remembered his touch, his presence even after all this time. The soft spring wind brushing against her skin mimicked his cool fingertips against her burning hot skin. The sun streamed through the tree canopy in small fractals acting as the warm velvet kisses Anthony would liberally freckle across her face. 

She hugged her arms around herself in meditative comfort– or perhaps she just longed to be held by Anthony Bridgerton one last time so deeply that she would settle for childish make-believe. The music of the woodlands faded and for just a second Caroline swore she could hear that familiar raspy voice whisper her name. It nearly frightened her with such abrupt comfort and she looked to her shoulder to confirm to her wandering mind that she was in fact alone. 

She was no longer alone however, in the distance a man on horseback approached her. 

"Miss Kensington! I thought I saw you there! What are you doing out here unchaperoned? The woods are very dangerous for such delicate flower as yourself," Sebastian flashed her his usual flirtatious smile, dismounting his horse. 

Caroline blushed thankful for such a rugged but charming man to distract and somehow dissipate her moment of self-destructive heartbreak that felt as if it could last forever. 

"Bash, stop I told you to call me Caroline, you are far too familiar in _other ways_ to be so formal when just saying my name."

"Why miss Caroline...I–" Sebastian blushed utterly speechless at the suggestive language, from a girl he often could only see as innocent. "I hope I have never overstepped my boundaries as a gentleman," he bowed lightly imitating the lords he had worked for over his lifetime. 

"Well, I will say you did reveal yourself to me at the river. It was most improper, even for such 'simple _untitled_ folk as ourselves'" Caroline matched his mocking of the pompous nobility with a shallow curtsy. Nobility were known to loudly complain how there was no feasible life other than their gilded cages. However, since her small brushes with nobles, Caroline only saw happiness in her 'simple' life out in the country, rich with beauty, freedom, and love. And had feared any other kind of life.

"Well then perhaps you will remember then that it was your idea to go skinny dipping, in-fact you insisted! And furthermore, we were only ten back then! I assure you that nothing has remained the same since then." His green eyes flickered along her body with a wicked delight that ignited soft sparks within Caroline. "Are you going into town? I will give you a ride. Such a–"

"Yes, I know such a delicate flower!" She interrupted his musings to tease again. "I alone am completely defenseless to anyone or anything, continue on please!" 

"Actually I was going to say," He took her hand gently in his large palm trailing his rough fingers along the lines of her open-palm. "Such a beautiful woman like yourself, allowing me to accompany her wherever she made need? Why, what an honor that would be." He turned her hand within his, after stunning her with such words. And as if he a had perfectly rehearsed it, brought her bare-knuckle ever so slowly to his lips for a light but sensitive kiss. 

Caroline was flushed and bewildered. It was as if everyone, including herself, was under a strange love spell. Harmless flirting had always accompanied Sebastian, but this was far from innocent banter. If she didn't know any better she would believe he was courting her. They had been friends for long and yet so far nothing more than flirtation had occurred between them. Caroline made sure of that after having her heart broken by another childhood friend. 

However, Sebastian had proved himself a truly reformed rake over the years. A former servant to many Lord and Lady's country houses. He had now established himself as a talented apprentice to a blacksmith. Unfortunately, the small town hardly needed such talent, and his craftsmanship for fine weaponry was underused by the sleepy township. Often his day consisted of horseshoeing and crafting factory equipment, that very well one day could make his job obsolete. Nevertheless, his talent and perseverance proved the best traits for success and Caroline admired and truly believe in his dreams of becoming a weapon-smith for the king or at least a high-ranking official. 

"All right Sebastian," She looked into his familiar and comforting olive eyes with a small smirk. "But only because you ask so nicely." And with a large grin, Sebastian helped Caroline on his horse, in a most gentlemanly manner. Her mother's voice nagged in her head and compelled her to sit in treacherous side-saddle, forcing her to throw her arms around his torso to Sebastian's delight. The pair headed to the township market, leaving a cloud of dust and cherry blossom petals behind them. 

*****

It was much later in the day than Caroline had intended when she arrived home. Golden hour painting the entire countryside in bright thick blankets of sun just before nightfall. 

Sebastian helped her off his horse. Caroline's mother already storming through the front door. "I told you to be home hours ago, Caroline! Where on earth have you been?" She frowned when she saw Sebastian. "I see."

"My sincerest apologies, Madame Kensington. It is my fault, I took a short cut that took far longer than intended," Caroline held back a laugh as Sebastian offered his condolences. Pleading the temperamental woman would approve of his presence today. It wasn't that she disliked Sebastian in fact, she loved him like a fourth son. But today was already going _so far_ behind schedule and she knew the mischief the two could often create. And today she had no patience for his charms. She grabbed the full basket from Caroline's arms. 

"Sebastian, I will see you tomorrow. Now please go! I must speak to Caroline now." Caroline looked at her mother perplexed. She was acting very strange as if she had a strange scheme cooking beneath the elaborate sleeves of her dress. "Oh, Caroline!" The frazzled woman brushed her dress down. "I told you to wear a _clean_ dress! Why must you rattle me so?" She sighed heavily. "I suppose will have to do at this point." 

Caroline looked down at her dress now slightly dusty from the ride on horseback, however, it seemed no more dirty than the thin and soft blanket of dust that covers nearly anything and everything in the countryside. But her mother's strange behavior was filling her with the dread of what awaited beyond her front door. 

Caroline entered her childhood home, where she had lived her entire life. However, the composure of everything felt different. Two people, a man, and a woman, Caroline had never seen before were seated on the couch taking tea. Mother must've worked extremely hard to make such a spread. However, the lavishly dressed couple silently drank their tea ignoring the specialties her mother had prided over plating. 

"You're late." The male stranger said bitterly. 

"I apologize, my lord! I was running errands from my mother in town, it is a rather long walk home!" Caroline sold her lie with a humble curtsy, however, the man was not buying it. 

"Lord Heathman here was just telling us how fantastic the gardens of Grosvenor square are this time of year!" Patrick, Caroline's eldest brother chimed in concealed mockery that only she and her siblings could detect. 

"Don't you remember our dear mother's Aunt's daughter, Lady Heathman?" Caroline's middle brother André was now taking a turn at making Caroline chuckle, flashing a devilish grin, that almost made her break her polite stoicism. 

"I apologize. I must have forgotten since your last visit." Caroline sat opposite the couple next to her father, who in an odd display of neglect, refused to meet her gaze. "When was that again?" 

"My... well it's been well over twenty-five years," the woman spoke finally for the first time. 

"Well huh," Caroline chuckled covertly to herself. _Very distant cousins indeed_ she thought.

"Caroline," her mother chimed in breaking the building suspense. Caroline was still puzzled why these people were here. "My dear cousin has done such a blessing onto us!"

"Oh wow!" Caroline reacted cautiously unsure of what 'such a blessing' might entail.

Her youngest brother, William, the baby of the family at 15, looked somberly at the ground unable to meet her eyes, and immediately Caroline's stomach flipped. 

"Caroline my love." Her mother knelt at her feet. Caroline's heart was pounding. Realizing what was happening. Impossible! Caroline had not grown up with the formalities of a lady's upbringing for this very reason. So why on earth was her mother doing this to her. Anxious tears filled her eyes as a hard lump formed in the back of her throat with each suspended word. 

"My dear cousin has offered to take you in for the season and present you to the queen. So that you may find your perfect suitor in Grosvenor square!" 

The expectant tears were now falling. Caroline sprung up from the couch, reproaching from her mother's touch. "Why would you choose to embarrass me so mother? Do you have any idea what they will say about me in a place like that? I do not paint, nor play any instrument, I am not trained to be a poised and cordial lady. I do not speak French or any other language for that matter. I don't even really know how to dance at least like they do at those Grand Balls! When would I have ever had time for that? While I was here, forfeiting bettering my life by helping you maintain this house?" Caroline has snapped cruelly. Tears ran unrelentingly down her face. She no longer cared what the strange couple, who stared puzzled at her breakdown, thought of her. 

"Then what is your plan, Caroline? You are far too old to be so picky with such matters? Do you really wish to remain an old maid, living with your parents for your entire life? Or will you marry that brute Sebastian instead? Spend the rest of your life as we did struggling to feed your hungry children?" Caroline was silenced by the painful words to both her and her dear friend. She had never known that her parents had struggled to feed their children. In fact, Caroline had never gone hungry, she knew her mother must have worked tirelessly to hide such poverty from her eyes. And though she felt shameful of any entitlement she expressed in that moment, she knew going to Grosvenor square would bring not only humiliation to her but the whole family. And she could not let that happen, whatever she did.

"Any of those options would be better than becoming the property of some horrible man I barely know! Why are you letting her do this to me?" Caroline turned to her father who had attempted to stay stoic throughout the conversation. But his tears sat forming in his eyes as well. Unable to face Caroline, knowing the sending her to Grosvenor square was the best option not only for her but the family. And also knowing sending her away so far to be married meant he would likely never see her again. Perhaps even on her wedding day. 

He had heard that girls of the country who did marry lords spent little time visiting home. And even then families often couldn't afford to travel, even for wedding ceremonials. Financial and political support and general companionship were maintained merely by letters. Though he did doubt his precious daughter would ignore her family in such a way, he could not guarantee the actions of her husband who he likely wouldn't meet before the union. Such a fate he had never wished on his daughter. However, Caroline needed protection and support and this was the only thing he knew to do. 

"Papa! please don't make me go!" His tears fell with her pleas but his position remained unchanged.

"You will leave for Grosvenor square tomorrow with Lord and Lady Heathman. I do not want to hear you protest any longer. You will listen to me. You will listen to your mother. And you will listen to Lord and Lady Heathman and be a most gracious lady and guest regardless of your feelings. You have understood your duty to this family from the beginning, just as your brothers have. Just as I have, and your mother as well. It is time you accept it, Caroline, instead of continuing to stall the inevitable."

"Tomorrow? I don't even get a day to pack?" Caroline screamed at her father across the room in frustration. "It is inevitable that I will marry a man I do not love? Why am I not allowed the privilege you were?" Caroline asked sobbing, knowing now her father would offer no protection she often trusted him to provide.

Caroline's father stormed out leaving the sitting room tense and silent, all but the unyielding sobs of Caroline. Caroline's mother tried to comfort her, but Caroline refused her touch running to her bedroom slamming the door, to cry into her pillows.

"Well! Uh– I think that went okay all thing considered..." Caroline's mother tried to save face, hoping the Lord and Lady would not change their minds after seeing the temper Caroline could unleash. "I do apologize, I suppose more warning would've been the best option, but I knew she would weasel her soft-hearted father out of going if we did so. This seems like my only option!" Her mother defended her poor decision to the couple, who were only interested in leaving for the Inn at this point, and rushed out the door with only minimal niceties. 

Patrick the eldest brother, older than Caroline, comforted his mother in a soothing embrace. "It will be okay mum. She'll calm down you know how worked up she can get. I bet you by tomorrow morning she'll be ecstatic to finally be seeing the _ton_. Any other woman in her position would be grateful, she will understand, eventually." 

"I hope you're right!" She blubbered in her son's arm. "She just works me up so, it's like she's trying to drive me crazy."

Caroline sat alone in her room crying into her pillow feeling the exact same way about her mother. 

"How can she do this to me?" Caroline wailed within the comfort of her bedroom. "Send me away to live with strangers? So I can marry some stranger? Just in the hope that I can give _her_ better life?" Caroline shook her head crying out in abandonment from the family she once believed she could trust. 

And then her face went white, that familiar hollowness dug in her chest, but it was quickly filled with panic as she realized she would _have_ to see Anthony Bridgerton again. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No lambs in this chapter but this dress from Marie Antoinette is gorgeous!


	4. part III: when the night is over

_Songs:  
When the Night is Over- Lord Huron  
You're Not the One- Sky Ferreira  
20 something- SZA  
_ _Why Didn't You Stop Me- Mistiki  
Overwhelmed- Chloe X Halle _

*****

Anthony's legs searched for footholds along the surface of the mattress as if the sheets that wrapped his sleeping body burned his skin. He fought kicking against the restrictive linens searching for an unattainable relief. 

With an exasperated groan, he flipped over, rotating his hips against the soft but firm mattress. Bucking his hips with slight subconsciousness against the surface, a sleeping Anthony whimpered lightly against his pillow at the desired pressure. 

Anthony had experienced a near-nightly ritual of frustration since his last encounter with Siena nearly six months ago. Impulsively hedonistic, he was unaccustomed to his recent celibacy which had begun to drive him mad. 

However, it was all in pursuit to finally fulfill the larger responsibility he held to his family. To somehow reform his rakish ways and become a worthy husband for a suitable wife, to create a suitable heir. Unfortunately for Anthony, duty, responsibility, and self-control held little dominance over his dreams. In fact, they preferred to toy with him, allowing Queen Mab to visit and overpower his body whenever she so pleased. 

His body craved satisfaction, and though asleep the aches his desire created pooled in his thighs as they became tense with each fluttering sensation. He ground his body deeper into the pliant bed begging for any relief that might find him. 

His dreams had only become more intense over time. Starting as just fleeting sensations: the imagery of unidentifiable naked women, short musings of their anatomy, or fleeting fantasies. 

But, tonight Anthony's mind had truly decided to punish his drought. As for the first time memories, he swore he forgot, memories that wished to remain unvisited violated his vulnerable state of sleep. Memories that in content were far too innocent to elicit such a reaction from an experienced man. 

He remembered her face, though in his dreams he only saw shy glimpses. They were teenagers again. Still innocent of any scars their complicated relationship had created, not even aware of each other's interest or bodies. 

_"Anthony, wait!" Caroline yelped after him as they sprinted along the familiar wooded creek that ran behind Caroline's father's property._

_"What is it?" he called back._

_"I have a pebble in my slipper. I'm afraid I cannot keep up!"_

_Caroline sat on a small boulder rather ungracefully. Picking her foot up sloppily exposing the calf of her stocking, making Anthony's eyes widen and body tighten. An awkward but intense feeling overcame him. However, the lessons of propriety his father had instilled within him rang in his ears._

_"Ahem! Miss, I will fix it for you," Anthony said. Intending that such an act may protect her from continuing to accidentally expose herself to him._

_Caroline looked up at him with a rather puzzled expression at his new formalities with her but shrugged absentmindedly unwilling to look a gift horse in the mouth._

_Anthony found her adorable, and at that moment intoxicatingly attractive. Though she was completely unaware, even at fifteen of the effect she might have on men. Especially the effect she had on him._

_Anthony composed himself taking a deep breath, before slowly falling to his knees._

_As he knelt before her, he averted his gaze from her face as a flush of awkward and unknown feelings grew within him. And he wondered if this would still classify as improper, as he lifted her foot gently from the woodland floor and held it in his hands gently. He utilized his willpower and forced his fingers not to linger upon the soft linen as he lightly lifted her dress exposing her shoe. Allowing it to modestly rest along her ankle. He did–however, notice her ankles and the white stockings that peaked beneath her dress. Intrusive thoughts compelled him to reach beneath her dress and expose where they began. But instead, he controlled himself as he knew he must. And with a small but anxious gulp, he began unlacing her leather slipper._

_He gently unlaced her shoe slipping it off patiently, accidentally building the tension. With a rare tenderness, Anthony held the small stockinged foot in his large hand, taking great care to protect it from the forest floor. His fingers lingered at the curve of her foot as it rested between his thumb and palm. Filled with wanton desire to explore every other curve of her body with his fingers, but thankful he was allowed any._

_With his other hand, he shook the pebble from her shoe. Taking great care to appear casual and competent, despite feeling nothing of the sorts. However, Caroline did not notice, unaware of any extraordinariness the encounter held to Anthony. Practically unaware of Anthony._

_He slipped her shoe on delicately, and by mistake or by a cruel twist of fate his thumb brushed against the ball of her ankle, causing a stilted shutter to overtake Anthony's body as he attempted to curb the unique sensation._

_She looked down at him again with a confused face. But this time the energy of her eyes had shifted from puzzlement to something he, as a mere boy himself, could not assess._

_He quickly laced her shoe up. Not allowing the improper accident to go further or be addressed. And with both regret and relief released her leather-bound foot to the ground once again._

Such a short but intimate interaction had perplexed him as a teen, creating a strange sensation that haunted him with every minute containing her from that day on. Unable to look at Caroline as just his childhood friend again. For he had been fully confronted with her blossoming womanhood. A fact he had tried to ignore from that day on, repressing his feelings of desire until–

Anthony awoke, startled by his own thoughts. His right arm in knee jerk reaction reaching to the pillow beside him, as if to check on someone. He removed it quickly, resenting the futile impulse. 

Anthony lay in frustration staring up at his ceiling. Unsure why such memories of his adolescence chose to torment him tonight. Entranced not by the decorative ceiling of complex moldings and gold leaf accents that glinted in the moonlight. But by the uncontrollable, yet hazy etchings in his mind of what Caroline looked like on the last day he ever saw her. 

Anthony ignored his involuntary arousal for the first time after such a dream. Instead, leaping from his bed, wrapping his deep emerald robe of velvet around his taut naked body. Then marched to the bookshelf across the room where on the top shelf there sat a large collection of anthologies. Anthony knew which one of the books to choose, the one he always chose. And flipped to the page he had memorized within the poetry book. There it lay, stealthily nestled between the sonnets, a large but elusive dossier that he handled like a delicate treasure. 

He opened the contents allowing himself to pick his favorite amongst the dozens upon dozens of letters it contained. All from Caroline. 

Anthony felt that familiar but overwhelming sensation of both regret and longing. He exited the elaborate french doors of his bedroom onto the lavish marble balcony that overlooked the ton, to read in the light of the large full moon. 

However, the very first one he had picked at random shattered any pleasurable feelings within him. Shrouded in moonlight, the chill of the spring night felt colder than before, the stars felt less bright, and the inviting moon became menacing as Anthony sat on the lonely stone bench reliving his biggest mistakes written out in the familiar scrawl. Familiar scrawl, he had adored, marked by her unique cursive that came from words flowing far faster than a quill could keep up.

_July 14th, 1809_

_My Dear Lord Bridgerton,_

_I would like to begin this––a task I have long procrastinated_ _in my own selfish defense of hope;_ _by Introducing myself, my name is Miss Caroline Kensington. I complete this redundant formality despite our long-established acquaintanceship as I fear you have forgotten who I am. Perhaps you will be reminded of such a relationship I once perceived as friendship, or even my only love, by this letter, that I pray compels your chest, the same way mine once did when I read your letters._

_For the past two years, I have stupidly allowed myself to await patiently for your response to my numerous letters. I have wasted far too much of my precious time and money just in an attempt to confirm that you are still alive. My biggest fear became my reality as I wondered if my dearest friend was killed and no one thought I pertinent enough to mourn you. But no, you are not dead. However, I know this only from scribblings of gossip columns and whispers of ton gossip. All of which describe a man I cannot say I recognize._

_Is it that it is such a burden on my financials to write this many letters to you in your 'castle' that you have decided in a sick and twisted act of mercy to discourage them without any notification? Or is it because of my status– as I had always known, that I was never good enough to be your Lady? A fact you spent ample time denying. Wickedly tricking me into believing I could one day be your wife–– the only thing I ever wanted from you._

_Did you realize the deceit was far too childish for the adults we have become? I would have understood, you know I would have Anthony! Instead of informing me of such maturity, you have continued your ruse. Allowing me to pine after the idea that you may return my letters, explaining all the ways in which you desperately love and miss me. Instead, I pine after the idea of you. The memories I had that haunt me of a man who I regarded in the highest esteem. A man I valued over all others. A man who clearly never existed. And all I am left with is realizations that I am indeed a naive child, a child who trusted the first man to whisper the evil words of "I love you" in her ear. The child I was warned never to be, even by your own mother. Left with the resounding realization that you, in fact,were the very person your mother had warned me to stay away from. _

_I write this letter not for the response, as I know nothing will come of it. Instead, I write this letter to release me from you. To verbalize to myself and you, that we will never marry. We will never have the children we renamed over a hundred times in 'our' future that we designed together. I say 'our' as I have no doubt you will still achieve those dreams. However, I will not be the one you share them with. From this day forward all I can do is wish you happiness, Anthony. If not for you, then for myself. I have expired all hope awaiting your return to me, and I will no longer allow myself to carry on in such a manner. I just pray that I may still find a decent husband, despite the years I have wasted devoted to you. Turning down proposals from men far richer than you in morals and compassion, because of your torment._

_Torment. As you promised me in your last letter two years ago that though you could not make it to stay the summer, you would return as soon as possible. And that then we would be married, just the way we always talked about. Did you forget such a proposal? A proposal I accepted?_

_After over a year of thinking my fiancé might be dead, imprisoned, or just cruel. I finally got word only by gossip that you are touring through Europe 'experiencing god and nature's greatest wonders'. I very well understand now those wonders included every girl and every brothel that would host you. And even after you have degraded me so, I have remained hopeful that my pleas may reach your icy heart. That you would return to my arms and tell me this was all a bad dream, an extended drunken binge, or a lapse in sanity. Whatever you had said, no matter the excuse I would have accepted you back. I have loved you too much for far too long. And for that reason I now know I need to eradicate any ties I ever had to you, both physical and cosmic._

_I beg of you Anthony Bridgerton if you ever loved me please do me this one kindness and promise you will never speak to me again. I pray you find true happiness, as I once found in you._

_Never to be yours again_  
Sincerely,  
Caroline Kensington 

Some paragraphs back tears had formed in Anthony's eyes and he did not deny himself the right to cry this time as he so often did. In the privacy of his bachelor quarters' balcony, Anthony began to quietly sob unable to contain his emotions as he poured over the harshly written but honest letter. He could not deny a single thing she had said about him. And was well aware the previous letters she had written, that he did not respond to, had been far kinder and compassionate. Tears dripped onto the letter matching both the original tears left by the author and the layers of older ones that had come from Anthony's repeated self-pity readings.

Anthony, a grown man, was now clutching his legs in self-comfort staring up at the moon in longing. Feeling like that little boy again, unsure and unable to understand what the best thing to do was, but being filled with an overwhelming anxiety to be perfect. An overwhelming pressure that had only increased since the death of his father. He had never responded to that letter. Just like she had asked him because he did truly love her. A lot. And now in the hindsight of moonlight four years later Anthony still had no idea if he had done the right thing. 

'The right thing was to have responded to the first letter she sent six years ago,' Anthony thought to himself, wiping his tears from his eyes. He was feeling incredibly guilty and heartbroken at that moment reliving the awful things he'd done and tried to repress over and over again. Remembering all the phases of "fine" that he went through before he could truly accept that he would never see Caroline again. Phases that included the brothels, rakish behavior, and scandals. Phases including becoming a person his family did not like but always loved. Phases of becoming the person he now hated. 

But now he was trying to separate himself from the parts of himself he hated and attempting to connect himself back to the parts of himself he used to love. However, progress was never linear, especially such a caper as self-growth. Nevertheless, if becoming the man he wanted to be meant having to relive such painful memories then so be it. It would be a small price to pay for his past sins. And if Caroline was the angel visiting his dreams to remind him of his path, then all he could do is be thankful that he could see her face one last time, even if it was only in dreams.

Anthony stared out over the _ton_ , his unruly tears finally subsiding in his clarity. This time instead of focusing on the moonlight bouncing off the sparkling spires and windows, Anthony could only wonder what Caroline looked like now after all these years. Attempting to craft her face in the moonlight, though her eyes he'd always remember and he pictured them as sparkling sapphires among the stars. 

And though Anthony would always carry the pain that he would never see Caroline again, staring up at the full moon in this moment knowing it was the very same moon looking down on Caroline as she slept made him feel almost at peace with his reality. Almost.

******

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a/n: Awwww they were both staring at the moon at the same time 🥺🥺🥺 a very sensitive Anthony is in his feelings tonight 💗 and now so am I 🥺


	5. part IV: goodbye, goodbye

__

_Songs:  
L.E.S Artistes- Santigold  
Sure- Hatchie_ _  
What Ever Happened- The Strokes_ _  
_

*****

The carriage had been set and goodbyes were now underway. However, Caroline could not bring herself to begin the daunting task of saying farewell to everyone she loved. 

"Where's Sebastian?" her voice cracked perhaps because of the cold morning air or perhaps because she wanted to cry so badly and couldn't. "You said he would bid me farewell!" She turned to Patrick who had ridden across the township last night to inform a very distraught Sebastian of Caroline's departure. 

"He said he would be here." Patrick put his arm around his sister pulling her into a hug. "He'll be here." 

But he never did show up. Caroline went down the line of her household saying tearfully saying goodbye to her whole family and feeling guilty because all she could think was 'why had Sebastian not shown up to at least see her off?'. 

She had even pictured him coming to her window in the night, tossing pebbles, begging her to come down, and spend their last night they'd ever have together. To do so would have made her mother furious, but all Caroline had wanted last night was to see Sebastian and pretend like tomorrow was just another day, another day they could spend together. 

Mrs. Kensington hugged her daughter tightly. Crying tears of joy as she saw the dreams she had projected for so long onto Caroline finally come to fruition. "I know you do not understand right now, but this _will_ be the best thing for you. I know that you will find happiness there, I am sure of it!" she whispered to Caroline as she hugged her, then placing a kiss on her forehead. 

Saying goodbye to her father was awkward. They had barely spoken since last night's outburst and all she wanted to do was run into his familiar arms, but knowing this may be the last time somehow stopped her in her tracks. Her father understood this though, pulling her into a tight and comforting hug and planting a kiss on the crown of her head. "I love you, Carrie. I promise you will be happy, I will be sure of it. Whatever I can do. Please write." The familiar words of reassurance and pet names stumbled out shakily.

"I love you too." Caroline whimpered as she was lead into the sparkling white and gold carriage by Lord and Lady Heathman, both dressed quite elaborately. She looked back at her family with a sorrowful wave still hurt by Sebastian's absence. 

Lord and Lady Heathman sat awkwardly on the velvet benches of the carriage as if they were not used to each other presence even after their 30 years of marriage. It did not comfort Caroline's anxieties on the idea of a "suitable match". And she fidgeted with the trim of her new blue dress the couple had insisted she wear on the journey. It was tighter and itchy compared to her usual simple linen dresses, and all the unique fabrics blending at once overwhelmed her skin. 

She looked out the window of the carriage looking back at the only home she had ever known and wondered if she would ever return. If she would ever see her family, her friends, or even Sebastian ever again. 

Caroline watched the early morning sun quiver amongst the birch trees praying she would walk these forests again. Praying she may find a husband merciful enough to allow her to see her family. To let her bring her children to where she spent her wonderful and adventurous childhood. But she had to distract herself from such thoughts as the very thought of children only encouraged her terror that she may end up having to marry a dastardly and disgusting man her father's age, and then– 'Ugh!' she shuttered at the idea. She didn't even want to think about her former dream of having children anymore. 

They were nearly at the township border when over the horizon Caroline saw something. Maybe 100 meters away, a man on horseback was galloping attempting to keep up with the carriage, but effectively failing. Caroline pressed her face up to the glass on the carriage in disbelief and as he got closer Caroline's hopes were answered as she was able to at least see Sebastian one last time. 

"We must stop!" Caroline cried out at the couple, who shocked at the broken silence. "It's Bash, he's come to say goodbye! I knew he would come!" 

"We cannot stop, we _must_ keep going! Do you even understand what kind of bandits lurk in these woods? Especially bandits that will target an expensive carriage such as this," Lord Heathman grunted annoyed at the audacity of a request.

"Yes! Bandits!" Lady Heathman echoed like an awkward parrot.

"Bandits? There are no bandits out here! I have lived here my whole life, I played here as a child! What are you talking about?"

"I will not be questioned by you, girl. You are lucky you are even being taken in by our generosity. I would improve your attitude and obedience if you want to remain with us. And especially if you ever want to find a husband." The Lord scoffed and Caroline wished she could find something clever to say but instead she just felt very small and very silly. Being treated so lowly by a man so much older than her made her feel like a little girl being scolded and instead of her usual quick remarks all she could muster was a mumbled, "yes, my Lord." It seemed like a cruel reminder of how far from home she really was going. She took a shred of solace in pressing her face against the glass, watching the consistent dust cloud follow behind the carriage as Sebastian tried to keep up. 

However, his horse could not maintain pace forever, she and Sebastian both knew that. He was close enough to look in her eyes, perhaps 25 meters. And all he and Caroline could do is look out at each other terrified that they would never see each other again, seemingly able to read each other's thoughts of regret. And with one last wave goodbye, Sebastian disappeared from view. 

******

"Ow!" Caroline awoke from her dozing. It must have been a few hours since they had left the inn the next morning. Since yesterday her waking and sleeping mind could not free herself from the image of Sebastian's desperate and defeated face as they rode away, leaving him behind and leaving her in anguish. 

But now she was being kicked awake but a very impatient Lady Heathman. "We have arrived, Miss Kensington," Lady Heathman smiled at Caroline. Caroline tried to hide the scowl that instantly formed over her face. 

Caroline was already miserable and her new life had only just begun. However, her misery froze in time, just for a moment as she became astonished at the fantastical nature of everything she saw in Grosvenor square. She saw glimpses of colorful gardens that extended on and on along the promenade. Magical sparkling fountains lined the gardens creating an enchanting romanticism to the _ton_. The buildings were taller than anything she had ever see. Large fortresses enclosed the square, making Caroline only assume they must be government or industry, as no home could ever be so large and only house, one family. 

They arrived at one of these gigantic brick and marble fortresses, though compared to some of the other castles it could have been described a 'simple', despite having an elaborate exterior complete with deep red double doors containing handcrafted gold lion door-knocks with large marble columns greeting arriving guests. Caroline's wonder faded as she remembered the cost of such wonderment. The entire luxuriousness of the atmosphere was entirely at the expense of people like her family, her best friends, and if she had not been here today– her. This was not a welcoming place for her, no matter how beautiful the facade appeared. The only thing could appreciate was the rolling wild ivy and moss that placated the old bricks in a most unruly way, reminding her of home, knowing no gardener or footman could have to toil away to maintain such a natural yet picturesque phenomenon.

*****

Anthony had thought a ride along the waterfront would clear his mind after such an emotionally intense and restless night. However, as he stared out over the motionless crystal blue lake he could only be reminded of the eyes of the angel that had haunted his dreams. The water was gorgeous: inviting, sparkling, and seemingly unchanging but incredibly dynamic, just like she was. 'She is.' He thought. 'I just no longer have the privilege of such a breathtaking presence.' 

He trotted his mare, Lucia along the road watching the scenery passively change as thoughts did the same. Flipping idly through the same three obsessions: One. that Caroline was the one that slipped through his fingers. Two. that he would never see her again, and he only had himself to blame for that. Three. this afternoon, the young ladies eligible for this season would be presenting themselves to the Queen. And he would need to be present, both to escort his sister Eloise and to 'appraise' the eligible brides for his own impending engagement. 

The whole idea did give Anthony a creeping sensation on the back of his neck. Feeling both uncomfortable in having to tackle the impossible task of finding an acceptable suitor for a young woman like Eloise, but also feeling uncomfortable at the unnatural courtship ritual arranged marriages created. The implication every marriage insisted regardless of love or choice once a match had been created. His mother rambles on about "passion", yet Anthony found nothing passionate about pursuing any woman who was less than enthusiastic. If he wanted someone to fake love, he could venture to a brothel at least there his partner would be gaining an advantage even if it was just money in exchange for a short period of passion. The thought of returning home each night to bed with a woman who resented him or worst feared him did not thrill him, in fact, it terrified him.

However, he could hardly say he wasn't terrified of falling in love again. Allowing himself finally fall in love again after so much time only then to disrespect Siena so greatly, it had only reminded him of why he had ceased from such intimate and painful affairs in the first place. His undisciplined passion and in turn impulse had been Anthony's biggest downfall in nearly all his relationships, and now he had learned from far too much experience that it no place in a marriage. But friendship– friendship, mutual respect, and compassion those could create a beautiful marriage. And maybe with time, the love could grow, though Anthony had already grown sadly comfortable with the idea of a loveless marriage.

Lucia was about to cross when a white and gold carriage sped through the street, distracting Anthony as he watched it roll into town curiously.

"You are blocking the path, you know?" A familiar voice also on horseback approached Anthony and he turned from his daze to see his brother Benedict riding to greeting him. "What are you doing out? Shouldn't you be preparing for this afternoon?" 

"I should say the say to you, dear brother, and yet here we are, both avoiding mother's rehearsed speech on which ladies to watch this season and why. I am certain you can understand why I had to clear my head with a ride." 

"I _was_ building my legacy, _dear brother_. I had to approve the frames for the next showcase at Somerset House." Benedict teased a bit annoyed, retaliating his brother's own quick defensiveness. 

Anthony tried to retort, his temper in tenfold responding, only bringing cruel words to mind that he willfully disregarded in his continued effort to maintain his improve disposition and relationships. Instead, all that came was goofy pursing of his lips, a dumbfounded widening of eyes followed by a shrug and shake of his head. Hardly clever, but charming enough to break the tension between the good-natured but competitive brothers. "I suppose then you will accompany me back to the family home. Ensure that I do in fact make it this time, I know my record is not admirable," Anthony turned the expense of the joke to himself. 

"Ahh yes, well if anyone could meet a lass and lay her in the next few hours to somehow wrestle his way out of attending the ceremony, it would be you Anthony," Benedict laughed. 

"The old Anthony, Benedict. I am a changed man, remember?" He chuckled.

"Half a year was all it took then?"Anthony frowned at the words Benedict threw so casually about, unaware of how they might affect Anthony.

"Perhaps it was," Anthony stated flatly not letting his brother's words cut him a deeply as they could have. He reared his mare and began racing Benedict without warning back to the Bridgerton family home. Thoughts racing to match.

He knew his brother was only angry, and rightfully so, for all ordeals the entire family, including their poor mother, went through over the last year alone. Not to mention the years that conditioned Anthony to become the man who put his family in such a position. Mostly due to the coping mechanism of shrugging responsibility for drink, brawls, and pleasure. The irresponsible and nearly unforgivable match of Daphne to Lord Berbroke had become an astounding wake up call for the family that something was indeed wrong with Anthony. The impulse to duel and risk his life so carelessly had terrified every member of the Bridgerton family as the loss of the patriarch still rang through each member's soul and the mere thought of losing another Viscount, and her child no less had gutted Violet Bridgerton. And from then on his behavior had been monitored closely by his family keeping their unconditional trust somewhat guarded until he could prove himself again. 

Anthony empathized, although he felt the past six months had shown enough noticeable change within himself to rebuild those relationships and genuinely did not understand what more he could do to regain their trust. Other than successfully find an appropriate suitor for both Eloise and himself. He desperately wished to rebuild that family dynamic they once had that did not just revolve around his dramatics. The preemptive doubt his brother instilled even if it was just jokes, made him feel insecure about the emotional growth he had worked diligently to maintain. As if he was already expected by all to fail again this season. 

"Ah! And you are late, just as you were last year, Anthony why must you trifle with me so?" His mother scolded him the second he walked through the door. 

"I am two hours early, my darling Mother! And I am not the only one! See!! Benedict is also late," Anthony pointed to his brother defiantly with a slight pout that screamed immaturity to Violet and enraged her further. 

"Two hours ago would have been two hours early, now you are just late, Anthony. Benedict is not the one presenting his dear sister to the Queen now, is he? Now please, bathe! You smell like a stable." She said maintaining a tightly composed tone that Anthony recognized as volatile. 

"Understood, Mother." Anthony shuffled upstairs to bathe.

However, it was not just Anthony's tardiness that had provoked such a reaction from her. It was the scribbling of Lady Whistledown that was truly the source of her nerves as she worked to hide the meddling words of such 'journalism' from her precocious daughter, unsure if they might encourage or discourage her efforts today and unwilling to risk either at this point. Unfortunately, for Violet that was not going too well.

"Where is are today's society papers?!" Eloise bolted down the main steps, the sight of her aggravating Violet's poor nerves further, as she was hardly ready. Her hair was wet as if even though she had been here for hours, she had only now decided to get ready. She had no make-up and was not even wearing proper undergarments, merely in a chemise and no corset. Dawdling as if there was no ceremony at all today. 

"Why on earth are you not dressed? And your hair?!" Violet nagged Eloise picking at her very damp hair that had begun to drip onto the steps.

"I wanted to read the latest Lady Whistledown!" 

"And for that reason, you wasted the last two hours you were supposed to be preparing?"

"Please, Mother! It will not take me so long! I have been to assemblies with the Queen before, I am not concerned."

"Eloise, my dear child," Violet said taking her hand in reassurance for herself, rather than Eloise. "This day is unlike any other, you will be presented to Queen and therefore all of society, this will determine your eligibility for everything you attempt forward." 

"Mother, I know you are concerned, as I have never been agreeable to the idea of marriage, but I promised for you, that I would try at least. Will you please accept that as enough?" 

"I truly just worry for your future, my love! There is no reason a beautiful and brilliant girl like yourself should be alone!" 

"That is the very thing you cannot seem to fathom is that I may _want_ to be alone!" Eloise dropped her mother's hand losing patience. "Now, please! Where are the Lady Whistledown Society Pages?"

"It seems we did not receive them today," Violet said meekly lying to her daughter looking anywhere but her eyes.

"Well fine, then I will just go ask a lady's maid!" Eloise threw her hands up in aggravation running back up the stairs, with Violet trailing after her anxiously with mumbling discouraging such investigation.

*****

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a/n: Double update today because my first draft was LONG will be posting part 5 later today! Poor Eloise :(
> 
> Part V is presentation time so what do you think will happen with Caroline and Anthony? sounds pretty awkward...


	6. part V: please, you promised

__

_Songs:  
Tilted- Christine and Queens  
Hit me Where it Hurts- Caroline Polachek  
_ _Nunca Me Acuerdo de Olvidarte-Shakira (Happy Birthday literal love of my life!)_ _  
Forgive Me- Chloe X Halle  
_ _Lo Vas A Olvidar (with ROSALÍA)- Billie Eilish_

*****

_"The most anticipated social event of the year is upon us, dear reader. However, perhaps the reason the Queen's opening ceremony for the High Society season is so widely attended, despite the monotony, is the compulsory attendance required by all who dare to exist within the delicate ecosystem of Lords and Ladies we have created for ourselves. We have created a bed of yawn-inducing ass-kissing and must endure yet another season of it._

_However, do not mistake my deprecation as disdain as even exhaustive and uneventful ceremonies such as these still provide ample gossip and allow betting Ladies such as, myself to cast a vote to which lovely lady will be crowned this season's diamond, and thus the young lady sought after by the most eligible suitors._

_This season we have the pleasure of being reintroduced to Eloise Bridgerton. The once self-proclaimed spinster has now hung up her books and quips for the marriage market. However, anyone with half a brain can understand that this is purely a ploy to please her poor mother. Our bets have been placed that Miss Bridgerton will carry on a great charade of rejection this season, perhaps giving the bachelors' who so often toy with hopeful girls' hearts a run for their money. We are most excited to see what dramatics Miss Bridgerton will employ this season as it appears such drama is as strong a Bridgerton family gene as the famous dark brown hair and eyes._

_Speaking of the extended Bridgerton family tree, it appears the Duke and Duchess of Hastings have returned from Clyvedon, not only to encourage a good match for Eloise but to bring a most special blessing into this world among the comforts of close family. As it seems the Duke and Duchess of Hasting as finally begun the fateful task of creating a family legacy._

_In the most unfortunate news dear reader, even I appear to be at loss for words to describe the newest member of our high society traveling from the countryside for the season. As we know none! We have heard gossip, but no confirmations even of this young lady's name nor face. We apologize dearly, as we too thought we had the juiciest and latest gossip. All we know of the young lady is she is indeed **not** a lady. It appears this young miss is untitled, not just in the way many women are before marriage. But **extremely** untitled, for from the whispers we collect, it appears no one within her immediate family is in possession of a title. Even a meager ceremonial one. Clearly, this young lady has some **most** generous cousins to carry such a burden. Extremely 'generous'. All we can hope is that generosity will be enough to make up for any 'rustic' behavior her upbringing in the countryside has brought."_

_...........  
_ _LADY WHISTLEDOWN'S SOCIETY PAPERS,  
_

_26 April 1814_

Caroline interrupted the lady's maid that was halfway through reading the paper, "What is this absolute bullcrap?! She said herself she has absolutely no idea who I am, who _is_ she even?!"

Lady Heathman who sat on the ridiculous embellished satin sofa stared up at Caroline with a freak expression on her face. She had never in her life heard a lady speak in such a way. She only sharply cleared her throat, however, maintaining her love of silence.

"My apologies Lady Heathman," Caroline said meekly, perhaps understanding what Lady Whistledown was saying. Why was she here? Being waited on and dressed by lady's maids to meet in attendance with the queen. It made no sense why someone with no proper training in such matters would present to high society at the late age of 22. And just as she had warned her mother, she feared her presence alone in this fantastical _ton_ would mean the humiliating downfall of their family. "Will not behave in such manner in front of the Queen. My temper can– well get the best of me"

"Yes, you seem to have quite the vice. However, I would be far more careful around others than just the Queen, she is surprisingly far more forgiving than many others in this town. It would suit you well to remember where you came from, but mainly distance yourself from that person as far as you possibly can." Caroline's face was in shock both at the blunt words spilling from her lips with such genuine calm and concern but also because her lady's maid had decided to tighten her corset just at that convenient moment.

"You will have the honor of being escorted by my son, Baron of Heatherhawk, and the next Lord Heathman." Caroline was grateful Lady Heathman had paced about while speaking as Caroline could not help but roll her eyes 

"He will be here momentarily. I suggest you finish getting dressed and compose your– manners." She left leaving the venomous chill she gave off within the room.

Caroline was unsure who she was talking to since Caroline was clearly not in control of dressing herself, and though she had used a corset and worn dresses and such before there seemed to be an extraordinarily large fanfare over dressing in the _ton._ Corsets for some reason being tied tighter than she had ever seen, gown embellished with far too many jewels or embroidery to be discarded at the end of the season.

Momentarily meant hours in _"ton_ time" and Caroline was prodded and poked until deemed suitable by the particular Lady Heathman. Her blonde hair had never been pined so high. Curled into ringlet upon ringlet until it stacked like a tower, with one thick ringlet trailing down her neck. The whole process giving her a headache.

They had dressed her in a frilly pastel pink dress covered in bows and accented with lace and ruffles, complete with matching tiny pink gloves with more trim. Caroline was still getting used to the elaborate fashions; and as she stared at herself in the mirror unable to recognize herself under all the hours of preparation, she started to understand what Lady Heathman had said.

"I will now introduce you to my son, the Baron," Lady Heathman led Caroline down the main stairway and to an extravagant drawing-room.

"The right honorable, Baron of Heatherhawk,"

Caroline couldn't contain her laughter when the doors opened. At the pure shock of her expectations not being met. She attempted to cover it with a cough but Lady Heathman noticed and shot her dirty look.

Standing in the drawing-room was just a boy. He couldn't have more than fifteen. He was dressed like a baron but he looked like he should be enjoying his childhood, not escorting a woman nearly 10 years his senior to a Queen's presentation.

"Miss Kensington, it is an honor," the boy bowed politely giving her gloved hand a kiss. Caroline was still trying to compose herself after such a surprising experience. Until she realized how much she would stand out with such a young escort. Most ladies were escorted by the eldest brother or patriarch of a family, this was sure to draw even more attention than Lady Whistledown's scribblings already would. 

*****

Every single thing Caroline experienced in the moment was incredibly overwhelming. Every sensation was in full overdrive, though she could hardly hear a thing over the sound of her pounding heartbeat.

Girls fluttered into line behind large double doors, and all Caroline could do is follow the flow of traffic and pray she wouldn't lose her head for having a strand of hair out of place or accidentally coughing while promenading for the Queen. Just being in this situation was a surreal near out of body experience as she had never intended to ever be in such a situation.

Eloise felt similarly, despite having been prepared for such a moment her entire life by her Mother. And as her family exited the carriage and walking together towards the steps of her next chapter in life she couldn't help but wonder how much of herself she was willing to destroy to see her mother happy. Would this initially half-hazard attempt to please her mother escalate an ultimate sacrifice of marriage?

"I know this is nerve-racking for you sister, believe me, I honestly did not expect either of us to ever be in this situation. But I do promise I will stay by you and support you however you need. I intend to take this very seriously." Anthony extended his arm.

She took it and terrified, but together, they walked arm and into the crowded Castle foyer. "Nor I. And yet here we both are, walking into the inferno! Mother really should be more celebrated for her perseverance, perhaps I would admire it if the target were not my downfall."

Caroline's young cousin seemed just as anxious to be presented to the Queen as she did. He was practically shaking and Caroline felt bad that she was the only reason he was here, and she reached her arm out offering it to him so that he might feel less alone standing in the looming castle. The two looked like an awkward pair, but Baron Heatherhawk, or rather Terrance, was genuine and unpretentious as he pointed out the different scenes and saints that placated the ceilings and walls in paintings like none Caroline had ever seen before. 

Caroline had been so stunned by the wealth, beauty, and fanfare that she nearly forgot the very reason she had feared coming to Grosvernor square in the first place. But now only a few families before her, among the ball gowns and bustling ladies Caroline caught a single glimpse of his face, nestled along the wall among his family members. 

Caroline's heart flipped and then dropped to the floor. Her vision blurred and the deafening sounds of hundreds of conversations bouncing off the marble faded to a low silent hum. All she wanted to do was hide before he could catch her staring at him, but her body remained still, frozen in flashback of the last times they had seen each other. To the desperate and pleading letters that now mortified her. And though painful she somehow was unable to look away as she studied the changes of his face over the past six years. 

She might have not recognized him if his family had not been with him confirming his existence. He was similar but so different, almost like a whisper of her former best friend. But it was in fact him and a mixture of panic and heartbreak overcame her. He had grown even taller than he was before, his body had grown from slender but strong in adolescence to a much more imposing frame of a man with large broad shoulders that begged Caroline to wrap her arms around them in relief. He had finally grown in his sideburns clearly advertising a conclusion of youth that had afflicted him with peach fuzz over the fashionable facial hair. 

His eyes though had changed the most. The kindness that glowed from them once bathing entire rooms in congeniality, had disappeared. Replaced with a far colder gaze that did not acknowledge the others of his surroundings other than the sister he was arm and arm with. The way carried himself was the most jarring to Caroline. His posture was structured and each movement acted through as if rehearsed. He did not smile, instead held his head high in the air, practically above others, or 'at least how he perceived himself,' thought Caroline. 

Caroline felt hours pass in the thirty seconds of staring she allowed herself. However, reality came back to her mind, and in a delayed involuntary reaction she dropped to the ground.

"What on earth are you doing, Miss Kensington?" Terrence asked.

"I– I dropped a glove..." she lied, taking the opportunity while out of view to shuffle towards the wall where she felt the safest hiding against. 

"Watch where your walking, _dear,"_ dear was spit out with poison by the girl, as Caroline accidentally bumped into her. 

"I'm sorry! I– Owww– stop stop stop!" Caroline called as the second the girl tried to walk away and she felt a sharp pain radiated through her scalp. "Your gown, the jewel, It's stuck on my hair!" 

Anthony was focused while waiting for Eloise's turn. He wanted this to be the moment his redemption became clear and he would not let anything stand in the way of that. Especially not the pretty girls that attempted to garner his attention as he waited quietly with Eloise, both far too anxious to talk. 

Commotion had been roaring through the halls, but now sounds of fighting were beginning and Anthony couldn't help but turn his head to laugh at the squabbles over suitors that had already begun. 

And he watched the girl, a girl he could not recognize, struggle to free herself from the altercation. She appeared caught in the elaborate dress of another girl, an event he has seen take place at such balls far too many times. He chuckled at the sight but was not so amused that he could not allow his eyes to take in her figure, which enticed the traits of himself he had attempted to suppress. 

She broke free from the grasp of the sniffling adversary, head turned, adjusting her dress. 

The color of her hair, light gold like the comforting rays of the sun in the first hours of daylight, brought back flashes of the wheatfields he used to walk in his childhood during summers spent in the countryside. Happiness flushed to the forefront of his mind as he thought of the girl with golden blonde hair he walked those wheatfields with. However, hedonism again overtook his mind and he couldn't take his eyes off the bold way she adjusted the bodice of her dress, naive that people were now watching and whispering. 

But it wasn't the impropriety he was entranced by, however as something deep within him, call it passion but to him, it felt even deeper a desire fueled by more than just a physical pull. His heart pounded in his chest as a tense cosmic attraction told him he had to wait until she turned to face him. 

And as peered over extravagant heads towered with curls searching for an angle so that he might answer the call that pounded in his ears, over and over. She finished composing herself and then as if nothing had happened began scanning the room to see if anyone had dare notice such a scene.

That's when finally, after six years of questions and longing their eyes met. Caroline instantly cowered from within regretting every single action she had ever taken up to this moment. Especially the glutinous eye contact. Her brain screamed at her to look away and never again look back, but her heart fixed her eyes in place, as the only thing that she could think of was how long it had been seen she'd looked upon his face. Irrationally terrified that she may never have the privilege to see him again. Even though she wanted nothing more than to turn around and never see him again. All she could hope is that he would not be able to recognize her under all the ridiculous layers of makeup, curls, and fabrics the same way she barely could herself.

Anthony was stunned, although he did not recognize her. The pull within was growing stronger, however and with every breath and heartbeat ringing in his chest hypnotized by her presence. He had no idea how much time had passed, all that he knew was there was something about her. And that something within him felt like devils were toying with his mind all over again. 

His mind raced to a million conjectures as time passed around them both making tense but alluring eye contact through the crowd of nobles. The most logical screaming no it would be impossible for her to be at the castle, it's not her just a very close doppelganger. The most romantic yelling at him to run to her side. The most superstitious believing he was being punished by hallucinations both sleeping and waking. Because there could be no possible this girl, that looked so much like how he had pictured Caroline at this age, was actually Caroline in Grosvenor Square. And despite all these spinning conjectures and explanations for why this woman before him was not Caroline, the only thing pounding in his ear was his heartbeat and his bewildered mind yelling, 'This _is_ Carrie! Go to her _now_!' even though he still couldn't be sure if it was her.

Nevertheless, he followed the most romantic instinct of himself, forgetting all the promises he had that morning or over the past few months. Every lesson he had learned not to fall to the impulse of love no longer mattered, all that mattered was that he may be able to hold her, or even an imitation of her one more time. He had dropped Eloise's arm and began attempting to push past the crowds heading in her direction. 

But he was quickly stopped, practically plucked by the collar of his jacket. It shocked him, pulling both of them from the trance they had constructed. And it was only then that they both had realized the fanfare had begun and horns were blowing. Announcements well underway and Anthony had been pulled back by a now covertly furious Violet. 

"What on earth are you doing, Anthony?! It is nearly your sister's turn! I will not let you ruin another season for this family, not this early on!" Violet whispered to him pushing him back to Eloise, leaving the already flustered Anthony completely dumbfounded. 

"Miss Eloise Bridgerton, presented by her brother, the right honorable Viscount Bridgerton" the announcement was made, and though neither of them was ready Anthony walked with Eloise down the intimidating aisle facing a disinterested and dissatisfied queen. 

Eloise's presentation went quite well, though Anthony did process any of it. His mind was focused on remembering the brief but intense connection he had just experienced. And while he waited with the rest of the Bridgerton family on the sidelines near the Queen watching the rest of the young ladies be presented, he felt overwhelmed and unable to concentrate on anything but his memories of Caroline. Scanning them for logic or reason for why the woman he had seen was not her. 

Unable to concentrate, until the fateful announcement finally confirmed everything he had prayed for, yet filled him with unmitigated terror as the announcement finally rang out:

"Miss Caroline Kensington, presented by her cousin, the right honorable Baron of Heatherhawk!" 

A large flush of gossip overcame not only the crowd, but the entire Bridgerton family as every single one of them reacted in shock at a name they all had not heard in years. Many of the siblings muttering amongst themselves asking questions of coincidence or fate, some choosing to check to Anthony's reaction. And Violet watching it all, standing quite poised but extremely satisfied. 

Caroline looked at her cousin with a terrified expression and then to the Queen finally looking upon her truly magnificent ensemble and entourage. She swallowed the fear and attempted to hide it with a gracious smile as she made the endless march to the Queen's feet. Her eyes fixed aggressively on the Queen refusing them to even glance at Anthony, who had begun staring at her mouth agape, eyebrows furrowed in pain and disbelief. Pain because all he wanted to do was run to her kiss her. To hold her in his arms and never let her go. Every ounce of him screamed to run to her, and as if she predicted it once again Violet Bridgerton covertly grabbed the coat tail of Anthony's jacket shooting him a dirty look discouraging his impulses, if not for his sake than for Caroline's as ruining her presentation in such a way would be unforgivable. 

Each step, she took towards the Queen drew her closer to where Anthony was standing. The urge to look at him burned her whole body afire, but she would not risk her presentation or her pride by giving him the satisfaction. She reached the end of the aisle and as she passed him a shudder went through both of their bodies, just at the mere manipulation of air by the brief closeness of their bodies. Anthony seethed attempting to curb the thousands of fleeting feelings within himself. 

Even with him only a few meters from her Caroline was able to compose her willpower. She bowed as graceful as she thought possible hoping it was enough to please the Queen. She appeared rather intrigued but neutral about Caroline as she looked her up and down. 

"So you are young maiden who as somehow managed to obscure her identity from even Lady Whistledown, a most impressive feat, I must say," she nodded somewhat approvingly. "However I hope you will not find it rash when I give you this advice, watch your back." It was a flat but earnest warning. "These people would want nothing more than to eat you alive, try not to let them. I for one love the drama of a Cinderella story!" The Queen finally beamed at Caroline but did not get up from her throne. The interaction was courteous and kind but distant and patronizing to Caroline, particularly referencing her status. She was nobody's season diamond. Not that she had ever expected to be. 

Caroline thanked the Queen graciously turning to the aisle where she and her cousin would wait throughout the rest of the ceremony.

But much to her dismay, her cousin led her in the opposite direction. Bringing her unwittingly closer to Anthony Bridgerton. She refused to look at his bewildered face, though she could sense the sadness and longing he transfixed on her as she walked towards their waiting place. She passed the Bridgerton family and could swear she saw the younger brothers holding together their giggling as if it was a sick joke.

Anthony was ecstatic and terrified at the same time. He had no idea what to do, what to say, how to act. There was no clarity in his thoughts. In only a few minutes his mind went through thousands of ways to approach her. He had never even expected to see her again and no she stood on his right side with only her escort between them, an escort who in no way blocked his view of Caroline. 

They stood there for what felt like hours. Caroline facing forwards with a determined stoicism, unwilling to even acknowledge his demanding existence. Anthony however was the opposite. He stood awkwardly staring directly at her, making his existence even more insistent. He stared unwaveringly as if there was no one between them as if there was no one else in the room. He studied every aspect of her face finally able to see how beautiful she had become since he last saw her. Her face had lost any roundness and her heart-shaped face was more prominent along with her cheekbones. Most of her features remained familiar just more mature and womanly than he had remembered. And then her body– had changed obviously, it guiltily entranced him. She was still slim but had far more noticeable curves than before. He noticed his eyes lingering upon the bosom of her dress with heavy-lids begging to know if they looked so much bigger due to her new corset or the six years they spent apart. Uncaring of the actual answer merely interested in memorizing her body all over again.

"Carrie I–" he uttered in a whisper still staring.

Her head snapped to him with venomous glare, a glare he had seen time and time again, that glare screamed: "don't you fucking dare Anthony Bridgerton". 

Caroline's cousin was very confused and stared above him at tense interaction. 

She turned her head back to face the presentations ignoring Anthony once again, hoping her cousin would believe nothing was amiss. 

Anthony's breath seethed again, unsure what to do, feeling incredibly annoyed, awkward, and aware of his body, as every muscle within him tightened with restraint. Restraint to not just grab and kiss her like she always used to let him, whenever he wanted. 

"Carrie, please..." He tried to begin again only to receive another glare, though less obvious and more fearful. 

"You need to stop this. I am not going to do this again with you. You promised," she tried to mutter to him as quietly as possible so no one would hear. 

The warning was dripping with disdain as if they were strangers, and the kinder, better Anthony would have taken heed to the warning. He would just shut his mouth and pretend that the largest existential prank in the universe was not currently toying with them both. But instead, it rooted at the deepest part of Anthony's soul twisting the knife with each word and distanced glared. His temper built in that moment purely in anguish that someone he had loved with every inch of his being was no longer interested in acknowledging his existence. The lump in the back of his throat warned him of tears to form in his eyes. His heart sitting in his stomach bleeding wounds from six years ago he thought had healed. His body reacted without his permission in anger, purely to prevent the forming tears from falling in weakness. 

"Carrie you will listen to me!" Anthony was looking directly at her staring her up and down as if pretending he could intimidate her. His emotional maturity had immediately reverted back to his youth, as if nothing had changed in the six years they spent apart. 

Caroline saw through this, knowing it was his tactic whenever he did not get his way. "Lord Bridgerton, please let us finish the presentations in peace! I do not appreciate the interruption and furthermore, I do not appreciate your inappropriate staring," she said much louder matching his intimidating tone, now allowing the now eavesdropping strangers to clearly hear. To which they oblige beginning to gossip despite the final presentation and crowning of the season's diamond occurring.

Anthony immediately felt humiliated. He looked like a pig, he was a pig. Staring gawkishly at her and now nearly intimidating her when she wouldn't speak to him. His face reddened in reaction, sinking back into the safety of his family who had begun to notice his antics. Particularly Violet who was not pleased.

Caroline, however, was pleased with herself hoping this would finally get him to realize how serious her final letter was. That she did never want to speak to him again and that once she was married and gone from Grosvenor square she would _never_ want to see him again. 

The presentation ceremony was finally over and Caroline led her cousin with encouraged haste out of the throne room as quickly as possible trying to avoid any more of Anthony's attempts.

She had managed to successfully usher the two of them out without a fuss. Caroline's carriage was ready and as she climbed in Anthony entered the courtyard in a sprint pushing past other noble in the crowded castle. 

"CARRIE WAIT!" He yelled after her praying she would stop. 

She appeased him, but perhaps for his heart's sake, it would have been better had she not.

"You are never to call me that again!" she said intimidating him right back, towering over him as she stood on the top step of the carriage. "That name is for my friends and family. You are neither. You will also never speak to me again, Anthony Bridgerton!" she spat the word out with a fire he recognized, but as she said his name her voice softened and her eyes turned from their piercing glare to the kind blue inviting ones he'd always get lost in.

Her whole demeanor changed as she stood looking down at him for the first time since childhood. The very sounds of his name on her lips was enough to already make her forgive everything stupid he had done today. But it was not enough to forgive the past six years of neglect. And with a sad smile that looked more like a reassuring frown, Caroline allowed herself to say it one last time both for his comfort and hers, "Anthony, please, you promised." The words were filled with sadness and tears filled Anthony's eyes as he could hear the desperation in her voice begging him to leave her alone forever. 

And with one last glance down at him, she closed the carriage doors and left Anthony crying but concealing his tears as he quickly began to realize everyone in the _ton_ , including his family, had been watching the entire event. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a/n: ughh I am so sorry came so much later than anticipated, I felt so bad but I had to rewrite a lot of it because meet/cutes are hard even when ppl already know each other lol!!!! Thank you so much for all the kind comments and votes so far! I love hearing everyone's thoughts and reactions!
> 
> I might so down on posting every day for a bit while I focus on school because midterms are next week, but I plan on having at least three more chapters posted by the end of week. Probably comparable in length to the last two.


	7. part VI: ask her to dance

__

_Songs:  
Summer Sun- Hooverphonic  
The Divine Chord- The Avalanches, MGMT, Johnny Marr  
Entropy- Grimes & Bleachers_

*****

The carriage ride home was drenched in silence as the Bridgerton family traveled back to the manor. Eloise, Benedict, Colin, and Anthony all traveled together in an unusually tense manner all looking nonchalantly out the windows in no direction at all. Except for Anthony who was staring at the palms of his hands replaying the scene over and over again in his mind wondering if he should have followed his instinct to grab her hand, not letting her leave him, as he had once left her. 

A long overdue snort broke the tension, as Eloise could no longer contain her laughter. A crescendo of giggles by the Bridgerton siblings followed. All but Anthony who was still entranced by the lines of his hands.

"What the good heavens is going on?" Eloise said between confused fits of laughter. "When was the last time any of us even thought of Caroline Kensington?"

Her name resonated within Anthony bouncing off the walls of his rib cage. 

"I'm sure some more recently than others..." Colin mumbled under his breath. Anthony's head shot up at him and scolded Benedict scolded Colin with a jesting elbow to the ribs. 

"What?" cried Colin grabbing his side. "Well? Are you ever going to explain the ordeal we just witnessed?"

Anthony did nothing but avert his eyes and lean back into the cab bench, looking at the passing landscape. Feeling dejected, humiliated, and most of all entirely out of control of everything. 

"Oh Anthony! Whatever are you going to do at Lady Danbury's Ball tonight? It will be a most exciting ordeal now, I suppose!" 

Anthony didn't answer keeping his position of looking out the window with a scowl. 

"Well," Benedict paused. "You could simply ask her to dance!"

"Oh yes, Anthony! You must ask her to dance!" Colin said smiling. 

It was enough. Despite his public outburst of heartbreak, he did not wish for his inner turmoil to become a family affair. Rage bubbled within him as he watched his siblings so casually discuss the most excruciatingly painful and mortifying moment of his life as if it was last weekend's gossip. 

"Stop the carriage!" Anthony yelled out, hoping it was enough. "STOP, the carriage!" He was impatient and the footmen relinquished. His siblings were shocked as Anthony exited the carriage in a huff. "I will walk back to my bachelor quarters and prepare for Lady Danbury's Ball there _alone_. I will be back to escort you at 6 o'clock, sister. Good day."

*****

"Why are you not preparing for the ball?" Lady Heathman strolled into Caroline's guest-chamber unannounced. 

Caroline felt she had just entered her chambers. She was still dressed in her gown from the presentation and had laid back on her bed, finally taking in the beautiful room that overwhelmed her and the racing thoughts within her mind. 

Caroline perked up, hands on the mattress, "there's a _ball_ too?" she asked voice swelling with aggravation. 

"Yes, you will be escorted by the Baron again, I am afraid neither the Lord nor I can attend we have– business."

Caroline just shook her head not bothering to care about their complexities of Grosvenor square life any longer. Instead leaning back on the bed to look up at the meditative pastel moldings lining the ceiling. She traced her eyes along the intricate white detailing as if searching for the end of a maze and it helped clear her mind of Anthony and his egregiousness. 

"Miss Kensington, are you listening to me?" 

"Can I not wear this to the ball, Lady Heathman?" Caroline said shook from her clarity but unmoving from her passivity. 

"Oh! You are absolutely ridiculous!" she laughed at Caroline grabbing her arm and pulling her from the bed as Lady's maids entered to begin the next laborious process of grooming and dressing. 

*****

"Will you be asking Miss Kensington to dance tonight, Anthony?" Hyacinth greeted him with no hello practically as he walked through the threshold of the Bridgerton home. 

"Good evening, Hyacinth. It is a pleasure to see you too." Anthony replied flatly quite sick of his family's well-meaning torment. "Where is Mother?" 

"She and Eloise are finishing getting ready! Oh! and Daphne and the Duke have arrived! They are in the drawing-room. Her belly is already so big!"

Anthony entered the drawing-room, to see his sister and his best friend comfortably lounging together. Daphne embroidering Simon reading, legs ever so sightly entangled. Perhaps Hyacinth had overstated Daphne's size, but her small frame showed the first beginnings of a baby bump, despite the babydoll cut of her dress.

"Oh, my dear sister! It has been too long! " Anthony scooped her up into a hug before she could even get up from the couch. "And Hastings! Good to see you again old friend! I must give both of you my sincere congratulations! Although part of does hope you will visit more now that the honeymoon is over and children so near."

"Well perhaps you will understand very soon," Daphne said slyly. "Sounds like you have yourself quite the array of eligible young ladies." Simon and Daphne both looked at each other reveling in the not so secret inside joke of Caroline's arrival. 

"Seems that is all this family can talk about," Anthony rolled his eyes allowing the motion to propel him back into the opposite sitting chair. 

"Well from what I hear, you made sure of that," Simon said as they continued their giggling only infuriating Anthony more. 

"Are either of you even going to the ball tonight? Or are you only here to take part in my public humiliation?" 

"Oh do not be so dramatic, Bridgerton!" Simon groaned. 

"It is his nature," Daphne said in a taunting tone. "But no I will remain at home with Simon, I fear I will do little dancing in my condition." Simon beamed down at his wife, putting his hand on top of hers, resting upon her growing belly. 

"Haven't you heard drama is a dominant Bridgerton gene? That means you too, dear sister."

"Now Anthony, when did you start reading Lady Whistledown?" Daphne smirked. 

It had been since he had seen Caroline that afternoon, scanning it hungrily for any shred of information it may bring him. But the gossip paper served no purpose and he had crumpled up it and thrown it from the balcony of his quarters with a most ridiculous anger only a few hours earlier. 

"I don't," Anthony said with a casual panache. 

"Hmm," Daphne mocked suspiciously.

"Ahh yes, Eloise at last you are ready!" Anthony sprang from the sofa breaking the awkwardness he had created grateful from their timely entrance. "Ah Mother, hello again." he greeted her with affection.

"I appreciate you being on time, Anthony, despite the change in your plans to stay here tonight. You look most handsome indeed!" Violet adjusted his collar with pride. 

*****

"Do you see her?" 

"See who?"

Anthony looked at his sister annoyed. He and Eloise had promenaded around the Danbury Ballroom for fifteen minutes and still hadn't seen a glimpse of Caroline. 

"Oh yes!" she laughed enjoying the taunt. "No, I haven't but you have asked me only seven times, perhaps by the time you ask seven more she will have arrived."

"She's already missed the first dance..." Anthony grumbled not really in a conversation with Eloise as much as processing out loud.

"Why? Was your plan to ask her?" Anthony glared at his sister's quick remark.

Terrence and Caroline had been sitting in the carriage for twenty minutes however and getting rather antsy. "Miss Kensington, I know it is none of my business but is the reason you are so inclined to stay in the carriage all night have anything to do with Lord Bridgerton and today's presentation?" 

Caroline sighed, "I suppose you noticed, didn't you?"

"I suppose I did," Terrence laughed.

"I must apologize for putting you in such a position. I had no idea he would behave so crassly."

"And you are afraid of another scene."

"Yes."

"Are you worried I will not be able to properly protect you?" Terrence looked disappointed with his cowardliness that afternoon.

"I do not expect anything of you! Other than that you call me Caroline and I call you Terrence so we can actually start being friends instead of uncomfortable acquaintances." 

He looked somewhat hurt by the words of doubt, although Caroline hadn't meant that. She simply felt awkward asking a quite young but gentlemanly boy to chaperone and protect her from a grown man who stomped and whined when he did not get his way. Terrence's position did not seem fair to Caroline and therefore expectations didn't either. "All right then, Miss Caroline," Terrence extended his arm so that they might leave the carriage. "Shall we begin this friendship with the shared goal of avoiding Mr. Bridgerton as much as possible?"

"We shall, Terrence! And just Caroline." She smiled and took his arm and together they walked into Lady Danbury's season-opening ball.

They stayed to the back of the room safely out of sight as Caroline attempted to catch her bearings. The two felt quite comfortable sinking into the background together finally getting to know one another. She learned he was an only child and rather lonely as his parents were hardly around. Coming from a very close big family, the sentiment made Caroline feel compassionate to him. Terrence was helpful to Caroline, in turn showing compassion by explaining to her all the Grosvenor square particulars of courtship as they played out before them throughout the crowded dance hall. 

Anthony on the other hand was agitated. He had danced with Eloise twice and still found no sign of Caroline. He and his family stood huddled together, his mother muttering something about the season's diamond that he didn't hear. His thoughts were placated by indecision and insecurity instead. Lady Danbury was making her rounds greetings guests. She approached Violet and the other Bridgertons with a smile and a bow. Conversation ensued as Lady Danbury and Violet began meddling, matching dance partners for the next number. Eloise was quick to run and grab punch, Benedict to examine a bust on the other side of the room, and Colin gave way but selecting his good friend Penelope for safety. Leaving an oblivious Anthony to the wolves.

"Anthony, why don't you ask Miss Kensington to dance." 

"Oh yes what brilliant idea, Lady Danbury," clapped Violet.

"Yes, that seems to be the consensus this evening. I never thought you of all people would be so hung up on _ton_ gossip, Lady Danbury," Anthony replied trying to keep his composure.

"Gossip?" Lady Danbury was confused not having attended the afternoon festivities in preparation for the ball. "I simply meant Miss Kensington looks awfully alone in the corner with the young Baron." She pointed the girl out. "Perhaps the gentlemanly thing to do would be to ask her to dance. She is new to town, after all, must be terribly overwhelming–"

Anthony didn't hear much past confirmation that Caroline was indeed in the same room, it was enough to set him back on his mission of finding her.

He approached her from behind scared of making himself known. However, it was not successful as Caroline almost instantly felt his presence. Terrence was tense unsure what quite to do besides run.

Anthony stood behind her, realizing in the thirty minutes he had spent searching for her, he had still not thought of a single thing to say especially regarding their last interaction. He trailed his eyes down her body investigating her white dress with blue ribbon and lace decorated with small gems. He had never seen her in something so extravagant before, even at the presentation. However, she did not look out of place to him and Anthony started to finally realize that everything about their relationship this time was going to be very different. 

A thousand thoughts of how to talk to her faded as he began studying the nape of her neck. Seeing that way her curls were pinned exposed the soft part of her skin that begged him to kiss it just one more time. His thoughts faded so entirely that he just stood there breathing anxiously behind her, completely confounded. 

Caroline stood unamused at this game of chicken Anthony had decided to start, and refused to take part or even look at him keeping her gaze forward. She felt the presence of his body even though they were a meter apart. His breath, hot and nervous, would have been unpleasant had it not been so familiarly comforting to Caroline. She took a slow shaky breath in through the nose out through her mouth before uttering coldly, "Mr. Bridgerton."

Anthony was plucked from his enchantment, oddly stunned despite being the one who approached her. He opened his mouth to respond but before he could she walked away wordlessly. Leaving him ultimately flustered, muddled within his emotions, and internally screaming. 

Caroline and Terrence somehow managed to communicate their exit plan silently, rushing to the dance floor finally partaking in the night's festivities. 

Caroline had been nervous for her first dance in Grosvenor square, but to hear anything Anthony had to say would've been far worse for her nerves. Terrence was a great lead despite his age though and whispered steps to her making her smile as they went along. However, it was far too short, and once the dance concluded Caroline could spot in the corner of her eye Anthony, still in place watching her with a frustrated glare. She returned the look with far more animosity causing Anthony to internally cower.

Nevertheless, Anthony would not allow himself to lose another opportunity, and as Caroline walked in the opposite direction to the refreshments, he followed awkwardly crossing the dance floor of couples waiting for the next number forgetting the promise he made to himself not to cause a scene tonight. 

She left the ballroom walking onto the terrace overlooking the garden. The night air cooling her flustered skin. She had lost her escort in the rush and had no intention of going back inside nor staying on the terrace where Anthony could easily find her. She instead chose to wander into the gardens, not only for safety but because they invited her with their extraordinary lushes hedges formed in an almost maze surrounding beautiful rose bushes. 

Anthony tried to follow Caroline out the door but was foiled within minutes by his mother, upset that she had not seen him escorting Eloise or dancing. 

"Where have you been? I thought you were going to dance with Miss Kensington!" Violet asked scanning the room. 

"I– I am trying to do that right now, Mother. Please," He attempted to pass her but she refused. 

"Well you have taken far too long, your sister has been sitting by the refreshment table _all_ night now please, dance with her or arrange someone to. I worry the idleness will hurt her chances of any gentlemen calling tomorrow."

Anthony almost laughed but knew better not to. He peered over at Eloise who was looking quite bored, picking apart her fruit tart for tedious distraction. 

"Mother, I just need to speak to Miss Kensington." But Violet wordlessly insisted, not accepting his response and taking his arm instead, leading him to Eloise. Anthony looked wistfully at the exit hoping Caroline would not leave the ball entirely before he could make his escape and find her again. 

Caroline was flushed with tears of relief when she entered the gardens. Finally, she had privacy for the very first time since arriving, and she greatly valued it but her overwhelmed emotions still could not be contained. The garden was empty and Caroline relaxed onto a bench, lying her entire body across it, bending her knees to fit, and looked up at the stars. Modesty well protected by her long dress but still rather improper for a lady at such an event.

As a child, her father had taught her the constellations, their mythos, and location and feeling so far from home she couldn't help but take comfort that the stars remained nearly unchanged reminding her of better simpler times, even before she met Anthony Bridgerton. The sentimentality swept her up into emotion and tears kept falling as her cries echoed in the silent garden. 

"Miss, are you all right? Are you hurt?" A man's voice asked.

"Huh?" Caroline perked her head up losing balance off the slippery stoned bench. She slipped but caught herself before falling. The man rushed to her side. 

"Why Miss Kensington? It's you! I wondered when we might finally encounter each other!" he bowed

"Oh Colin! Wow, it feels like ages since I've seen you!" Caroline laughed getting up to give a polite crusty in return. "I wish had been reunited under better circumstances, seems I am always humiliating myself in front of you and your family." She wiped the tears from her eyes composing herself. 

"Oh Miss Kensington, it is my brother who humiliates himself. Any fool can see you do not perpetuate his antics, therefore you are unworthy of any such ridicule. I do hope you are quite all right though. Anthony hasn't said anything tonight has he?"

"No, everything is fine." She replied, though Anthony just hadn't had the opportunity to say anything yet. She smiled at him in a fake reassurance so that Colin would not worry nor pry further. 

"Perhaps then, if you are feeling better you would like to dance? I would love to reacquaint ourselves, so much has changed since I last saw you!" Colin smiled at Caroline making her blush as he had never before. 

They were nearly the same age, he a little younger had looked far too much like a boy and she had paid him no mind attraction since the last time he visited his family's country house, especially not when devoted to Anthony. But now under the canopy of stars alone in the garden among rose bushes and romantic fountains of the gardens Caroline had to admit that Colin looked incredibly dashing. And though Caroline didn't want to admit it, even to herself the deepest part of her knew if Anthony saw them dancing together, after the way he had just chased her down, it would drive him crazy. And that part of her desperately wanted to drive him crazy.

"It would be my pleasure Mr. Bridgerton," she smiled at him taking his hand, allowing him to lead her back to the ballroom. 


	8. part VII: ask her to dance pt II

__

_Songs:  
Trick of the Light- The Villagers  
Emerald Star- Lord Huron  
Coming Down- Dum Dum Girls_

*****

"Oh good, your brother has decided to dance with Miss Kensington! What a kind young gentleman he is," Violet beamed at Colin who had been dancing with Caroline. Anthony choked on his champagne as he reacted to Violet's words. That familiar sinking feeling of sadness came over Anthony before quickly being replaced with rage. 

"So many young ladies left idle..." She threw her boys a nasty look. "He is such a gentleman to dance so many numbers. Perhaps you would be wise to follow in _his_ footsteps."

"You're right Mother," he said, but he could hardly hear her passive-aggressive remarks over the slow bubbling of anger within in him. 'Why is she dancing with _Colin_? This must be to vex me!' Anthony thought. To bring Colin into their drama was unacceptable to him. He left his mother's side without a word leaving her puzzled, but pleased her remark had worked. 

Anthony walked the circumference of the dance floor gripping the stem of his glass in a tight fury, almost as if it would break in his hands. He watched Caroline and Colin laughing together as they weaved in out of other couples during the group dance. He hated watching but couldn't look away as her gloved hand touching Colin's, the way she smiled as he twirled her, and then God, he nearly wanted to scream when the back of his palm grazed the side of her hip as they turned arm in arm. 

Caroline was genuinely enjoying herself catching up with her old friend Colin. They had never been especially close but had still grown up together and somehow even though Grosvenor square was his home, something about him reminded her of home, or at least the memories. 

"So, may I speak frankly, Miss Kensington?"

"I suppose you may, old friend, though I pray you, speak quickly such ominous questions do frighten me," Caroline anxiously laughed knowing what he was about to ask her and wondering what she how would respond. 

"Why are you in Grosvenor square?" 

It was less foreboding than questions of Anthony but still, Caroline had no idea what the proper response would be. How should she respond to protect her and her family's honor? Would Colin be disturbed by her mother's grand scheme for Caroline to marry above her station?

"May _I_ speak frankly, Mr. Bridgerton?" she asked with a nervous smile. 

Colin laughed, "Of course you may, there have been far too many years spent together to be so concerned. I am just genuinely curious and in truth a bit concerned, I'm afraid my brother may think it was something to do with him. Would not be good for his indulgent ego," he laughed.

Caroline was a little shocked by the sentiment, so shocked it caused her to stop dancing for a couple of beats, leaving Colin to react with a suspicious eyebrow. She closed her reactive mouth, rolled her shoulder back while looking anywhere but his eyes. "That is not the reason...." she trailed off as her eyes suddenly met a sullen Anthony who stood at the edge of the dance floor, looking incredibly angry. However, Caroline saw his anger fade near-instantly to sorrow as their gaze met. The look gnawed within her heart but self-control forced the impulse to run to him into a low shaky exhale. It was the first time they had really looked at each other since the presentation and for a brief half-second, the entire room faded from Caroline's vision. She forgot she had been dancing with Colin Bridgerton no less. She had forgotten his question and she had even forgotten that the reason she was in Grosvenor square was her mother's force, not to be reunited with Anthony; because for those minuscule moments everything was for him, or at least she wished it to be.

The whole moment couldn't have been more than a few seconds because Colin had grabbed Caroline's hand leading her to the next move before she got swept up by the other dancers. "Uhh– I apologize, I'm sure I am not very convincing. Your brother does pester me so, however, I am _only_ here on my Mother's orders. It was her idea for me to come here and find a husband...I'm sure you–" Caroline had begun unconsciously chewing on the inside of her lower lip, and though she did not notice Colin did, as well as how nervous she was to explain such a thing to him. 

"I understand, Miss Kensington! You needn't explain yourself to me," he smiled at her with genuine reassurance. "I apologize if my question was imposing, perhaps the better thing to have said was how glad I am to see you here." He twirled her one last time as their dance concluded not even giving Caroline to process the sweet remark, because before the first violinist could even take their bow off the strings, Anthony had downed the rest of champagne, most aggressively, now marching in their direction.

Caroline suddenly felt very flustered being approached by him directly, unable to look anywhere but his deep brown eyes that flickered off candlelight and glints of the chandeliers. Her knees buckled in reaction beneath the fabric of her floor-length dress. 

Within seconds of leaving his spot on the edge of the dance floor, Anthony felt like an idiot but already halfway through he knew he must commit to the action. His mind raced through the thousands of ways he could approach her but nothing seemed quite right. Every inch of him wanted to grab her and kiss her although his boiling jealousy made him want to snap her from Colin's arm and ask her why on earth she was dancing with his brother and not him; for him to follow all the awful impulses that had gotten both of them to this point. 

Both Colin and Caroline looked rather terrified to hear what Anthony had to say as he approached. Colin scanning his brother trying to read his mind. Caroline, knowing what he was already thinking, her head stood still in place but her eyes shook with a ferocity that said: 'don't.'

The restraint that it took for him to just go up and smile felt like a punch to the gut. But pride still filled his chest as he had finally collected himself in a way he could be proud of, a way his father would've been proud of. Jealousy superficially calmed, Anthony felt his mother's guidance ringing in his ears causing him to say, "Dear brother," nodding to Colin, and then to Caroline, "Miss Kensington, may I have the honor of the next dance?"

Caroline was stunned at his pure audacity. After attempt after attempt to get him to leave her alone he still would not do her the kindness, to Caroline it felt like a complete lack of disrespect. Disrespect not only for her, her desires, and her feelings; but additionally disrespectful to their relationship. The way he acted like nothing had happened overwhelmed her emotions, making her feel on display and uncomfortable though unaware of any surroundings. His bare hand extended was so gentle and kind though and she desperately wished to grasp it, to feel the touch of his skin again after so long even if it was through the silk of her gloves. 

She turned to Colin breaking Anthony's binding eye contact that compelled her deepest impulses to forgive him. Colin looked concerned unsure what to do, not wanting to over-step with his older brother or Caroline. Panicked flutters hit her chest so hard it forced her to step back, breaking away from Colin's escort.

"I–" tears filled her eyes instead of words falling from her lips, and Caroline stood bewildered realizing she was now the one in danger of causing a scene. "No thank you, Lord Bridgerton, I–" she choked on the tears as an uncomfortable lump formed in the back of her throat. "I have a headache, please excuse me, gentlemen." Caroline left the two brothers bewildered themselves.

"What did you say to her?!" Anthony nearly growled at Colin trying to prevent himself from unjustly yelling at him. 

"Me?! What did you say to her? She was fine until you walked over here," Colin had replied but Anthony had already left the ballroom following after Caroline. 

"Caroline, wait! Please I beg of you!" Anthony ran after her across the long hallway. She was easy to catch with his long legs and her in the many layers of skirt preventing a quick getaway.

"Mr. Bridgerton, you are too familiar, now please let me go!" Caroline kept walking, ripping her gloves from her hands using them as a make-shift handkerchief to wipe her tears, already exhausted with only her first day in Grosvenor square. 

"Fine! Miss Kensington, please–" he gently grabbed her bare wrist. His touch shot spark through Caroline. Tremblings of past memories, reveries of the past life they had spent together that felt so far behind now came flooding back with just one touch. 

Caroline's head shot back to Anthony in reaction, as quickly as his single touch had sent vibrations through her whole body. She looked down at his large hand wrapped around her delicate wrist and then back to Anthony's eyes desperate to talk to her, though he no longer had any words left to say. The sensation of each other's skin touching once so familiar was now foreign but just as captivating leaving them both speechless. 

They watched each other in silence, waiting for the next one to move first, both unsure and insecure. Tension filled the air as they stayed in constant contact studying the only thing still familiar about each other, their eyes, for it was becoming clear to both of them neither of them was the same person from the summers in the countryside.

Her eyes dangled upon his lips for a second both terrified and desperate that he would kiss her, unsure how she would react to either. Anthony saw this and could not help but return the thought. Letting his eyes linger upon her pink defined cupids bow, tracing them with his eyes hoping it would suffice until he could trace them with his fingers, and then eventually, once she let him with his lips. 

His hedonism overtook his whole body once again and without warning to himself, his hand, still holding her wrist lightly, began to instinctually slowly rub his thumb along her forearm making her shudder once again. The sensation was comforting but still overwhelmingly sensual and Caroline instantly felt her body melt to Anthony's touch once again under his spell. 

Anthony's eyes lingered one last time along her lips. This time Caroline was positive he would kiss her. The hunger in his eyes was undeniable as he stared with hooded eyes at her slightly parted lips. His face held close enough that they could feel each other's breath on their skin. Caroline knew he wanted to kiss her and now she _knew_ desperately wanted him to. She couldn't deny the sensation building within her, it ignored every sense of logic and heartbreak and overpowered every part of her self control. 

His eyes remained fixed on her lips for only a few more seconds once he collected himself. He looked back into her eyes one last time, lust had left them replaced entirely with sadness. Caroline's face changed to confusion in turn, as Anthony dropped her wrist from his grasp. 

The loss of his touch left a cool sting of rejection that radiated Caroline's entire body as she watched Anthony Bridgerton wordlessly walk away. Hot confused tears fell once again in reaction to his cruelty. She felt humiliated that he had spent the entire night practically stalking her and was now toying with her, both in passion and emotion just for his entertainment. To ensure that he could still have control over her whenever he wished, just like how she had always allowed him to during their entire relationship as teenagers. 

Anthony walked away from Caroline wordlessly, afraid his body might have broken with his voice if he had spoken. His heart utterly shattered knowing that as long as Anthony couldn't control himself there would be nothing between them. If he were to have kissed her then and there both their reputations would've surely been ruined and her future destroyed forever, no longer would he stand in her way. 

Anthony reassessed his strategy as he painfully walked away from her. He told himself he would no longer allow them to be alone together as he did not feel he could control himself around Caroline. He just prayed his brash actions tonight would not ruin any chance at reconciliation the two had. He prayed that she would understand as she often did so well, that today he was not himself he was entirely reactionary to her surprising presence in Grosvenor square. However, any hopes he had that Caroline might forgive once again faded as he heard her voice echo in the silent hallway: 

"I hate you, Anthony Bridgerton. I truly despise you."

******

"Why were you even dancing with her?" It was long past two o'clock in the morning at the Bridgerton family residence where Anthony had been waiting in the study, to confront Colin after the ball. The boys had started by conversing over whiskey and cigars, which quickly turned to conflict.

"Anthony it was one dance, what is your problem? You're making everyone miserable, including Caroline," Benedict said unamused at how long the brothers had been discussing practically nothing. 

"For the last time, I'm not speaking to you, I'm speaking to Colin! Now, why did you ask her to dance, Colin?" 

"I told you, Anthony, she looked upset! I found her crying in the garden and I felt bad! It's not as if we weren't all friends with the Kensington siblings anyways. I just wanted to catch up with her!"

"Oh, I'm sure you did!" Anthony stomped.

"And what if I did? It's not like you can say more than two words to her without making her cry," Colin had gotten fed up with his brother's baseless accusation after nearly an hour of over rot and drunken deliberations. 

"I knew it! Colin, you are never to speak to her again, do you understand?! I demand it!" Anthony was piss drunk and had been repeating variations of this same phrase over and over for as long as the two men had heatedly argued.

"Oh no.." Benedict cowered in his chair, long ago fed up. 

"You demand it, dear brother? Miss Kensington doesn't even wish to speak to you, she's made that very clear. Who are you to 'demand' I do not speak to her? Furthermore, what's to stop her from speaking to me? I am the only one of our _family_ nay nearly our whole _ton_ who actually dared to show her any kindness tonight. She is alone and scared and you wish to isolate her further? What kind of friend or even lover is that, past or present?"

Anthony was shocked at his brother's defiance of him, forgetting how confident traveling alone had made Colin, no longer in need of approval from his older brothers. 

"And who are you to her? A suitor? I'm positive she came here to see _me,_ Colin. I'm sorry to tell you that," Anthony lied still completely unsure why Caroline was there. 

"You really think that highly of yourself, don't you?"

Anthony was speechless. Benedict awkwardly lighting a cigar was the only sound in the room. 

"Why else would she be here?"

"To get married, you idiot! Why do you think she presented herself to the Queen? So that you'd know she was here? No, she's been forced by her mother to _ton_ to find a husband! A task both you and I know will be difficult for her. I am genuinely concerned for her, she's a beautiful girl, but we both know she has no dowry, marrying above her station would be near impossible especially here. And we both know there are many men in _ton_ who would manipulate her situation, take advantage of her. I've already heard what some of these bastards are saying, so yes, perhaps I was considering marrying her! She was my friend too after all, and I care about her safety." 

"You will do no such thing, I will forbid it!" Anthony yelled fury bubbled within him at the very thought of his brother courting Caroline. 

"I merely say it to look out for her. I have every intention of exploring the match as I will with many young ladies this season, but it will be her decision, Anthony."

"Colin this is unforgivable!" Anthony slammed his fist against the oak desk rattling the whole study. 

"To allow our childhood friend to be left destitute at the end of the season would be _unforgivable,_ Anthony. And there's no way she will ever accept to marry _you_." Colin stood up to leave the room, "She is a kind woman, I trust her and I wish to explore that, even beyond my duty as a friend." And with that he was gone, leaving Anthony speechless yet again. 

Benedict awkwardly exited the study closing the door behind him, leaving Anthony alone head in his hands sitting at his father's desk. Feeling just like a little boy again, insecure and unsure of any of the right choices. He wiped his tears hastily no longer allowing himself to indulge in his drunken feelings. 

Part of him knew that if he wanted to he could go across town, maybe even see Siena, perhaps sleep with her, take his mind off anything to do with Caroline. If not Siena surely he could find someone to take his mind off of her. Shame overcame his heartbreak reminding him that he was indeed trying to become that better man, a man like his father. He traced the carvings of his father's desk that he had traced since a child back then watching his father sit where he was now. The pressure of his legacy that suffocated him so often felt present but somewhat motivating this time instead of overwhelming, and for the first time in a very long time Anthony made a good decision. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a/n: omg Anthony making a good choice? Unheard of! What do you think it is? I feel so bad for Colin he seems like such a sweetie pie. 💗 He doesn't deserve to be talked to by his angsty brother like that!   
>  I love reading all the comments or reactions you guys have! Thanks so much for reading this chapter! 💗 I will post another update soon! 


	9. part VIII: unwelcomed suitors

__

_Songs:  
BS- Still Woozy  
Losing You-Solange  
Ungodly Hour- Chloe X Halle (omg it's the title _😂)

*****

_I shall say, dear reader, expectations were high, however, no one expected the presentation we saw yesterday. Completely unprecedented and on her first day in the ton, too! Our untitled guest from the country has finally been announced and what an announcement it was, Miss Kensington appeared to make such an entrance the Viscount Bridgerton could not help but disrupt the entire reception. To the point where many were not even concerned with the crowning of this season's incomparable diamond, Miss Nathalia Telvie. Whether it be first impressions or old flames this investigative gossip intends to get to the bottom of it all._

_................_

_LADY WHISTLEDOWN SOCIETY PAPERS  
_ _27, April 1814_

Anthony awoke the next day attempting to ignore his splitting hangover. He rolled over lazily checking his pocket watch. The time springing him from the bed. It was half-past one, far later than he had intended sleeping. 

After dressing, eating, and grumbling through his hangover, nearly another half hour had passed. 

"Where are the flowers?" Anthony was dismissive to his staff in a tunnel vision of his own priorities.

"Sir, I apologize they did not have the tulips you requested, will pink roses suffice?" 

"What do you mean?" Anthony snapped. He'd registered the statement instead rather annoyed things were already not going his way.

"They were out of stock, apologies, my lord the florist was not given enough notice, considering they were requested at three this morning," Anthony's butler said more stern than Anthony cared for, only reminding Anthony of all the shortcomings his laziness had caused.

"Ahem well," Anthony cleared his throat as he shifted uncomfortably in his seat, "It will have to do, that will be all, Mr. Talbot."

The walk to the Heathman manor was not far from Anthony's bachelor lodgings. However, when he had crafted his grand apology last night in his drunken state he had not anticipated how nervous he would be in the moment. Last night he had been so confident, memorizing his lines making sure he would not forget his thoughts as he had every time before. This time Anthony would be prepared emotionally and mentally, he hoped. 

His hand shook slightly as he reached to knock the ornate gold lion's head doorknockers. His lips quivered with each slow inhale and exhale as he waited for a response, fidgeting with the thorns of the roses slowly picking them off bit by bit. 

But Caroline was not there, and though it had flustered Anthony he decided to wait in the drawing-room for her until she returned, continuing to pick at the thorns anxiety building within him. 

*****

"My lady, perhaps you should head back now?" Mia, one of the lady's maids near Caroline's age asked nervously. It was mid-afternoon and Caroline had been exploring the gardens for the past hour and had no intention of returning back to the Heathman manor.

"Yes Mia, you are right. We will head back very shortly, I must finish this passage first," she stalled rereading the last couplet repeatedly before giving in. The light spring breeze tossed the pages of her very old and worn poetry book to the most dominant crease in the spine. The crease she had attempted to remedy, in a feeble attempt expel anything that had ever reminded her of Anthony. A crease that led to a page that nearly caused her to burn the sentimental book her father had given her. The mere sight of the sonnet caused her to shut the book abruptly nearly making Mia jump.

"Shall we finish picking flowers and head back?" Caroline asked hoping Mia would sense her lack of urgency.

"Miss Caroline, I told you we cannot–"

"Yes, I know, you said, but everyone must right? They will only grow back anyhow?" Caroline leaned down to pick a small lily of the valley flower, one of the few species she recognized among the imported plants. She rang the little white bells whimsically, imitating the way she had as a child pretended they were wedding bells for fairies.

She heard hooves behind her, praying it was no one looking for her by name, however, they stopped.

"Why Miss? You know you are not supposed to pick the flowers, don't you? They belong to the Queen, she may throw you in the dungeon for such an offense," a joke but a consequence Caroline didn't wish to risk.

Caroline turned her head to see a handsome stranger approaching. As he left his horse Caroline noticed how tall he was. He appeared to be around thirty, his build was large but relatively lean. His dark blonde hair peaked beneath his top hat and lined his face in neatly styled sideburns. He removed his hat briefly with a bow in respect to the two young ladies, allowing Caroline to see his light blue eyes and long curls that shagged around his face.

"Did try to warn her my lord," Mia curtsied. Caroline shot her an amused glare, enjoying how they had bonded over the short time together. She had just begun to treat Caroline as a friend rather than a Lady she waited on, something she greatly valued.

"She did, and despite such warning, I rebelled! Oh, dearest Mia! How will you ever forgive me?" She turned to Mia and the two girls exploded in giggles practically ignoring the handsome stranger.

"You must be Miss Kensington, the one that nobody, including Lady Whistledown, can stop talking about?" giving Caroline's hand a kiss.

"Oh do not tell me you subscribe to such scribblings too?" she mocked. "But yes, it is I the notorious Miss Kensington," she curtsied half-joking and half annoyed he would bring up such a name as Lady Whistledown.

"You really must be new here, simply _everyone_ does it's the only way to understand any happenings around here." He selected a rose on the bush, plucking it passively, "Perhaps you can accept this as an apology, but you'll have to promise not to tell anyone I picked one of the Queen's flowers." He laughed handing her the red rose, surprising Caroline, and she blushed in response.

"Why my Lord, I suppose I must after such a kind gesture. I suppose can keep your secret, if only you do the same for me," she giggled smelling the fragrant flower. The second she looked up he was already mounting his horse, making a quick getaway.

"Wait! My lord, I don't even know your name?"

"You will." And without another word he rode off, leaving Mia swooning and Caroline rolling her eyes.

"Am I supposed to find _that_ charming? How pretentious"

"It wasn't so bad, was it?" Mia teased making Caroline blushed.

"Whatever, come we will go back now!" Caroline shook her head at Mia's suspicious smirk. "Oh stop looking at me like that." The two girls giggled arm and arm the whole walk home.

"Where on earth have you been? I told you to be back here hours ago," Lady Heathman greeted them angrily when they arrived back.

"I was getting you this!" Caroline lied, handing Lady Heathman the rose. "It took me forever to pick the perfect one!"

Lady Heathman remained unamused seeing through the gesture. "I would've preferred you had change into _indoor_ clothes first, but no matter there is no longer any more time. Suitors are already waiting for you!"

"Right... suitors," Caroline froze as Mia took the overcoat off her stiff body. 

Anthony had waited near an hour to see Caroline, and though he had been waited on so attentively by the Heathman's staff he was incredibly impatient after about fifty minutes of waiting he was furious when another suitor showed up. His eye narrowed into a piercing glare when the man entered and he recognized Lord Berbrooke. 

He stood up from his chair imposingly, as both jealousy and protective instinct bubbled within him. He would not allow this monster to marry Caroline if was the last thing he ever did, not after all he had witnessed. He would rather she marry Colin before that pig Lord Berbrooke, no matter how painful it would be for Anthony to watch. 

"What are you doing here, Lord Berbrooke?" he said through gritted teeth, keeping his persistent glare. 

"Ah, I figured you'd be here but perhaps I could avoid you," Lord Berbrooke was dismissive of Anthony.

"Yes, I am here. Has your reputation been ruined during so much last season you must prey on someone as vulnerable as Miss Kensington?" Anthony took a step forward having to physically stop himself from flinging himself forward and yelling right in Berbrooke's sweaty red face.

"Is that confirmation of the rumors that she is of the intent to improve her station through marriage?" Lord Berbrooke spit back making sure Anthony knew he was just stubborn and just as entitled as Anthony could be and he would not be intimated out of his pursuit of Caroline. Enraging Anthony during the process would only encourage him to stake a 'claim' over her. 

Anthony meant to retort but it was at that moment Caroline entered the extremely tense drawing-room allowing silence to reverberate in the awkward room the second she opened the door.

Caroline could feel the tension between the two as she glanced back and forth between them her gazes at Anthony becoming longer and longer as she processed his presence once again. She had no idea how to even look at him, not after everything he'd done; the broken engagement, the neglect, the merciless teasing of passion just last night, and now speaking on her 'vulnerable position' as if he knew anything about her or her situation, regardless it was not _his_ place to speak on that for her. Of all of the wrongs somehow in this moment, it was his assumptions of her and his willingness to speak on it so freely to _her_ suitors, no matter how undesirable they were to her, that hurt the most. As it added to all the other pieces of evidence she had gathered over the years made her feel that he'd always seen her as less than him. 

"What are _you_ doing here, Lord Bridgerton?" Caroline asked indignantly, balling her anger into her small fists. Her palms sweaty as she chewed on the inside of her lip with anxiety realizing Lady Heathman and Lord Berbroke were both watching and anything she said would be analyzed but not only all the women but all the men of the _ton_ as well, and neither of them could risk another horrible interaction.

"I came to bring you these," Anthony did not stumble over his words this time, for once feeling prepared despite Lord Berbrooke's presence. He picked up the roses from his chair, now completely dethroned in his anxious fidgeting. "I also came to apologize to you most sincerely, I have not been myself. I fear my horrible behavior has been unfairly reflected on to you and I came here to let you know that was never my intention."

Caroline's anger muddled her brain to the point where his words still felt meaningless it was all far too little and far too late. even this apology now though lofty was incredibly exposing and public only confirming to Lord Berbrooke and Lady Heathman something was afoot between them. 

"I do not know how you intend to solve such damage with roses and musings,"

"I am attempting a start Miss Kensington–" She silenced him as she approached him snathing the pink roses from his hands. 

"I asked you repeatedly to leave me alone, Anthony," she whispered through her teeth hoping no one else in the room would hear her 

His face lit up with a smirk that instantly infuriated Caroline. It was the first time she had called him Anthony since the presentation, a simple slip of the tongue out of habit she had hoped he wouldn't notice. But he had, and not only had it given him hope, but it also amused him how hard she was trying to maintain a wall of distance and formalities between them despite all their history together and her own instincts.

He smirked down at her and not only in anger but in embarrassment her face flushed pink, arousing his amusement further. Her breath hitched as he stared at her with his teasing deep brown eyes and though he mocked her pain in the moment, her heartbeat quickened at his expression. His stare was alluring and focused as he caressed her body with his eyes taking in the silent tension between the two, still holding the stupid expression that infuriated Caroline. Perhaps that was why her entire body felt aflame, but it wouldn't explain why her legs shook beneath her skirts in response to the achy sensation that rang through her body, as the short distance between them only became more and more noticeable. She looked down breaking his amused gaze not allowing him to taunt her pain any further. 

"Mr. Bridgerton, I am afraid you will have to return another day, I am extremely busy," Caroline took a large step back finally acknowledging they were not the only two in the room.

"I see, with all your suitors?" his arm motioned to the near-empty room and Lord Berbroke with a devilish grin. 

Caroline finally acknowledged the stout balding man in the corner who had attempted to eavesdrop from the opposite corner of the room. 

"Well you said yourself, ' _my position is vulnerable'_ , therefore I just must accept whichever suitors call on me," Caroline shrugged brashly confirming Anthony's fear that she had heard them. 

"Carrie I didn't mean it that way I–" he forgot any rules the two had created for each other, attempting to reach for her hand. But she stepped away further recoiling from him, leaving a cold chill throughout him in the absence of her proximity. 

"Do not call me that, Lord Bridgerton!" Caroline was fed up. "Is the reason you refuse to address me respectfully is that you do not deem a woman like me in my _vulnerable_ position worthy of respect? I have asked you repeatedly to address me as Miss Kensington, to leave me _alone,_ and yet you refuse all my requests!"

"Miss Kensington! Please just allow me to explain myself! I did not intend to offend you, but you need to know this man," he pointed to Lord Berbrooke. Anthony's body was beginning to shake with rage that he even had to address the man who had tormented his sister just last year. "This man is an atrocious excuse for a gentleman and you cannot marry him. You cannot even entertain his favor!"

"And who are you to demand such thing for me? I haven't talked to you in six years, Lord Bridgerton we are no longer friends, I would prefer to keep it that way. I require no protection nor warning from you, I am perfectly capable of evaluating who people are all on my own." She flashed him a glare reminding him she was indeed referring to him and he stared at his boots briefly befuddled by the confrontation. 

His glare returning to Lord Berbrooke, who they had both been ignoring rather successfully, speaking as if he wasn't even there. "How is your bastard doing, is his mother, your former _maid_ doing well?" Anthony snapped viciously, he was tired of even entertaining the buffoon's presence, much less the idea of him marrying Caroline.

"Fine, and your _opera singer?_ What is her name again? Siena? Who is she sleeping with to sponsor her career now?"

Anthony heard a small scoff escape Caroline's throat, and in his peripheral, unable to face her. He could see her silently laughing at him as she had expected nothing less. 

Anthony filled with rage and he thought he would have hit Lord Berbrooke if the man hadn't left a second later having seen that any chance he had courting Caroline would be personally squandered by Anthony. 

"Good, we can finally talk in peace," Anthony stated, he was relieved, unlike Caroline. Lady Heathman had left the room to grab fresh tea at some point, though Caroline had not noticed leaving them practically alone except for a few staff members walking throughout the house.

"In peace? I have not known peace since I saw you Lord Bridgerton!" Caroline was fighting back frustrated tears unsure how to process anything occurring around her.

"You must understand I met her _long_ after you, and I haven't seen her in months!" Anthony pleaded but Caroline was not even looking at him.

"Of course, you think that is why I am upset! After all this time, I am just jealous!?" she laughed at his audacity, making him shrink into his waistcoat with his bruised ego. "If you had said we are madly in love and I plan to marry her, that would have made me far happier than _your_ answer. I see you have not changed one bit. You have found yet another girl you deem disposable due to her status. Even after all this time you are the same selfish person, my lord." Her words stung Anthony's heart so deeply, its pace quickening in a stress response, notifying him tears were near.

"She was not disposable to me, and neither are you! Why do you think I am even here?" he breathed out slowly as to not allow himself to break at the reminder of losing Siena or the thought of losing Caroline again. 

"I can only assume to torment me further, never responding to any of my letters was not enough, nor was attempting to _seduce_ me last night!" she whispered the last past of the sentence even though they were alone beside a few servants milling throughout the large room.

Anthony laughed,"I hardly would call that me _seducing you_ " he said staring down at her with the same playful smirk that had infuriated and enticed her just minutes before. She ignored any arousal she felt, feeling that he had clearly orchestrated to distract her once again.

"You laugh again at my torment, refusing to acknowledge the actual content of what I say. I am telling you how you hurt me all this time, how you vex me so and you yet continue to tease and jest unable to hear the pain you've caused." Tears of bitter relief were now filing Caroline's eyes. She had finally worked up the courage to say something meaningful about her feelings. Feelings she had been trying to process since their reunion yesterday, even if what she said was only a fraction of what she felt.

"I– I didn't– you are right... And I am sorry, 'Miss Kensington,'" he hated the way the formality fell awkwardly off his lips, making his apology feel stilted. "I never wanted to hurt you this much, truly never intended any of this, especially this reaction."

She looked at him perplexed, still unable to acknowledge his meager apology. It just wasn't enough for her and after all this time she wondered if anything would be. 

"It would be enough to accept your apology if it were just the pain you have caused me, but, my lord, everything I have seen of you has shown me all the vices that I had to overlook to love you have become your essence. Your arrogance radiates _everywhere_ you go. Just now you spoke to Lord Berbrooke as if it such a shame to have a bastard with a maid. Not shocked at any impropriety of a child out wedlock, no outrage that it was _a maid_." She was exasperated choosing to refer to anything he did that angered her rather than forgive him once again with his apologies that were genuine at heart but truly lacked any growth or redemption in practice. 

"Why do you care so much about that– about status? You know that I don't care about such things!" Anthony said genuinely trying to comfort her.

"It's my life, _Lord_ Bridgerton! It's the very reason I must address you as such. How can you say such a thing? When you have let your status affect every aspect of your life, including our entire relationship even when we were children!" She stepped away from him again, they had traveled practically across the room during the conversation and were now practically huddled in the corner together arms length apart. Caroline worried she would not have a good exit should he try and 'comfort' her again. "That is why we can never be together and somehow you have never understood that–"

"Caroline for fucks sake can you just let me apologize?" he took another step to her, whispering the exhausted words under his breath so only she could hear, getting closer to her face than she wished him to. A small gasp escaped her as she was shocked at his proximity rather than his language, as she knew he only swore when he truly over the edge of frustration.

"No Lord Bridgerton! And after everything you forget yourself yet again," she pushed him back gently but firm, not allowing him to crowd her anymore simply because he had decided to take up more space.

The push shocked Anthony as he stumbled back slightly, however it was far more effective at allowing himself to collect his anger and recognize that he had in fact forgotten himself again, far too emotionally entangled in the heartache and passion of their past and present. 

Lady Heathman had finally returned and for once Caroline was grateful to see her as she knew Lady Heathan would not allow any of his nonsense in her home if she saw it. Anthony noticed this too almost immediately collecting himself, discouraged at the lack of privacy but realizing once again that them being alone together had only led to trouble.

"You are right Miss Kensington..." he paused for a long moment the only sound in the room was Lady Heathman as she organized the new pastries from the tray, pretending she wasn't watching their every move. "I will not bother you further. Even a friendship with a rake like myself would only further hurt your reputation." He didn't dare look her in the eyes knowing it would cause the brewing tears to fall. He swallowed the lump in his throat, unsure if he should immediately leave or wait for her response. He waited but received none and instead left only hearing behind him:

"Thank you. That is all I have ever wanted from you," Caroline lied unable to look him, even his turned back as he stood in the doorway.

Her words stung and stopped him in place at the exit of the drawing-room. A small defeated chuckle escaped his lips, perhaps in an attempt to curb his tears. "Goodbye Carrie," his voice cracked as tears continued to threaten him, but he left before anything could be registered. 

His use of her nickname one last time felt earnest instead of belittling as it had before and she couldn't stop the tears that began to fall as she acknowledged for him it was their final goodbye, and she had gotten what she wanted. Hopeful that he would keep his promise this time, and secretly hopeful that he wouldn't. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> trivia I found on the Bridgerton wiki that I thought may help explain Berbrooke's insult against my baby Siena (literal angel). Turns out the arts have always been underfunded even in the Regency era:
> 
> "Being part of an opera house usually meant having a "patron" who, in exchange for sexual favors, would fund a young woman's career. Therefore, it was considered shameful and scandalous to be an opera singer."


	10. part IX: we are moving on; together

__

_Songs:  
Prince Johnny- St Vincent  
Red is the Rose-Dala  
Sunday-The Cranberries_

******

Anthony instantly regretted walking to the Heathman manor, as he now had to walk through the square back to his bachelor quarters dejected in secret. His face was stoic and unemotional up to the moment he walked through the front door. He was greeted by a footman expecting to take his overcoat. Anthony brushed past him in a huff loosening his layers himself in the foyer; much to the shock of the servants who began to scatter erratically. He threw the waistcoat to the ground in a final exasperated huff, leaving him panting in his cotton cuffed shirt still feeling constricted by the fabric. He began unbuttoning the sleeves and neck, oscillating his breath between seething in anger and choking on misery. But he did not cry, achieving his only objective as he now decided he would no longer cry any tears over Caroline Kensington, no matter how painful or how tempting it may be. He had done everything he felt he could and in the process, he had disobeyed and disrespected her, only adding the many unforgivable offenses he had committed. 

"Did it not go well?" 

Anthony was surprised and plucked from his fit, yielding his attention to Simon who was lounging in an armchair in the adjacent drawing room, sipping a whiskey and watching the entire tantrum. And though his smile was slightly amused his eyes were filled with empathy for his best friend. 

Anthony's arms fell to his side in frustration, he had felt somewhat composed until actually asked how he was. "The florist didn't have tulips..." he mumbled under his breath as he stomped into the drawing-room immediately heading for the bar and fixing himself a whiskey.

"What?"

"Nothing..." Anthony grumbled under his breath unable to explain.

The Caroline that existed now was a completely different person than the woman he'd fallen in love with, that much he knew. 'That Caroline was always compassionate and understanding of me, I can no longer recognize her.' The words echoed in his mind as a lofty defense mechanism. The admirable goals of change that Anthony had intended at the start of the season were slowly dissipating, he felt himself slowly inching back to his harshest and most rakish parts. He stared into the brown liquid sloshing it around the crystal glass until finally letting the liquor ignite his tongue, inviting him to retire such headaches as Caroline Kensington. 

Anthony broke the long and comfortable silence, his attempts to stop talking about her remaining short-lived, "She's just so temperamental, so won't listen to a single thing I say, even an apology!" He leaned back in his chair taking another frustrated sip. "There is not a single thing I can do, Hastings. I just have to accept it..." his voice trailed off as his eyes wistfully stared at the bottom of his now empty glass. He shut his eyes forcefully, gripping the glass in his fist, taking a breath of air tightly in from his nose as if it was the only thing keeping him tied together. 

Simon echoed his silence with a sigh. "I'm sorry, Bridgerton, I truly am. But perhaps it is for the best? You never did tell anyone what happened between you two." His voice had changed to curious. After nearly six years of friendship, there still so much the two had never discussed with each other.

Anthony chewed on the inside of his lip nervously, "Yes. It is," he finally replied stiffly. The truth was nobody in Anthony's circle actually knew what he had done to Caroline. The extent of their relationship to everyone in the Bridgerton family was 'summer love' that had overgrown but never anything serious, and Anthony desperately wished to keep it that way. To live with the shame of his actions was enough, he could not fathom how he would feel if, anyone, even his close friend Simon, learned how he had cruelly broken so many promises to Caroline, including an engagement. 

"Would a hunt bring your mind off it?" Simon asked slapping Anthony's knee in comfort with a change of subject. 

Anthony shook his head, "No," he sighed. "Daphne wouldn't stand for it anyhow, nor Mother if I were to abandon Eloise–"

"Eloise is more than capable of taking care of herself, however, you are right I did not mean a full week hunting trip, more like shooting practice, say pigeons," Simon laughed. 

"Perhaps, wouldn't be the worst idea," Anthony chuckled back. "Anything on earth that doesn't involve the mention of _that_ woman." 

"Anthony..."

"I just– I did not expect it to be this hard. All I wanted to..." he trailed off unable to finish the sentence. In truth, he knew wanted far too much from Caroline. 

"We cannot get everything we want–"

"Do you not think I know that!? Why am I even talking to you about, how would you possibly understand? You are married _and_ in love," Anthony got up from his chair refill his glass. "You have no idea what it is like to know someone you love will marry another."

"I almost did. Lord Berbrooke, or have you already forgotten?" Simon's words stung Anthony sharper than the liquor he nearly choked on in reaction. 

"No. I have not." He was stern, anger bubbling within him. Not particularly towards Simon but towards his position and with each moment that he repressed his heartbreak, that anger grew towards Caroline. "And perhaps now I shall get what I deserve. She very well may marry Lord Berbrooke or even Colin. I still have not determined which is worse"

"Colin? Your brother, why on earth? And regardless, Berbrooke is far worse, even if it means you are the one that must suffer." Simon got up and put his hand on Anthony's shoulder, trying to bring reassurance, "You will get through this Bridgerton, you did before. You will do it again, whatever it takes. And I'll help you through it just as I did last time." 

"It can't be whatever it takes this time, Simon. I need to marry at the end of this season." 

"Says who?"

"I do!" he shook the comfort he felt he did not deserve. "I am tired of being such an embarrassment to my family! And now even when I am trying, I seem to fail," the words were stilted and exhausted Simon could tell Anthony was at his wit's end. 

"You have courted one girl, Anthony. A girl who had specifically told you to leave her alone. You do not need to give up on the entire idea of love."

"I gave up on love a long time ago," Anthony felt anxious as the familiar lump formed in his throat. It had been a while since he had opened up to anyone especially Simon, since their feuding all last season. It was nice to trust each other again finally, after everything the two had been through. He was truly Anthony's brother both in law and heart, but it did not make being so open with his emotions any easier. "Love in its nature, for men like me is impossible. Love is the reason I hurt Caroline and it is the reason I hurt Siena. I cannot continue to allow love to destroy every aspect of my life or my future wife's as I have with every other woman I have fallen for."

Simon could only respond with a worried expression. He had heard Anthony talk like this before when they first met in university and he had arrived at school heartbroken over Caroline. However, back then his response to such existentialism was to drown sorrow in drink, women, and gambling. Anthony's new coping mechanism appeared to be an advantageous marriage, one that would not involve love or romance, and somehow Simon did not expect it to be a much healthier choice. 

*******

It was early morning, still, blue hour, and the sun was nearly to rise. Caroline sat listening to the birds' vocalization ring throughout the silent and empty square from her window sill. The entire square was drenched in turquoise and lavender light, thirsty for the dawn that was mere minutes away. It was Caroline's favorite time of day but was so brief and incredibly easy to miss. 

The servants didn't even appear to be awake yet, or at least Mia had not checked on Caroline yet. It was a brief moment of solitude in the prying and overwhelming society Caroline had been pushed into.

She could see the lavender edges of the darkened square slowly fading to pink and the orange and yellow rays of sunlight seemed minutes away but were still further away than one could see. At this time the in the low light and familiar horizon it felt like home for just a brief moment. The buildings of the square though far too large were unidentifiable in the low light and as just large shapes she could picture them as the barn, the town hall, or church. The trees though far too manicured but still reminded her of the woodland forests just outside her window where she would also wait on the window sill, windows open, legs dangling out. Carefree and uninhibited as she was at home she now sat on the sill in her nightgown with the window open wrapping her arms around her knees unafraid of falling. She began to sing along with the swallows that serenaded the empty square. Finally processing the feelings and events that terrified her to refine into meaning, the only way she knew how through the songs that her older brother Patrick had taught her. 

_"Come over the hills, my bonnie Irish lass  
_ _Come over the hills to your darling  
_ _You choose the road, love, and I'll make the vow  
_ _And I'll be your true love forever."_

The song always made her cry and whenever she was in desperate need of catharsis she exploited its sentimental lyrics and melody. The way her voice danced upon through the peaks and valleys of the melody forced not only her open her lips letting the words escape but also opened her soul up to explore resented and disorganized emotions that were unwelcomed at any other time. She sang directly to the horizon, the sun that crept closer to the square as the color and shapes of the square slowly became illuminated in the sunrise.

_Red is the rose that in yonder garden grows  
Fair is the lily of the valley  
Clear is the water that flows from the Boyne  
But my love is fairer than any._

On valley, the notes lingered higher and her voice nearly cracked as an unsuspecting tear sprang free from her eye as her cheeks threatened more tears to fall with their movement when she continued to sing. She closed her eyes allowing the catharsis to complete its undertaking, wondering how many more poignant moments of reflection like this she would have before she was married to a stranger. 

_Come over the hills, my bonnie Irish lass  
Come over the hills to your darling  
You choose the road, love, and I'll make the vow  
_

_And I'll be your true love forever._ _"_

Three more tears fell from her shut eyes by the time she had finished, not ideal but a wonderful feat of restraint for Caroline's usual sentimentality, especially when singing love songs. She would tell herself these tears were due to homesickness, instead of Anthony, but she could never be sure anymore. The past few days had gone by so quickly and dramatically that Caroline had not processed missing home, much less Anthony or their final goodbye, the second in its nature. 

When Caroline opened her eyes the sun had risen over the square. The sun tickled the treetops of the perfectly pruned trees and reflected off the fountains, creating a sparkling distraction that glinted with each perpetual spurt of water the court fountains threw into the air. 

Small claps from below pulled Caroline's attention from the dazzling waterworks, back to her own emotional ones. Below her clapping were two lads on horseback, one of the few people greeting the new day so early. 

Caroline's face lost color as she hastily whipped any remainest of tears from her face. Without even bothering to identify the men she sprang from the window sill dropping below to the floor in a hard thunk. The sound of laughter she swore she could hear below enraged her, along with the swell of embarrassment and now mild bruising from her ungraceful escape. She didn't know which was more humiliating: Two men seeing her in her nightdress, or anyone _ever_ besides _maybe_ Sebastian or family on a good day, hearing her sing. There was a reason Caroline did not play pianoforte or other instruments in addition to not enough time or money to learn, she also had no guts. 

Caroline peaked from beneath the window seat, waiting for the men to leave so she could close the window and crawl back into the safety of the bed where no one else could judge her for at least a few more minutes. 

But they did not leave. 

"Damn perverts," Caroline mumbled under her breathe. "Looking for another glance."

"Oh Rapunzel, Rapunzel let done your hair!" one of the men called, she could not properly identify him, all she could see was he had dark skin and wore a forest green overcoat. 

The other man was white and dressed in purple, he seemed somewhat familiar but again could barely identify anything else under all the top hats and overcoats from her limited view. 

She dropped to the floor lying flat on the ground wordlessly. Afraid to encourage their presence. 

"We did love it, Miss! Apologies for disturbing your morning," the man in green continued, his voice was almost stilted, deep, but flowery, as if he had once had a thick accent that was no longer dominant. His words and inflection were incredibly charming and made her grin up at the pastel molding of the bedroom ceiling as the light blush overcame her face making her feel only more embarrassed and awkward.

"She's never gonna respond to you, Telvie. Cut your losses," the other man replied to his friend's unanswered calls. 

"We have a case of stage fright, I suppose! Though I the one hypnotizing men in the dawn, careful she may be bewitching men!" the man laughed at his own joke. Making Caroline rather annoyed at how long he had decided to continue to pester at her window. 

"We have a case of voyeurism as well, I suppose," Caroline retorted springing to her feet to finally address the men. She reached for the window panes to close them.

"You are the one giving a performance to the whole square in your nightdress, Miss. I apologize we were fortunate enough to witness though it will be hard to feign regret," he grinned up at her, finally revealing his face to her. A smile of perfect white teeth, that was so natural and kind in its essence. It was hard to determine which had caused her to blush first, the flash of his smile or the charming way he teased. Nevertheless, an instinctual giggling smile and blush overcame Caroline, one that she would have resented if he had not been a tad correct. Just because the square was empty when she started does mean her windowsill was her private performance space. No matter how much she craved privacy everything reminded her how scarce it was in Grosvenor square. 

"Do you often call outside ladies' windows begging them to respond?" she teased back finally gaining confidence over the quick-witted man.

"Do you only sing Irish songs? In an English court no less, you are quite daring aren't you?" his wicked grin had faded to curiosity.

"I–I didn't even realize," Caroline stumbled over the words realizing how much she had truly forgotten herself. "My brother taught it to me, it just reminds me of home..." she trailed off, trying to repair any guard she had let down, she was slowly learning not to reveal all one's card at once in the _ton._

"What is your name, Rapunzel?" his accent rolled over the r in a determined but delicate tone unlike any Caroline had never heard before. 

"What is _your_ name stranger?" 

He laughed at her reluctance. "I am Viktor Telvie," he removed his top hat in a half bow, all that he could do on horseback. The removal of the hat permitted a view of black shiny defined curls that bounced back in volume at their temporary freedom from his hat. 

Caroline didn't recognize his name a bit shocked by such a gentleman's informal introduction using his first name and no titles, however, she rather appreciated the glimpse she got at his face more. Handsome to match his smile and charms. 

"Now will you tell me your name or must I continue to call you Rapunzel?"

"And your friend?" Caroline put hands on her hips and raised her eyebrow. She was simply teasing now, enjoying the banter the two had created. 

The second man finally removed his top hat revealing familiar blonde curls and kind blue eyes. She immediately recognized him as the man she met in the garden the day before. She held back the chuckle that compelled her, all these men seemed rather eager to speak with her. Something she wasn't exactly used to, but perhaps that is the very nature of putting yourself on a marriage market, she thought. 

"Lord Pembley, my lady," he copied the half-bow Viktor had done earlier. "We have met though, Miss Kensington." She flashed him a playful glare now that he had revealed her position. 

"That we have! Now I finally learn your name, pleasure to meet you Lord Pembley and uh– Mr. Telvie?" she didn't know how to properly address him, but he didn't seem to mind. 

"You can just call my Viktor, the formalities are unnecessary." 

Caroline was not used to such casualness in the square, it was incredibly refreshing and unexpected from such a well-dressed gentleman. She wondered if perhaps he was untitled like her and therefore also didn't care for such formalities. 

"I hope that we will see you at the Opera tonight. Will you be performing, Miss Rapunzel Kensington?" he wouldn't let up on the banter though Caroline could hardly deny that she wished it to continue. No longer concerned with shutting the window now. 

"I will be in a seat not on the stage."

"I hope you will join us in my private box then, with a chaperone of course!" he responded so naturally as it was intrinsic instead of incredibly spontaneous.

Caroline looked down at him with a very confused look. 'Who was this man?'. Caroline looked at his expectant face, he did not look like he would leave until he got his desired answer, which she was inclined to give.

"I will see you both at the opera tonight, I do not know where I will be sitting, however. Good day Lord Pembley, you as well Mr. Telvie," she nodded to the men reaching to shut the window once again. 

"Viktor, do not forget Rapunzel!" he chimed back his accent revealing itself even more on the letters of his own name. 

"Do not be fresh Mr. Telvie," Caroline closed windows finally, hoping he would recognize the flirtation in her last words. She locked the latch of the windows pulling together the curtains in hiding. She flipped around, a smile on her face as if she had a secret. She sunk to the ground in a bubbly haze of girlish affection, finally feeling confident in her choices for marriage. There were at least two other eligible bachelors in the _ton_ other than the Bridgerton brothers, perhaps Lady Whistledown had lied. 

******

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a/n: okay I swear no more cute boys, just cute girl characters from now ;) I will be posting a double update today!


	11. part X: a night at the opera

_Songs:  
Questioning my mind- Ambar Lucid  
_ _Love of my Life- Queen_  
Checkmate- Conan Gray  
Snap Out of It- Arctic Monkeys

******

The opera lobby was bustling reminding Caroline of her first day in court waiting in line at the presentation, as she, Terrence, and Mia waited in line to find their seats. Somehow Caroline had convinced Lady Heathman who did not want to attend anyways to give Mia her seat as a 'chaperone'. They had said Terrence may be distracted during the performance. He had played along with her charade with little coxing, as he told her it did give him an excuse to abandon Caroline should he see a girl he had pined after for many years and was just now developing a genuine friendship with.

Mia and Caroline were ecstatic though, now Mia was dressed as nicely as Caroline had been the past few days and the two could enjoy a night out together as friends, not as lady and lady in waiting.

They had not been in the lobby long when the familiar rough but musical light accent rang in Caroline's ears. She turned to see Viktor behind her staring down at her. This was the first they had seen each other up close, she was actually surprised he even recognized her in a sea of other skinny blondes. She examined his deep brown eyes the same way they examined her. He looked her up and down in a way that was not imprudent but made Caroline blush instinctually.

"Will you please join us in our box?" Viktor stepped aside revealing Lord Pembley behind him.

"It would be improper for us both to join you alone, don't you agree Lord Pembley?" she asked him, making him blush at the suggestive but subtle question.

"We will not be alone," Viktor laughed. "Don't worry there will be other ladies and lords with us, there is no reason to not trust me, Miss Kensington."

"I see you have dropped the nicknames, I must say I am relieved."

"Oh no, Rapunzel, do not worry," he took her gloved hand wrapping his arm around her elbow. And before she could protest she and Mia were both being escorted to the private boxes. The one they entered was especially grand, center level on the right, placed just so that they could see the entire stage with no obstruction. The stage curtain was drawn but already the red velvet with specks of gold glinting off the candlelight of the stage lamps and chandeliers dazzled Caroline.

Viktor Telvie was correct they were not alone, in fact, they were in the audience of the Queen. Both Mia and Caroline stood frozen in place as they registered that they would now be watching the performance with royalty. The Queen registered their awkward presence too, but instead of the anticipated snub, she welcomed the girls, actually recognizing Caroline. Perhaps from the presentation or Lady Whistledown.

"So the songbird you were telling me about was Miss Kensington, our season's Cinderella?" the Queen smiled at Caroline. Caroline and Mia both returned gracious curtsies.

"No, she is my Rapunzel, remember?" he laughed but Caroline frowned. Everyone was quoting fairy tales about her life as if it was a game or silly folklore but every moment in the _ton_ felt more like a stress dream with peaks and valleys of delight and terror.

"Ahh well she can be _my_ Cinderella," the Queen laughed back. "You will absolutely be Cinderella should you marry Prince Telvie!"

Viktor blushed. And said something to the Queen about counting chickens before they are hatched, but Caroline couldn't hear a thing. Sound had nearly drowned out as she heard the words 'Prince'. A Prince was the man she had been so informally talking to? He had even introduced himself as such how could she have known, but such an offense especially by someone at her status could be fatal, if not physically then reputation-wise.

"Your majesty," Caroline curtsied nearly interrupting Viktor who she had not been paying attention to in her shock.

He laughed at her once again, revealing his charming flash of a smile and a glint in his dark brown eyes. "See this is why I did not tell you, I knew you'd act this way."

"You do not even know me, your majesty," Caroline replied trying to making him feel a bit more comfortable with a casual tone.

"Maybe you are just easy to read." He looked her up and down again as if he was examining her. It was different than the hungry and almost drooling way Anthony would often stare her down though. He was meticulous and analytical instead.

The show was beginning Mia and Caroline sat in-between the gentlemen, Caroline next to the Prince, Mia next to the Lord. It struck Caroline how incredibly loud the hushed gossip was despite the overture beginning, a trend that did not appear to stop throughout the show.

"Do people ever watch the performance or do they just gossip the whole time?" Caroline finally allowed herself to whisper to the Prince, feeling only slightly hypocritical.

"Shhh!" he teased her. They both giggled through closed lips preventing their amusement from making too much noise. "But your answer is yes, they do gossip the _entire_ time."

Their laughter though quiet and concealed did somehow attract the attention of one audience member though, seated in a booth nearly straight across from them. Caroline had not to notice before the fanfare of royalty but sitting directly across from them in a booth nearly as elaborate was Anthony Bridgerton, a beautiful woman Caroline did not know, and his family.

He must have known she was there since the overture because it appeared he had been staring daggers at Caroline from across the theater for a while. Even in the dim light, she could see his eyes darkened in rage, narrowed into a glare, with a petulant frown covering his face. His arms were crossed in stubbornness. After clocking him in her peripheral Caroline finally met his eyes, returning the sulky glare, and though he had been the one to incite the disdainful stare down he appeared taken aback at her retaliation. His face turning from shock and perhaps what she could infer as sorrow, but immediately steadfast back to a stoic and icy glare.

Suddenly the beautiful woman sitting next to Anthony waved to their booth, bringing both Caroline and Anthony out of their vicious but wordless intimidation from across the sea of audience between them below.

"Ahh and right there," the Prince whispered in her ear igniting the hair on the back of her neck. Perhaps it would have been enough to forget about Anthony if he were not practically challenging her attention. "Is my sister, the Princess."

"The... Princess?" Caroline whispered trying to hide the dejection in her voice realizing Anthony had moved on to a Princess already, again reminding herself of the oceans apart between her and the Viscount that began with status and ended with his behavior. She wondered why on earth the Prince was even sitting with her tonight and dread instantly filled her already frazzled mind. He had been a perfect match until she realized he was royalty. Now she had no idea how to talk to the man she had just felt comfortable with so quickly.

"Yes, have you been introduced to her yet? You must meet her at intermission, you both will get along quite well, I think."

"The Princess, she is..." Caroline asked hoping he would catch on.

"Princess Nathalia Telvie, of Russia."

"And what are you both doing all the way over here, your majesty?"

"Improving relations between the rest of Europe, but mostly to find a good match for my sister that will improve the relationship we have with England. The Queen is a close friend however, stronger connections must be made for– the future." He almost didn't finish, as if he had a secret he worried to tell Caroline, but his words provided no hints to her. Her attention was still divided between her conversation with the prince, her brief gazes at the Princess, and the brief glares exchanged between her and Anthony.

She couldn't see terribly well over the candlelight chandeliers, but what she did she was a woman who looked like Viktor but much more feminine and delicate. Nathalia's dark skin glinted off the golden candlelight highlighting her cheekbones and glinting flashes of white teeth as she smiled, smiled at something Anthony was saying. Now Caroline was the jealous one staring daggers at Anthony. She had been caught up in the Princesses beauty that she had even forgotten that Nathalia was the one she was jealous of.

Anthony caught Caroline's jealous glare in his peripheral and returned it with a smirk. He leaned down to whisper something in Nathalia's ear toying with Caroline further, occupying all her attention. She felt her chest heaving in her seat as the surroundings faded into tunnel vision. She couldn't even pinpoint the hatred that radiated within her chest, there were too many roots grown from seeds Anthony had sown, continued to sow.

He whispered one last thing to her making Nathalia giggle so hard she had to put a gloved hand over her mouth to prevent disturbing the performance. Caroline's eye narrowed in jealousy. Anthony noticed, leaning back in his seat satisfied looking at Caroline with a smug expression crawling across his face.

However, his expression quickly dissipated and though it satisfied Caroline, she was not the cause. The first soprano began her aria, and the second the first note rang out his head snapped directly to the brunette on stage as if Caroline didn't exist.

Her attention was pulled by the singer too. Though her ego was bruised that she drew his attention from their competitive staring that had felt so intimate and encapsulating the way everything with Anthony always was. However, what had once been encapsulating love had turned to hatred and torment leaving a bitter but addicting taste in Caroline's mouth.

She tried to avert her eyes from Anthony, she did not wish to give him the satisfaction of attention that was unreciprocated. But it was difficult and he hardly seemed to notice as she stole glances between him and the soprano, organizing the fleeting thoughts in her head. She watched his eyes flickering in the candlelight a pang of familiar guilt and sadness that reminded her of how he looked at her when she first arrived. Guilty but somehow still hopeful. There was no more hope in Anthony's eyes when looked at her now, not after she had destroyed every shred yesterday when he visited her.

"She's enchanting isn't she?" the voice of the Prince nearly caused her to jump in her seat. She had nearly forgotten he was there, right next to her. With Anthony, the soprano, and her, she had felt they the only people in the room for so long, though it had been mere seconds.

"Yes, she has a magnificent voice," Caroline replied entranced slightly by the singer in both jealousy and genuine admiration.

"She does indeed." He paused listening to her voice flawlessly tiptoe around out the delicate decrescendo after such a high soprano belt. "I worry about her position here though, I wish for Siena to keep training here, for now. Perhaps I can convince her to come to the Russian court, however, all attempts so far have been unsuccessful," he began to whisper again once there was a free moment.

'Siena' her name rang through Caroline's mind as she finally pieced together her disorganized thoughts. 'This is the opera singer, the same one Anthony degraded, just as he did me.' It could explain everything and suddenly all jealousy she had felt toward Siena faded and all she felt now was empathy and kinship. Her voice so beautiful and haunting, leaving Caroline's heart aching within the pits of her stomach, beating rapidly. Timid tears filled Caroline's eyes at the hallowed melody, they danced across her cheeks slowly shy to fall to the ground.

During intermission, Lord Pembley brought Mia and Caroline champagne in tiny flutes while Prince Telvie scanned the room for his sister. They clinked the glasses together, discussing the show.

"Oh there she is," the Prince pointed the Princess out to Caroline.

"She's very beautiful," Caroline replied. "I can see why she was named the season's diamond."

"Yes, she is truly the pride of the family, which is why it is of utmost importance I protect her. Especially with all eyes on her as both the season's diamond and a Princess of a foreign land," the Prince was unusually anxious playing with his program in his hands. Caroline took a sip of her champagne, the bubbles tickling her nose.

"So that being said, what do you know of this Anthony Bridgerton?" the Prince asked abruptly making Caroline cough on her champagne. "He asked her to sit with him for the performance quite abruptly, but he assured me he'd be attending with his entire family so I... Ah and here they come, you can finally give me your first impression."

The Prince left her side to greet his sister before she could respond to anything. Mia grabbed Caroline's hand. She barely had time to explain their history to Mia over the past few days, but from the Lady Whistledown articles, _ton_ gossip, and Caroline's somewhat subtle hints Mia was not a fan of Anthony's. And although Caroline had plastered a fake smile over her face so that she could greet the entire Bridgerton family, Mia did not.

Her eyes were wide and smile nervous but she did not glare at the obnoxious smirk that approached her. Her heartbeat was beating so fast that she had to almost physically pull her attention from Anthony to Prince Telvie and the Princess for a formal introduction. She could just barely hear them over the echoes of her pounding heart. Pounding blood full of anxiety, anger, and spite, that made her whole body hot and tense whenever Anthony looked at her.

"This is my sister Princess Nathalia Telvie," the Prince introduced them.

Caroline curtsied to the Princess, "It is a pleasure to meet you, your majesty! I am Caroline Kensington. The Prince says we will be fast friends I hope he is correct!" she smiled genuinely. Anthony's smirk fading with her display of confidence.

"The pleasure is mine Miss Kensington, you must join us at the palace for tea this weekend!" the Princess replied grabbing Caroline's hand in hers sweetly. She surprised her with her friendliness she had never expected royalty to be so welcoming or so attractive; Caroline had always heard that most Princes and Princess were sickly or incredibly standoffish especially to 'peasants', but the Telvie's had contradicted all the negative stereotypes Caroline had about royals.

"Why that would be lovely! Thank you so much, your majesty!" Caroline's gaze left the warm comfort of Nathalia's dark brown eyes masked through thick lashes to Anthony's firey penetrating stare that she could swear she feel on her skin, igniting her flesh and anger further. It was awkward for several seconds as Caroline adverted her eyes from Anthony while he refused to do the same.

"And this is Lord Bridgerton," the Prince continued breaking the silence. Obscenities in awkward frustration nearly fell from her lips, however, her face expressed this making Anthony nearly laugh at her. She clasped her hand in Mia's tighter.

"Miss Kensington." Anthony looked at her with a smug smile as he reached for her free hand, taking it gently by the fingers, delicately tracing his fingers underneath against the silky glove, in a discreet way that only she and Anthony could notice. They did not break eye contact until the very moment he kissed her gloved hand nearly destroying her composure. Her eyes were wide with worry for inside she felt conflicted between disgust and delight.

"Hello, Lord Bridgerton," it was a mixture between the cold tone she had intended the breathless gasp that overtook her.

She retracted her hand from his grasp early, making him seeth in response, but the rejection was far too subtle for anyone else to notice. Her breath however was still shakey even as she diverted her attention back to the Bridgerton family, one of the first times she had an opportunity to actually see all of them.

Violet grabbed Caroline wrapping her into a tight hug, surprising her and Anthony as she could see by his face that was filled with panic.

"Lady Bridgerton, it is so good to see again!" Caroline exclaimed.

"We are so fortunate to have you in Grosvenor square, Caroline!" Violet beamed at Caroline when she broke from the embrace. "You and Lady Heathman are to attend dinner with us Wednesday, we are so excited to all catch up with you!"

Confusion broke out on her face and Caroline took a deep breath and gulped down her frustration to protest or at least request an explanation. Why had Lady Heathman not told her she had accepted such an invitation without her permission or any warning? After witnessing their last bitter interaction in the drawing-room no less. But before she could say anything music swelled from the stage signifying the end of intermission. Her eyes glanced to Anthony's face who looked equally surprised at the news.

"It was very nice meeting you, Miss Kensington!" Princess Telvie chimed as she said goodbye to her brother and Lord Pembley before leaving with the entire Bridgerton family, with Anthony on her arm. Violet gave Caroline a sweet goodbye and the other Bridgerton children waved or ramble off some niceties in the exchange. However, Caroline noticed that Colin was not present to exchange any sympathies with her in her time of need.

Mia however unwitting about the specific situation understood something was afoot. "Are you all right Miss Caroline?" asked Mia discreetly as they walked back to the booths with the Prince and Lord Pembley.

Her heart pounded in her chest reminding her how far from 'all right' she was. Caroline did not want to lie to Mia, "I will be, we will enjoy the show for now though." It was the truth, instead of giggling with Prince Telvie or glaring at Anthony, she rested her body close to Mia in her seat, grateful for the comfort her presence gave her. The two girls enjoyed the second act, both finding their own form of escapism in the opera.

However, after thirty minutes into the second act, the Queen was growing restless. Her last footman had gone to get more bottles of champagne and been taking far too long. She whispered her complaints just Siena began another Aria.

"Will you go check on him?" the Queen turned to her companion, he grumbled not looking inclined to accept or decline the request. The haunting aria was beginning again and Caroline did not wish to sob again especially after the emotional first act and welcomed the idea of stepping out for air and checking on the footman for the Queen, especially if it meant winning a small bit of favor in her vulnerable position. She volunteered and received a pleasantly surprised expression of gratitude from the Queen.

Caroline left the booth wordlessly, shaking her head politely when the Prince attempted to follow her. She did not wish to disturb the performance further and desperately needed a brief moment of solitude.

Caroline entered the theater lobby scanning the empty halls for a footman. She found none however she did find an unopened bottle of champagne that she felt confident enough to bring serve to the Queen. She reached to open it.

"Why did you invite yourself to dinner?" His voice boomed off the walls of the empty theater lobby, making Caroline jump a little.

"Are you continuing to follow me? Do you not have a single better thing to do than stalk my every move?" She turned to face him, not realizing how close he had been standing behind her, as she directly face his chest, imposing her space and stealing her breath. She regained her breath though now shaky staggered as she felt it bounce off the muscles of chest and back onto her own face. His adam apple, rough and just barely visible under supple skin, attracted her attention as her eyes drifted all the way up to meet his own impertinent stare.

"And yet you are the one inviting herself into _my_ family's home!" Anthony's eyes flickered with a firey rage she had seen but never directed at her personally.

"Did you not see my face when she told me? I was just as surprised as you!"

"Don't lie, Carrie. I know you. I know what you are trying to do." his tone was so imperious she had to sneer at his arrogance.

"What _I_ am trying to do? What are _you_ doing? What are you even doing _here_ , do you not have a Princess to attend to?" she practically spat the words back at Anthony. He moved closer to her in impulsive reaction forcing her to step back to the wall. The surface of the wall made Caroline shiver as the exposed skin of her upper back felt nearly sizzling in contrast to the icy wall.

"Why else would you be talking to Prince Telvie? I know how you take pleasure in vexing me." His jealousy enraged him bringing his face very close to hers scanning her eyes hungrily for confirmation of his conspiracy.

"I didn't even know he was a Prince when he invited me to his booth," her breath hitched as his eyes left hers, becoming distracted by her lips for a fleeting moment before continuing their fixed interrogation.

"Cut the bullshit, Carrie." His words were quiet but sharp and staccato. "I know you are just using the poor bastard, just like you did Colin."

"Colin? You are delusional Anthony! The only reason you believe I am even capable of such a thing is because it is exactly how _you_ behave. You are the one who uses people, Anthony not me." Whatever attempt at distance the two had tried to maintain both physical and in formality was obliterated in the solitude moment in the theater hallway.

"I never used you, Caroline, ever!" Anthony seethed his eyes refusing to break free from Caroline's as they still stood against the wall. Their bodies teasing their proximity, the edge of her skirt just barely brushing his pants leading up to their torsos mere centimeters apart. He had bent his tall posture ever so slightly to bring his face closer to Caroline's practically leaning over into her, an arm resting above her head against the wall.

She looked to the ground, uncomfortable by his answer that she could only assume was another manipulative lie. Caroline was exhausted with their charade. It had been only three days and it felt like a lifetime of turmoil, far more than she had ever wished to experience. Perhaps it was the shared history that made her feel so exasperated, as the past few days had only reminded her how imbalanced their relationship had been as children even as friends. She no longer wished to be submissive to his unyielding emotions and impulses. She would no longer forgive him and offer compassion when he did not deserve it. And most of all she would no longer allow him to get away with intimidating her whenever he did not get his way. She sucked her teeth mulling over the venomous words she wished to deliver, hoping they would be the final knife she desired them to be.

"Don't lie, remember?" She choked on the words for a quick second, before regaining her confidence. She still stared at the ground unable to face him, cowardly with her poison delivering it through lowered lashes in a hushed but violent tone. "If you are not using the Princess then why were you staring at me during the entire show? Why did you follow me all the way out here?" she raised her eyes to him as she increased the confidence in her voice. She stared him down decidedly, "You are pathetic Anthony Bridgerton." 

She paused a second letting herself watch his reaction. He remained stoic only dropping his facade in a second of shock before returning the fire to his eyes as they burned with rage. "You intend to torment that poor girl, just the way you did with me, just as you did with Siena–"

"You know nothing about Siena I suggest you shut your mouth, Caroline, or I'll–"

"Or you'll what?" she shifted her position beneath him against the wall, forcing her posture to be more imposing though he still towered over her. He had to remove his arm from the wall and back up slightly, but would not give willingly and back down from Caroline yet.

His gaze lingered again upon her lips, watching them quiver with each shallow breath she took; it is the only indication of her cowardice. Her chest heaving in anxiety nearly distracted his hedonism once again as his eyes danced upon her entire form assessing her uncertainty but getting preoccupied with the way her neck and collarbones so gracefully cascaded into each other, leaving tiny valleys along her shoulders that he longed to press his face against simply just to breath in their essence.

He forced the distractions from his mind, however, responding harshly instead of sentimentally, and simply laughing at the girl instead of entertaining their bickering any longer. Her surprise and near disappointment at his response were worth it, however. Caroline had felt so close to 'winning' despite not even knowing what that truly meant to her, but his response to laugh at her completely threw her guard off. It was like he was reminding her of the meek girl she had been, that she would always be to him, no matter how composed she attempted to remain. That no matter how well she tried to play his games she would never win.

"I will see you Wednesday then, Carrie," he said her nickname like an insult cracking a disrespectful smile as he pulled away from her still chuckling to himself at her puzzled face.

The loss of his presence startled her body making her shift awkwardly searching for support from the wall again. Her breath still rapid and shallow, angry and terrified she had been perceived as weak. Her fists tightened anguish, searching her brain for anything left to say, but she was left bewildered and unable to retort at his causal reaction to the harshest words she could think to say to him. Left heartbroken at how greatly their interactions affected her and barely seemed to bother him. She watched him go waltzing down the endless hallway until finally disappearing from view, furious at herself for continuing to care or even indulge in anything surrounding Anthony. Unwilling to allow him to catch her off guard again. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a/n: ughh the drama queens are back to fighting but now it's war 🙄 lol! I hope to be back to updating more often now that my exams are finished! Thank you so much for reading!


	12. part XI: aftershocks

__

_S_ _ongs:  
Maps-Yeah Yeah Yeahs  
Love Me Like Me That- The Knocks feat. Carly Rae Jepsen  
Blue Monday- Flunk_

******

He felt his skin crawl against the fabric of his shirt when she reached for his arm, thinking to step away. He couldn't get Caroline's words out of his mind. He had walked away from her so confidently, which quickly turned to sulking when he had disappeared from view and began to obsess over her spiteful designation. Was he really using the Princess? It certainly hadn't been his intention. His intention was to participate in the marriage market as was his responsibility but he couldn't stop questioning his own motives and it made him unable to look Nathalia directly in the eye as he escorted her to the carriages. 

A thousand stressful thoughts controlled his mind as he tried to make small talk. Thoughts beginning with would Nathalia be happy married to him? Then the uncomfortable reality that she was younger than Anthony had initially thought, something that made the idea of the presumptuous wedding night even more daunting and distressing. And lastly, was this all just a misguided and ill-disguised attempt to toy with Caroline? Was Anthony just lying to himself? To do such a thing would be so cruel and unforgivable, not to Caroline which clearly now held little regard in Anthony's mind, but to Nathalia. 

He tried to erase the anxieties from his mind telling himself that Caroline was exaggerating. After all, she had said Anthony had used her throughout their relationship which was just not true.

Not at all.

Right? He couldn't be certain. But his truth unequivocally stated everything he felt for Caroline had been pure love and though misguided being his first love while an already immature seventeen-year-old boy, he had never intended to hurt or manipulate her. And Caroline certainly knew nothing about his relationship with Siena. She didn't know that he had tried and desperately wanted to make it work, that to let her go was the hardest but compassionate thing to do. It had only proved to him how much he had truly loved Siena. For Caroline to bring her name up so ignorantly was uncalled for and only showed her bias towards him. She would never be able to see that him marrying Nathalia was an attempt to meet the expectations for a gentleman that his family– that the _ton_ had for him. An attempt at moving on from Caroline and finally becoming a better person.

Still, the self-reassurance was hollow. They had arrived at the carriages, Anthony's intent had been to escort Nathalia home. He was to take his carriage with the Prince, Lord Pembley, and Nathalia back to the palace where they were staying, and then return home. But he quickly amended the plan when he saw Caroline would likely join them as she waited for carriages with the Prince. They locked eyes for a brief second before immediately forcing their gazes forward. 

"Prince Telvie, allow me to offer my seat to Miss Kensington's lady's maid so that she may feel more comfortable on her escort home," he nodded politely to Mia who only glared at him for daring to mention her. 

"That is quite unnes–" Caroline had not even intended to be escorted home by Prince Telvie, she was waiting for Terrence and their carriage to arrive. 

"I insist," Anthony talked over Caroline directly at the Prince as if it wasn't a choice. 

"That is quite thoughtful of you Lord Bridgerton, Miss Kensington, Miss Dagton would you allow me the honor to escort you both to the Heathman manor?" The Prince offered his hand so kindly and perhaps it was because she knew when they touched it drove Anthony crazy or that he had remembered Mia's name after only learning it once, much more than she could say for Anthony who preferred to only address Mia by profession, that Caroline took the Prince's hand with a smile. She anticipated Anthony to react but he just smiled, wishing Nathalia goodbye as helped her up into the carriage. Caroline was the last to enter, while Anthony lurked behind her to close the carriage door. 

She could feel his breath tickle the nape of her neck infuriating her further, his presence annoyed every fiber of her body making it near impossible to not grimace when he came close to her. She could only half-smile through pursed lips to control the reflex. Her face hot, her heartbeat radiating up to her cheekbones, echoing in the hollows of her sinuses resulting in a fleeting lightheaded ache. 

He offered his hand but she ignored him instead reaching for Telvie's inside the carriage, reminding him that they were both moving on and this was a vital part of it. 

She was about to stumble on the first step when she reached for Prince Telvie and before she could even notice, Anthony noticed. He reacted instinctually. Placing his hand on her upper back right where her shoulder blades meet. The skin exposed just where his index and thumb landed. Causing her to gasp inaudibly. 

"Don't worry I've got you," he whispered. His fingers brushed lightly up her spine, radiating shock throughout her entire nervous system. With her on the step, they were at eye level, lips at last equal. Caroline noticed this, breathless the dry summer's night air forcing her to lick her lips, drawing Anthony's attention to them. 

He realized once again they were not alone snapping his eyes back to hers, "Good night Miss Kensington, please– watch where you step." It began as sweet and ended as condescending nearly threatening. Caroline gulped in reaction to the constant whiplash in tone Anthony exhibited. 

"Goodnight." the words were quiet, spoken with unwavering eye contact, direct and contemptuous but cracked against her throat as if they were nearly swallowed instead of spoken. She left the hand resting on the bare flesh between her shoulder blades not allowing anyone to see how she shuddered at the loss of sensation, even Anthony.

They had all had a conversation during the carriage ride home. Caroline knew that. She had even participated but by the time she made it to the Heathman manor, quickly said goodnight to Mia, and rushed to her room and flung herself on the bed in a frustrated mess, she had forgotten any of it. It was like her outward persona was on autopilot while her actual brain was fixated on remembering the sensation of his touch, every word no matter how obnoxious or infuriating. 

The way his rough but gentle fingers always took the liberty to reverberate along her skin whenever they got the opportunity to touch, even if it was just in the same place over and over. His fingers would _always_ fixate on the smallest spot, treating it as a precious opportunity, drawing the tiny discreet circles or lines across her skin. Innocent but forcing her to feel the rigid patterns of the contours and callouses of his hands created. Cruelly reminding her how she swore to memorize them six years ago. The fact she had succeeded and still haunting her memories. 

She was flushed and out of control but able to dictate such a familiar feeling and yet unwillingly to accept it. Her fingers almost reluctantly trailed across the skin of her collarbones bringing them softly to dance along the skin where her breast began, trailing her fingers down the curves into the cleavage of the dress, reaching beneath the material, even beneath the chemise. Her fingers warmed against the flushed skin, digging ever so slightly into the soft and pliable tissue. Any hesitation to indulge her hedonism faded, as her now confident fingers cupped her own breast in her hand squeezing ever so slightly as she pulled her grasp free trailing her finger delicately across her nipple. The response was mild but immediate only enforcing the uncontrollable feeling that flustered Caroline's entire body. 

The door knocked loudly pulling her from her arousal. She had reacted quickly pulling her hand from herself by the shock of the sound but still, she groaned at the interruption.

"Yes?"

"Do you need to be dressed for bed, Miss Kensington?" one of the lady's maids asked.

"Yes, thank you..." Caroline grumbled ignoring her current feeling and getting up from the bed and opening the door. 

******

Anthony had stayed behind at the Opera House still obsessing over Caroline's words. Sacrificing his carriage had not been an elaborate plan or feat of manipulation, in fact, if anything Anthony was kicking himself for encouraging their friendship. Praying that Caroline was not shredding his reputation to filth with Nathalia at that very moment. He hadn't even realized his mind was too preoccupied with proving Caroline wrong. He had to know, if only for himself if he had used Siena. Perhaps in a twisted hope to assure himself he had been capable of love and not the heartless bastard he felt like more and more every day. How unfair his demand for reassurance was to Siena oblivious in his blind and selfish rage fueled by insecurity. 

He entered the backstage door. The hallways were bustling still with cast members milling after the show. Some dressing in the hallways instead of the dressing rooms. One girl screamed as Anthony walked past her in her chemise, he adverted his eyes instead focusing on his path to Siena's dressing room. 

"You can't be back here," another voice yelled, but he pressed on refusing to listen. 

The only thing that did stop him in his tracks was a man. A man, dressed in a very similar tuxedo to Anthony, entering Siena's dressing room. He watched them speak, peeking behind the corner into the hallway of dressing rooms. He couldn't hear what they were saying but they were friendly, far too friendly for Anthony's taste. Having no right to be jealous yet feeling it still Anthony forced himself to look away, to actually walk away this time and not bother Siena again. He stood back pressed against the wall taking one last glance both in longing for Siena, or at least the love they had shared, and identifying the man. It was Lord Pembley, the Prince's best friend. 

To say it walking away was for Seina would've been a lie. A lie Anthony would convince himself of once again to avoid the truth. The truth that he did not wish to continue to embarrass himself further in front of his high-ranking peers. If pride and reputation hadn't controlled him at that moment his impulse would've been to grab Siena tell her how sorry he was and how much wanted her back. The harsh self-awareness that perhaps he was not the compassionate, gentlemanly, and progressive man he portrayed and assumed he was remaining repressed for yet another day. 

He strolled the empty and dimly lit streets, on his way to his club hoping Simon, or Benedict, even Colin despite everything. Literally, anyone who would drink with him and help him drown his spirits. Siena had moved on to Lord Pembley and Caroline to Prince Telvie, and they were both better off without him in their lives pestering them. He was better off leaving them both behind.

******

Caroline had struggled to get the sensation of his touch out of her mind and intensely angry at herself for it. She lay in bed unable to shake the reveries of his hands from her body and mind; reveries both past and present. It had been so long, far too long since Caroline had been touched by a man the way Anthony used to touch her and his presence only reminded her of that. Infuriating her with frustration, even at his most innocent touch. She stared up at the ceiling unsure if she would cry or scream, perhaps a mixture of both. She closed her eyes and rubbing them furiously with her palms, dragging them down to her neck in an attempt to self-soothe.

She took a deep and cautious breath. Her hands resting on her chest slowly traveling down her body, feeling the delicate detailing of the nightgown. Her hands traveled further beneath the blanket pulling it free from her. She reached beneath her nightgown pulling it up gingerly. Her fingers dangled anxiously along her own thighs as if it was unfamiliar. The act itself wasn't exactly foreign to her, but she wasn't necessarily comfortable in her Heathman manor guest room, unsure if she could truly trust the curtains or locks. 

But she kept going, indulging the long-overdue desire she had ignored for so long. Fingers lingering up her thighs until reaching between her legs. Already wet and inviting. Her head pressed into the pillows at the sensation of her fingers dragging across the sensitive inner folds. Mumbling whispered moans stifled by secrecy. It was far too good to quit now though and any shame or anxiety receded as her brain could only focus on the pleasure her own fingers possessed. 

She thought of him. Thinking she would hate herself for it but her brain didn't register that in her blind lust. The weak consciousness of her mind did only permit her to think of memories of the past of when he was kind to her. The sweet sensual kisses he would place over her entire body leading all the way down to where her fingers now simulated his tongue. Her breathing became even more haggard as she continued, the building passion within her forcing gasps from her lips. Her entire face flexed as if she was about to sob, forcing a whispered moan from her agape mouth. 

Her other hand traveled further pulling up her nightdress even further, exposing a breast. She grabbed it, cupping it against her palm letting her nipple press against it. Feeling the tender but pulling sensation as she rubbed her fingers back and forth along the sensitive flesh. Her brain was running wild now unable to contain her thoughts. She shamefully thought of Anthony tonight, well it would be shameful if she could process it. Instead, her mind was racing reminding her of how close he was to her tonight. How close their bodies were to touching, fantasies reverberating _'What if's'_ in her mind.

Hypotheticals of her worst nightmares and deepest desires, that Anthony would have grabbed her by the thighs pulling her up into him and throwing her up against the wall of the Opera House hallway. Taking his anger out in passion instead of cruelty and walking away from her. She could picture it so clearly. 

His hands up her skirt grasping her upper thighs, supporting her just above her stockings digging into the soft flesh. His body pushing her up into the wall allowing her to lean down and kiss him. Her legs would wrap around him and she could take out her anger in her own form of dominance. Grinding her hips against him and controlling when he could kiss her when he could be near her, at last, advantaged by her position above him. 

Advantage that was still vulnerable to his will, however, entirely based on his own support of her. That wasn't what concerned her, however, any taste of power in presence of Anthony was too sweet, regardless of critical analysis. She would take what she could get. 

The unrelenting lust making her whole body ache did concern her as it still continued to build from between her legs and radiated through her entire body. The taste of relief on the tip of her tongue, and unwillingly to police her intrusive fantasies until she reached satisfaction. 

His body pressed so hard against her and the wall, supporting her entirely. He broke one hand free from her thigh taking it up to her face cupping it sweetly but also diminishing the control she had over when their lips would meet. God, even in her fantasies he was competitive but of course, so was she. And she refused to follow the guide of his hand, he quickly realized this caressing his hand, placing it calmly over her throat. 

The motion would've shocked her, but he did not threaten her in any way. His fingers dancing lightly along the curves of skin where her thyroid and trachea laid beneath leaving tiny rough bumps of tissue only visible through the sensation of touch. It was a familiar sensation to Caroline as Anthony had always loved playing along the contours of her neck and collarbones with his wandering fingers. Reverberating his touch through tiny circles in his signature manner. The long craved sensation causing her to throw her head back and him to kiss the trails his fingers had just wandered. 

He broke away, leaving Caroline breathless desperate for more. She opened her eyes, just as his lips crashed into her once again pushing her head back against the wall and forcing her eyes to close. But not before she caught a glimpse of his face. For it was no longer Anthony kissing her in her fantasy– it was Sebastian...

Her legs began to shake ever so slightly as her fingers were forced to break free when the trembling skin between her legs became far too sensitive to continue on. She panted, lying back lazily onto her pillow letting the feelings of her small but powerful orgasm overtake her. It left her bewildered, motionless, staring at the ceiling. It had been far too long since she'd actually had an orgasm or indulged in any fantasies, and maybe that was because after the fantasy was over, all she was left with was more confusion and heartbreak. 

'Why on earth would I _ever_ think of Sebastian in that way? Bash?' she thought as she bumbled fixing her nightclothes and bedsheets. 'The snot-nosed kid that pulled my hair or scared me with frogs?' Her best friend all of childhood, even before Anthony. Bash had never acted as anything more than a friend and confidant. Perhaps flirting occasionally but she could never tell with Sebastian. He was good-natured and nice to everyone, gave compliments away with ease, and overall grew up to be quite the gentleman despite never being deemed one officially by society. Caroline justified the thoughts as mere intrusions of her subconscious reminding her how much she missed Sebastian. After all Anthony only reminded her of him.

Not in nature but the past and of home. Caroline suddenly felt incredibly guilty at how little time she had spent missing Sebastian in the past three hectic days. She wondered if he was missing her too, knowing he was; probably a lot. Any arousal was gone as quickly as it came, like a faint dream, a much-needed release Caroline would not unpack or revisit.

Instead, she lit the candle beside her bed. Washed her hands and face in the washbasin then walked to the writing desk prepared to write Sebastian finally having a free moment despite being far past midnight.

_My Dear Sebastian,_

_How do I even begin? I feel as though I have drafted this letter a thousand times over ever since I last saw your face. The fear I felt, the fear I saw in your eyes, has not left me and any moment I have alone, which I fear is very little, I see your face reminding me that I may never see you again. Grosvenor Square is unlike anything I have experienced, and yet everything I see reminds me of you. Every overdressed and fussing noble or fantastically expensive hedge sculpture I see brings witty quips to my mind and for almost a few minutes I forget that I cannot just run to you and bounce them off you again. Knowing you and I would have the best time here mocking strangers in secret as we watch them go by._

_I fear that I have broken the promise I made to you and myself. The promise that I would never speak to Anthony Bridgerton again. Unfortunately, he has made it near impossible despite my best efforts–_

Caroline crumpled another letter up adding it to a pile of other scrapped drafts. Every letter she started to Sebastian felt distant and unnatural, and to make matters worst she did not know if telling Sebastian about Anthony was wise.

However, Sebastian could be just as rash as Anthony, though Bash was far better at controlling himself. The two had often butted heads as children but were great friends as kids. In fact, Sebastian was the only reason Caroline even knew Anthony. But the differences between the two men became too jarring as they grew up and by the time they were teenagers, they no longer spoke or even acknowledged ever knowing each other.

Though neither had admitted it, Caroline felt the loss of each other's friendship must have hurt them the same way it had hurt her. She could no longer talk to her two best friends about each other because she could never predict the reaction of either boy. It ranged from evasive or solemn to bitter and cruel, and after too many attempts to trying and understand why none of them could be friends anymore Caroline had given up. The questions she asked were only met with more and more anger towards her to the point where Anthony had snapped at her one day that she was never to mention his name to her again, and though it deeply hurt her she did because she loved him. A lot.

Sebastian, however, had never done such a thing. In fact, Caroline could not recall a time Sebastian had ever demanded she do anything. Although he did not wish to dwell on his former friendship with Anthony Bridgerton he had been one of the few people there for her when Anthony left at the end of each summer, and the only one there for her when Anthony never returned to her or her letters. And she couldn't pinpoint if she did not want to mention Anthony in fear of upsetting Sebastian or if the fact that she was still insecure about her own strength simply because she needed Sebastian in order to heal from Anthony. Any mention of him may convince him that she was still that needy starry-eyed teenager who was heartbroken over Anthony for two years straight. 

The candle lighting her letter-writing dripped onto the desk reminding her it was indeed time for bed as it had to be early tomorrow already, three in the morning or something like that. And today would only involve more of the same dreaded poking, prodding, and courting. Perhaps in few hours of sleep, her mind would be clearer but right now it was far too hazy with thoughts of Sebastian that Caroline had never experienced before. She sauntered to the windowsill with her candle taking one last look over the darkened square. Somehow less ominous in the still darkness, illuminated only with moonlight and dim street lamps, than during the bustling sunny days. 

She stood still, candlelight illuminating her face examining the stillness of the trees, evaluating the lucrativeness of the fountains that remained operating 24 hours a day cycling pristine crystal water while people in four villages over went to war over access to clean water. Reminding her that every inch of beauty in this square came at a price. 

Her eyes became distracted as a figure emerged from down the empty and dimly lit street. Meandering in his abhorrent and clear drunkenness home. She rolled her eyes but with a good-natured laugh, remembering of the few times she was actually permitted to be that knackered before she came the square.

The man straightened up though as if he knew he was being watched though he'd have no way of seeing her. And as he got closer she realized the drunk man was in fact, Anthony. He did not notice her, not yet. She watched him walking towards his home, stopping as he passed the Heathman manor. It was then that he saw her noticing the flicker of candlelight first before registering it was indeed Caroline. Her sympathy for the drunk stranger had faded the second she registered it was him. Replaced entirely with judgment, 'how truly pathetic,' she thought to herself. His facade of stoicism and cruelty completely gone as he just stared up her window as if he was begging her to invite him in. 

She swallowed the blush that overcame her entire body as the sight of his face instantly reminded her that she had just orgasmed over the mere fantasy of him. Perhaps she was just pathetic as he was, she wondered. But no longer she told herself. Replacing the flush with a scornful grimace reminding him of how little she thought of him before blowing out the candle, leaving him staring at complete darkness. 


	13. part XII: dinner is served

_Songs:  
Nobody Asked Me if I Was Okay- Sky Ferreira  
It's Not Living (If It's Not With You)- The 1975  
Easy- Troye Sivan, Kacey Musgraves, and Mark Ronson  
_ _Easier (Live from the Vault)- 5 Seconds of Summer  
Perfect Crime-Tinashe  
Drew Barrymore-SZA_

****** _  
_

Caroline had sent out two letters by Wednesday morning. One to her father and mother lying to them that everything was perfect and she couldn't be happier. Reminding them how grateful she was for her opportunity in the _ton._ Perhaps her father would see through it but her mother never would. The second was more truthful and sent to Sebastian, though she still omitted the truth that Anthony had reentered her life. It mainly consisted of reassurance that she was still alive though miserable, and wished desperately she could see him again. 

The last letter, not quite sent, was to Patrick and within the pages, she spilled everything. She told him how Anthony was there, that he refused to leave her alone, and that now both their families' reputations were at stake. The entire thesis being: we _cannot_ trust Anthony Bridgerton and get me the hell out here!

She hoped her deliberate begging would convince him to rescue her, and he would protect her, like a big brother ought to, and take the fall for their parents. All she knew at this point she would not be able to through the marriage season alone. 

Although it did not have to be that way. She did wonder if Mia would be able to understand. She could certainly understand Anthony being a total ass and perhaps feeling a bit out of place in Grosvenor square high society. But Caroline wondered if her complaining about the privilege to marry out of her status and stay in such a beautiful home, be dressed in so many beautiful things would only confirm she was the spoiled brat she feared. The two were casually silent watching the ducks in the lake swim by, little ducklings following behind mama learning to weave among the emerald reeves of the lake. 

Mia however broke the silence between the two. Clearing her throat, "Carrie," finally addressing Caroline how she asked her to from the start, after the five days they had spent bonding together. "Do you want to finally tell me what is going on between you and the Viscount?"

"So you noticed..." Caroline rolled her neck in discomfort, fingers over temples shamefully hiding her blushing face.

"I think everyone with eyes has noticed," Mia said with a sympathetic laugh.

"I know! But it is by far easier to just continue to pretend this is not happening to me instead," Caroline teased as she laid back into the grass feeling the rustling sensation of the grass cooling her sun-drenched skin. 

"And I've let you do it all week, I know it isn't working."

Mia was right Caroline had spent the past three days exerting all her energy avoiding Anthony, the subject of him, or even the very thought of him. It had been a near-impossible task but successful despite a short burst of tears when she wrote Patrick even just vaguely describing the situation.

Caroline let out a deep breath shielding her eyes from the sun as she watched the large fluffy cloud float by; pure white tufts of wool, just like the wool she sheered off her father's sheep every time this season. If she were home right now she and William would have likely spent all morning sheering sheep then washed up and eaten the cherries straight off the trees while relaxing in the cool shade of the nearby woodland creek. The only positive thing Anthony had done since her arrival was completely distract her from homesickness and now she was truly aware of it. Realizing how much she did not fit in Grosvenor square nor did she particularly wish to. 

"Do you ever miss your family, Mia?" Caroline propped herself on her elbows. Caroline hardly registered how intrusive the question may have been for Mia. She had only ever told Caroline they lived in the next village over. 

"I did, for a really long time. And I still do but I learned to remember I am here doing the right thing, what they need from me. Back home I have ten other siblings, it was really hard for a long time. It's still hard for them sometimes so if I can be here fed and boarded that's heaven compared. And Lady Heathman even pays me so I can send home a little each month!" Mia was uncharacteristically whistful running her fingers along the tips of the grass. 

"I'm so sorry, Mia... Perhaps I shouldn't have pryed–"

"No, Carrie stop! No one asks... Sometimes it's nice to be asked such questions, even if they are hard to answer." Mia smiled placing her hand over Caroline's, before tracing the ground with eyes. 

"You know I only ask because I miss my family so much," Caroline's voice cracked like she was about to cry. 

"I know," Mia bit her lip signaling she felt the same way. 

"Did you always know coming to Grosvenor square was the best choice?" Caroline exhaled the words with a shaky breath. 

"Heavens no! But I was nearly convinced after my first full meal," Mia laughed. Caroline would've returned with more than the half-smile had the statement not reminded her how much her life had changed just from being in the _ton_ and how her family's life would change once she married. To squander up such an opportunity would be selfish, but most of all it was not a choice for her to make. Mia saw the doubt in Caroline's eyes, offering one last effort of reassurance, "You will grow accustomed to it all."

"I know but I will fear that I will never feel as grateful as I ought to be," the words were heavy on her tongue, thick with worry about her future. "I just wish I could know if I would end up happy..."

"You may never truly meet the expectations you had for yourself, no, but sometimes it can be enough to just be content. At the end of the day, women like us have a duty to our families. My happiness is secondary to that, and I've found it in places," Mia's lips changed from smiling to pursed as a sadness overtook her eyes, before slowly fading behind a new smile one that was solely reassuring to Mia herself. "Having you as my new mistress has been a highlight," she said in a shy tone as if she was unsure how Caroline felt. 

"Having you here has been one of the few moments of happiness I've found too," Caroline grabbed Mia surprising her by pulling her into a hug from their seated position. Mia nearly struggled in shock but accepted realizing how much she geuinely needed the comfort as well. The two girls lost balance falling back into the grass, once again enjoying the sunshine rays directly on their faces. It was finally a brief moment of peace. 

"Okay wait– but you still haven't told me what is going on between you and Lord Bridgerton!" Mia protested before both girls burst out into a chorus of giggles lying beneath the sun. 

"Fine, but this is not gossip, okay? I do not want to read this in Lady Whistledown. It could ruin everyone's life."

Mia's eye grew wide, "Okay," she gulped bringing her face closer to Caroline's to hear her secret.

Caroline began to explain, finally for the first time ever telling someone everything. Even the parts she had left out from Sebastian. Caroline had spent the past few years bottling practically everything up, assuming not speaking on it would allow her to forget. Swallowing the pain Anthony caused had only attached him to her deeper than she could have ever anticipated or understood. Finally speaking on it felt like she was releasing those parts of herself that she had inadvertently tethered to Anthony. 

By the time she was done explaining Caroline was crying, and Mia was nodding intently with a face of reassurance but eyes full of horror. She had not realized how intensely complex their history was. 

"Lord Bridgerton... broke off an engagement...?" she was still shocked trying to comprehend it all.

"I'd hardly call it 'breaking it off' he gave me no warning. I had no idea if he was alive or dead... I just wanted some answers."

"Of course."

"And then after all this time, after everything all he does is toy with me or publicly humiliate me. I cannot stand him, and I certainly cannot suffer through dinner tonight in front of his entire family. He is far too unpredictable." 

"You really think he would try something in front of his entire family?"

"Honestly, I have no idea. I at one point believed I knew him better than anyone, but now I'm not sure if I ever truly knew Anthony." Caroline looked back at the sky most of the fluffy white clouds had dispersed leaving only small flurries few and far between. 

The girls spent another hour talking, which primarily included Mia reassuring Caroline that things would work themselves out and Caroline bouncing of ideas on how to make small talk with the Bridgerton family. After a while, though there were more quips and talk of family or hobbies, and as they walked home neither of them bothered to mention Anthony Bridgerton again. 

Caroline took the letter she wrote to Patrick from her bedside table. She held it in her hands assessing the consequences that would await her and her family were she to leave Grovenor square, and the consequences that would await should she stay. She took a deep breath making her choice by shoving the letter into the back of the writing desk. Mia was right her happiness was second to her family's prosperity and it was time to grow up and accept her fate. 

******

It was silent as the two women waited outside the large emerald door to the Bridgerton Manor. All that remained were the very last echoes of the gold door handle that reverberated against the thick wood catalyzing awkwardness between the two. 

"Fix your dress," Lady Heathman said coldly. She stared down at Caroline's semi-exposed shoulder as the white satin sleeve had shifted only a few centimeters. Caroline adjusted it to the inconsequentially correct placement, hiding her frustrated sneer at the ground. 

Every excuse for why they could not attend dinner at the Bridgerton family home Lady Heathman had evaded. Caroline pleaded with Lady Heathman reminding her of all the gossip that her and Anthony's interactions had created. "And yet somehow, it seems to have only helped your chances..." was all she said before returning to fixing her makeup. 

Caroline could hardly argue with her on that. The convoluted and speculating gossip of her and Anthony, whatever people believed it was, had increased the amount of visiting gentlemen callers tenfold. Well, it had gone from zero suitors to at least seven. Naturally, in the _ton,_ where everything revolved around having the best, no woman was desirable until she was seen as desirable by a man the other high-status men found desirable. Not only had Prince Telvie and Lord Pembley had given her their attention, but other suitors had begun visiting the Heathman manor bringing flowers and gifts over the past few days since the opera.

The door to the Bridgerton manor opened revealing a very frilly butler in blue satin. He smiled welcoming them into the foyer. Caroline exhaled as she entered, lips and hands shaking with anticipation. 

"Welcome! Welcome! We are so excited to have you both," Violet Bridgerton beamed as she rushed from the drawing-room to greet them. The Bridgerton children meandered in, the two younger children sprinting to meet Caroline for the first actual time. She hadn't seen Hyacinth or Gregory since they were toddlers. "Miss Kensington! Do you remember me? I do not remember you! I am Hyacinth Bridgerton!" Hyacinth was very matter-of-fact as she greeted Caroline, hands on hips.

"Of course I remember you, Hyacinth," Caroline giggled before the girl surprised Caroline with a hug, that she happily returned. 

Gregory was shy at first hiding behind his younger sister before timidly extending a hand to shake Caroline's, "Nice to make your acquaintance, Miss Kensington." Caroline smiled as she took his hand.

He was watching her catching the only glimpse of a genuine smile he had seen from her so far. Finally revealing the dimple on her left cheek. It stopped him in place for a second before collecting himself. Her smile had been a practical obsession for him, for so long even after he left. After six years, the confrontation was torture as he repressed every impulse to reach for her face, hold her by the chin, and place his lips upon her dimple once again. He balled his right hand into a fist before stretching every muscle in his fingers out in attempted distraction. 

She could feel Anthony's eyes on her without looking. They made her blush reminding her if only for a fleeting moment of intimate moments they had shared both in public and private at the opera. The intimate fantasies she had conjured in an attempt to purge him from her system to never be reminded of again. A successful endeavor until now.

"Daphne, my goodness look at you!" Caroline awkwardly reached for Daphne unsure if they would hug or shake hands. She had been thirteen when she last saw her and now she was married and pregnant! Daphne gently pulled Caroline into an embrace. 

"It is so good to see you again, Caroline!" she replied muffled into Caroline's hair. She pulled away gesturing to the tall, dark, and handsome man beside her, "This is my husband, Simon, The Duke of Hastings!"

"Oh my that is right, you are Duchess now! Oh, so good to meet you, Duke Hastings! Congratulations, a thousand blessings to you both! I am happy for you!" Caroline beamed at Daphne and the Duke revealing her dimple once again, making Anthony suddenly become fascinated with his fingernails. 

"Please do not think you can stop calling Daphne though, who knows perhaps we are to be family?" 

Caroline choked on a laugh or perhaps it was a gasp she was unsure far too shocked by the utter horror and preposterousness of it all.

"Have you just become meddlesome with marriage or were you always this conniving," Anthony snapped from the far end of the foyer, his eyes rich with venom. 

"Anthony..." both Caroline and Simon scolded at the same time, glancing at each other perplexed before returning sternly to Anthony.

"What? You don't know I meant you?" Daphne smiled back at Anthony innocently the same face she had made since childhood whenever she knew she was in trouble and could still easily wriggle her way out of it.

Anthony was speechless as was everyone else as they awaited his response. He only narrowed his eyes into a darkened glare, "Miss Kensington," he nodded. "It is a pleasure to see you again," it felt like an obvious lie from his lips as he did not step towards her from his stoic position across the foyer. 

"You as well, Lord Bridgerton!" she replied with a flat toothless smile. 

They stared at each other wordlessly, him smirking and her analyzing his facade.

Benedict broke the silence stepping between them, half reintroducing himself, "Miss Kensington–"

"Oh please call me, Caroline! If I may call you, Benedict?" she asked him as he took her hand and gave it a kiss. Anthony silently scoffed. 

"Of course, Caroline, I'm glad you haven't changed too much," he smiled at her as if he was remembering one of the many memories the two had playing with Anthony and Colin as children.

"Colin it is _so_ nice to see you again! I missed you!" she cried rushing to greet him stopping herself before realizing she should likely not hug him. He grabbed her hand instead, spinning her around as if they were dancing once again.

"You as well Ms. Kensington, I had a wonderful time dancing with you at the Danbury ball, I hope we will have a reprise this weekend," Colin replied his charm causing Caroline's cheeks to flush.

Anthony's eyes flickered aflame with embers of anger, his upper lip twitching begging to react in disgust. But Caroline didn't care to notice, though Daphne and Violet did exchanging looks. 

"Can you two stop it?" Eloise cried, bringing herself forward to hug Caroline shocking her again. She had almost forgotten how close she had been with the entire Bridgerton family six years ago. At one point truly believing she would be one of them as well. "Will you please come over tomorrow for tea?" Eloise asked sweetly, putting Caroline on the spot.

"Uhh–" Caroline stumbled to find words, not wanting to commit to another audience with Anthony Bridgerton while still hoping to build a true relationship with Eloise. 

"Please, Caroline! I beg of you! Anthony will not even be here!"

"Why would you–" Caroline began to speak before she realized that nearly everyone was stifling a slight giggle at her denial. "Fine. Of course, Eloise I would love to!" Caroline smiled, hopeful to make another genuine friend. She and Eloise had never had the opportunity to become true friends beyond a big sister type role. It would be nice to explore a friendship as two young women.

"Ahem! Shall we begin dinner?" Violet interrupted her children as if she had not been paying any attention to the tense conversation. 

They all sauntered to the dining room, Anthony trailing behind them all leering his eyes at Caroline. She could feel them burn her at the back of her neck. She took her seat between Eloise and Colin. She was in the middle of the table slightly closer to Violet at the head. Anthony was seated at the other head of the table a younger Bridgerton sibling on either side. Lady Heathman was on the other side of the table next to Violet and Benedict. Simon and Daphne next to Benedict. 

"How is Francessca enjoying her time in Bath?" Lady Heathman asked Violet. 

"Oh, she is quite enjoying it, truly a beautiful city," Violet replied. "How are enjoying your time in Grosvenor square, Caroline?" Violet asked. 

Caroline opened her mouth, though she only exhaled, unsure how to respond. "It is unlike anything I ever experienced in my life," she replied once she found the words. "Please do not mistake my apprehension for ungratefulness, Lady Heathman! I am so thankful for your generous hospitality, though I do wonder if I am worthy of it. I fear I do not exactly fit in here..." Caroline played with the napkin in her lap. 

"Nonsense!" Violet clapped her hands. "No one has ever uttered such a thing. We so happy that you are here."

"Yes, of course," Lady Heathman echoed only slightly less enthusiastic. 

Caroline glanced along the table at the reassuring faces of the Bridgerton family, except the younger children who were distracted by their own conversation. Caroline did not wish to meet Anthony's gaze but she could see his face in her peripheral: his deep brown eyes soulful, brow furrowed, lips loosely pursed in disappointment, as if he was deep in thought. 

Caroline licked her lips anxious where the conversation would steer next. She flipped her hair behind her shoulder as she shifted her gaze to the opposite end of the table away from Anthony, thankful he had mostly kept his unpredictable temper in check. Though she still despised the way he looked at her. Eyes unrelenting and nearly stern as they intently tracked even her smallest movements or quirks. 

Caroline cleared her throat, "Colin, I hear you just got back from a tour around Europe? Where did you go?"

"I started in Greece and spent most of my time sailing around the Mediterranean, it was absolutely beautiful!"

"I can't even imagine, what an amazing experience! I hear you can see to the very bottom of the sea there!"

"Only in parts," Colin chuckled. "Although it feels like that at times, the water there is so blue, so clear. It's stunning, everyone should have the opportunity to see such a thing." 

Caroline smiled politely pretending such a thing was possible for her, despite knowing that would only be possible if her future husband wished her to experience it. Everything from here on out would be that way and perhaps it could give her opportunities she'd never have otherwise, but she would never truly have her freedom. Not in the same way as before.

Hyacinth and Gregory yelped from across the table, causing Violet to flash Anthony a look translating to handle it. Gregory kicked Hyacinth under the table. 

"Ow!!" she yelled in reaction echoing across the room, making the whole table giggle. 

Anthony gave them both a stern but relenting look, unable to truly keep straight face disciplining his siblings. "Behave," he stifled his laugh the words coming out almost musically. 

"She started it!" Gregory cried out.

"And you must be the one to end it, Gregory," Anthony replied unwavering to his brother's pleas. Gregory folded his arms sinking back into his chair. 

Caroline tried to hide her instinctive gaze towards Anthony, fighting the corners of her mouth that desperately wished to smile at the way he reluctantly disciplined his siblings, attempting to take over as the man of the house.

The first course was served, some a snow pea and potato soup. A familiar dish that pleased Caroline as the food of the _ton_ had been slightly unappealing and incredibly different to the usual meals she had back home. 

"How long until you believe you are due, Daphne?" Caroline asked.

"Oh about four more months they say," Daphne replied tapping her finger lightly along her belly. 

"How exciting! Do you plan to stay in the square after the little one is born?"

"Perhaps we have not decided. Certainly for a while. I wish to remain here obviously with my family. Simon would enjoy returning to Clyvedon though. Says the _ton_ is no place to raise a child. However, I tend to disagree considering I was raised here as well as my entire family," she crossed her arms indignantly turning to Simon with an annoyed expression. 

"Oh–" Caroline began.

"I did not say that! I just think the countryside is more peaceful for everyone, including you, darling! There is no petty gossip to bother oneself with, just fresh air and plenty of space for our young tike to play. Personally sounds like heaven to me," Simon replied attempting to charm Daphne with his soothing tone and resting his arm around her but she was having none of it, keeping her arms folded. "Would you not agree growing up in the countryside has many benefits especially for young children?" Simon turned to Caroline. She took another spoonful of soup unsure what to say not particularly wishing to get involved on such a personal decision. 

"I mean... Um yes, I can see your point–" Caroline began. 

"Yes exactly see!"

"But I can also see the advantage of being around one's family, especially one's grandmother," Caroline finished her thought. 

"I'm sure you could balance both! We spent so much time in the country together, practically every summer at our country house while all of you were growing up. Why, of course, you remember, Caroline. But it is marvelous! Oh, we must visit soon the last time we were all up there together was, goodness practically two years ago!" Violet chimed in on the conversation. However, her casual word revealed far more than she could have realized.

"All together...?" Caroline was meek when she asked the question no one but Anthony heard and she feared she already knew the answer to. Anthony had visited his country house, he had been walking distance from her home and never bothered to visit or offer an explanation for the past six years. She bit the inside of both her cheeks before stealing a glance at Anthony who was already staring through into the obvious hollowness building inside her. She swallowed her impending tears her lips quivering as she released her teeth from their tension against her cheeks. Anthony noticed this reacting uncomfortably shifting within his seat and suit jacket. His own lips fraught with tension eyes vacant yet filled with guilt. 

"Exactly, Simon." The conversation pivoted back to the subject, Daphne. "Especially after my father I want our children to be around their extended family as much as possible," Daphne put her hand on Simon's opening back up her body language.

Simon smiled at Daphne in reassurance, "We will, my darling. I will ensure it." The argument appeared practically resolved and at the family dinner table no less. They seemed like quite the dynamic but strong couple, different in many ways but similar in values and goals. 

Caroline adjusted her dress skirt uncomfortably trying to listen to the end of the conversation while purposefully attempting to free her mind from the contemptuous and apparent snub Anthony had committed by not even bothering to see her when he last visited, to at least provide an explanation. It only added to the many horrible, unforgivable things he had done. All she did hear over the deafening sounds of her own anxieties was Daphne referring to her father, the late Viscount Bridgerton. 

"I do hate to bring up such sadness at a happy occasion, but my mother did make me promise I would deliver along our deepest condolences, from me and my family. We were so heartbroken to hear of the late Viscount's passing. I am so incredibly sorry!" Caroline said once a free moment came after the soup course had been cleared before the main course was delivered. 

Caroline's eyes were filled with genuine sadness and compassion as she spoke to Violet. However, Anthony did not see this. The very mention of his father created a building panic within him. His fingers bounced along his knees nervously as he swallowed his grief and sadness and replaced it with anger towards Caroline for daring to bring it up.

"Yes. Why would you bring up such sadness at a happy occasion?" Anthony was quizzical yet volatile every head at the table turned to Anthony and then back to Caroline awaiting her response. 

Simon briefly rubbed the space into between his brows in frustration, mumbling very quietly something that sounded like, "Here we fucking start..." Daphne shot him a warning look that accompanied a hidden giggle. 

Caroline, however, was stunned her face tingled as it became hot a red with embarrassment. Her eyes wide, only staring at the roast beef as it was served to her, scared if she were to look away the developing tears would sting her cheeks instead of her eyes. 

"Thank you for such kind condolences! It really does mean a lot. I know how much the Viscount loved you and your family," Violet nodded to Caroline saving her from the hostile environment Anthony quickly created. Anthony shrank within his chair at the mention of Caroline's family.

"How is your family doing, Caroline?" Violet asked. 

"Oh they are quite wonderful, I suppose!" Caroline suppressed all her incoming emotions welcoming Violet's distraction. "Patrick has finally come home from fighting in the war, and we are overjoyed to have him safely returned. André is an apprentice to a spice merchant, hopefully, he will get to travel in his trade," she gestured to Colin referencing his earlier statement. "And William, well he's only fifteen but my dear friend Sebastian has been helping him learn blacksmithing, he is to start an apprenticeship with him in the next few months."

Anthony scoffed at the mention of Sebastian's name earning glares from Violet and Caroline. "Please excuse his rudeness, Miss Kensington. Continue."

"Thank you. My father recently got a contract making wine for the Queen. It has helped our family tremendously."

"And then of course an advantageous marriage would only add to that," the words tumbled from Anthony's lips with almost immediate regret though his face did not show this, remaining unemotional. 

"Anthony!" Violet snapped her neck to face her son disappointment covering her entire face. 

"Do not speak to Miss Kensington that way, brother!" Colin shot him a confused but angry look, unsure why his brother was behaving so poorly.

Anthony pushed his chair behind him as he stood up. "Miss Kensington is perfectly capable of speaking up for herself, _brother._ " His voice was disdainful and jealous nearly making Colin cower before he remembered they were not children anymore, therefore Anthony was no longer the supreme authority on such things, especially when he was behaving this immaturely. 

"She is more than capable and I am telling you, as your brother, to compose yourself. Do not speak to any lady, especially _my friend_ that way. Were you not just scolding Gregory for a similar offense and yet you set this example?" Coline had stood from his seat as well, nearly matching Anthony in height. 

Anthony's face was plastered with a speechless embarrassed sneer that peered back and forth between Caroline and Colin. Although she was unwilling to look back at him. 

Though extremely touched by Colin's quick and robust defense of her honor, Anthony's words had finally done their jobs and pushed her over the edge and she was now silently crying at the dinner table unable to speak or look at anyone or anything but her shoes. The purple gemstone embellishments blurring through her developing tears. 

He had no retort. He had nothing to say for himself. All he could do was what he wanted to do from the start: retreat back to his study. "I didn't even want to go to this... I told her and look what happened..." he mumbled under his breath as he left the silent dining room to the safety of his study. 

The room was very quiet, and Caroline hated it as now everyone could hear her desperately trying to sniff away the tears inconspicuously. 

"Are you okay?" Colin asked her quietly as he sat back down beside her. His voice, steady as if he understood her precariousness.

"I– I'm fine," she was noticeably far from it as she stumbled over her words. "I just need to freshen up. Could you please point me to your powder room?" Caroline would've looked to the sea of sympathetic faces as she stood up but she couldn't let any tears fall with even the slightest movement or change in gravity. 

"Of course just down there, please take your time. I– I am so sorry..." Violet was utterly speechless as was most of the Bridgerton family. Once she left though they erupted into hushed whispers analyzing Anthony's strange behavior, Colin and Simon remaining silent.

The entire walk down the hall she cried, it was silent but somehow still throaty and overpowering. However, her sniffles did echo off the walls, entering Anthony's study as she passed. 

"Caroline wait!" Anthony called after her. She turned, her face shocking him. Her blue eyes her bloodshot, red, and puffy. Tears along her face disrupted the pattern of rogue that had been replaced by a natural bloodshot humiliated and angry flush. Mascara transferring along the corners of her eyes and just underneath her lower lashes. Her nose red as she rubbed her glove against her nose and eyes hoping to hide the obvious tears she could not stop from falling.

"What!? What more could you possibly need from me Lord Bridgerton?" she shouted back at him, loud enough to startle him but hopefully not loud enough that his family could hear in the other room. 

"Stop yelling, come here." He pulled her arm into the study. 

"Let go of me, you monster!" she yelped, though she did oblige into the study with far too little resistance than she would've liked.

"Is that what you really think of me?" he asked once they were inside. "You think so low of the person you once pulled your body–"

"Don't. finish. that sentence." She glowered at him teeth barred as if it was a threat.

"Why? Are you scared I might say something you don't like?" his eyebrow cocked as she focused her glare harder, not allowing him to distract her as he had before. "Or is it that I may say something you do like... something you _love_ so much you can't even deny it to yourself?"

Caroline did not break eye contact but she did react with a sharp inhale through the nose that nearly shook her whole body from within vibrating her nostrils, lips, and hands with it; truly clearing out her sadness and remorse. She was no longer upset, she was furious at the blatant disrespect Anthony continuously showed her. 

"You think that this childish bullshit turns me on don't you? That this is _attractive_? You are pathetic, I said before. I _will_ say it again. I can think of no better word for a man like you." She looked him up and down the sneer of disgust that would've made him cower if he had not reinforced his stoic demeanor before approaching her. "I am disgusted at myself for ever loving you, I don't know if I will ever forgive myself for wasting so much time on you. However, I certainly will do it no longer, goodbye Lord Bridgerton." She turned to exit the door. But he grabbed her wrist refusing to let her leave him again. 

His grasp alone could no longer radiate electricity, not in the way it had before under such overwrought conditions. "You have no right to my audience stop acting like you do."

"Don't marry Colin... Carrie, please, just not him. Literally anybody but him!" Tears began welling in his eyes, the first time she had seen him so genuinely emotional since the presentation, the very first time they'd seen each other after six years. His tears stained his cheeks as he continued no longer holding back, responding with sincerity instead of anger to her as he had for the past week. 

"Marry Colin? I am not marrying Colin! Stop talking of all these delusions, Anthony, and treat me like a human being, please!" 

"How can I? You won't let me talk to you half the time." He leaned back on the front of his desk, arms crossed. 

"Yes, well...You've just been so kind with every interaction we've had so–"

"Well, that was only after I thought you were–"

"–marrying Colin," they said it at the same time hers as an exasperated question and his a shameful admission.

"And that is why you won't even respect me? I am not marrying your brother, Lord Bridgerton. Even if I was that would be none of your business." She stepped closer to him imitating the way he had tried to intimidate her in the past by towering over her. It didn't work perfectly as she was still much shorter even as he slouched against the desk, however, her point of severity was taken.

"Of course it is _my_ business! He is _my_ brother!"

"Okay, will you please give me an acceptable list of men I can marry? If this is truly about Colin then it should only include him, correct?" she stepped towards him again, fury building within her. She needed him to understand she was not to be fucked with. Not again. Her glare was effective nearly making him stumble on his words as he tried to maintain his causal composure against the desk.

"Well... you certainly can't marry Prince Telvie or Lord Berbrooke. And of course, there's Lord Pembely," he said his crossed arms dropping to his sides. 

Caroline laughed, "You cannot be serious?" She paused, practically terrified, "Oh my god... you are serious..."

"I have my reasons! Lord Berbrooke is a horrible man! Prince Telvie is a Prince, second inline for the throne, you would be miserable in Russia, let alone Russian court... and the fact that he will never marry you–"

"Why? For the same reason you wouldn't? My family? The value of my dowery? Something so benign, that you allowed it to rule your entire life? But here you are begging me not to marry anyone because it controls you so aggressively–"

"You can marry someone, just not–"

"Not anyone who wants me? Or anyone I would actually be happy with right? After all this time, that is what this is all about, it would kill you to think another man could make me happy." She stepped closer, if she had taken one more would've stood between semi-opened legs that support his lean against the desk. "Would you die if you saw another man put his hands on me... No like really put his hands on me," her eyes were narrow, her voice was becoming ragged unable to control what she was saying nearly breathless as every impulse within her worked overtime to truly make Anthony hurt inside. "Would you die to know other men have– put their hands on me? How much I enjoyed it? How much I preferred it to you," she shot her many lies at him with venom knowing they would puncture Anthony directly in the scars of their shared history. His eyes were dark glinting with fire, his lips opened and closed repeatedly like he had a thousand more horrible things to reply with but refused to. Instead, his head dropped to the ground more tears silently falling as he shook his head. She grinned wickedly finally understanding how he could so easily laugh at her pain after layers of resentment separated her empathy from his emotions.

"Despite the fact that you are courting the Princess. What even are your intentions with her Anthony? She is a Princess you cannot play your tricks on her too."

"I am _marrying_ the Princess, Carrie," the words choked out reluctantly, he still refused to look at her.

"Jesus Anthony, how old is she? 16? Much younger than Eloise I assume," Caroline began disgusted at the prospect of a near-decade age gap between the two, especially such a young girl who had an entire prosperous life as a princess ahead of her she could likely never marry if she wished. She certainly did not have to settle for a rake like Antony.

"She's seventeen..." Anthony mumbled still not pleased with his defense.

"Hah. Much better." Caroline walked away from her position. Anthony seethed both in shame at the words that confirmed anxieties he already had and at the loss of her presence though they were not even close to touching. Watching her with a furious glare as she paced the room. 

"Why do you even care so much?"

"Hah. Why do _you_ care so much about who _I_ marry then? I care about Nathalia, she needs to know what she's getting into. I was her age when you destroyed my life. She needs to know who she is marrying."

"I did not destroy your life," Anthony scoffed at the very notion. Caroline stopped pacing facing Anthony her eyes narrowing into a piercing glare. 

"You most certainly did and you very much appear to continue to, so..." Caroline took a step towards him again. "Deny it for your pride or conscience, whatever your will, but you certainly did."

"Regardless I have changed, we have all grown up... We all have to grow up," he sighed guilty unable to look at her resentful glare. 

Caroline responded with laughter again but not the huffy and dry sarcastic 'Hah.' she had begun each sentence with. Instead, she genuinely laughed that large belly-aching laugh, so hard she thought she might cry at the mere absurdity of Anthony saying such a thing. At the absurdity of Anthony believing he had the self-awareness to assess whether he "changed" or not. Anthony's fist tightened as his face reddened in anger and insecurity at her reaction.

"You have not changed at all," Caroline took yet another step towards him as darkness overtook the genuine laughter, replacing her position again back to practically between his legs, centimeters apart. 

"Yes, I have!" Anthony shifted uncomfortably against the desk in reaction to her words and proximity. 

"No you haven't, I can tell. You behave even worse than you did when we teenagers. You and your temper are a terrifying team."

"And you are so perfect?" he asked finally looking up to meet her eyes, ensuring she would not see any weakness from him in them. 

"A changed man would not taunt 'someone he loved' so cruelly at every given opportunity," she said her teeth grinding through the words. 

"No, but you as perfect as you are," he drew a sharp breath as he glanced across her entire body for only a second, though it was a magical feeling like he had taken in her body for nearly hours. "You would just taunt the man that loves you. You would tell me of every man that dared to touch what is... mine," he shocked her when he said it as he grabbed her by the hips pulling her closer to him. The many layers of her dress between her and his upper thighs. His hands feeling the layers in his fingertips as he held on to the large handfuls of fabrics desperate for flesh beneath them. It had been a rash and feral instinct, one he desperately tried to curved... but she stood so close to him, taunting him so effortlessly and in the split second he made the poor choice.

"Yours?" she cried disgusted at his presumptuousness attempting not to get distracted by the touching of their bodies. 

"Mine..." he was entranced by her so close to him again, studying her face, taking one of his hands away from her hip and dragging his fingers lightly across her collarbone.

Arousal pooled within her as every action he took reminded her more and more of her midnight fantasy, her rewrite of what could have occurred at the Opera. Her lips quivered forcing them open, eyes burning with passion and frustration as she deeply tried to resist the advances he knew always encouraged her. 

"I know you lied..." he mumbled

"Huh..." Which part she wondered.

His fingers continued up her collarbone until lingering across her throat reverberating the gentle sensation along the tender skin of her neck. She leaned in practically as hypnotized as he was. "Do they touch you like I do?" he asked, his fingers drawing tiny circles along the outer edge of her trachea. He leaned down bringing his face too close to her ear, she felt his breath tickling the edges of her earlobe. "Do you think about _them_ when you touch yourself? Or do you think about _me_? I think you do. What I would– what I _want_ to do to you. What I have done to you?" He pulled away hungry for her reaction.

Her eye widened at his vulgarity, her entire face became bright pink, any stoic resistance she had up to this point vanished, she fumbled to find words, sputtering breaths instead as her chest heaved and her heartbeat drowned out her mind. "....No, I–" she cut herself off her face and voice completely unconvincing the gleefully amused Anthony. 

"Did _you_ touch yourself thinking about me last night, Carrie?" his eyes darkened as he said it not in anger or hate but in clear and obvious lust and hedonistic impulse. The words stunned her so suddenly with their factualness and her unwelcomed arousal at them being whispered so close to her face that she didn't know whether to slap or kiss him. She couldn't possibly dare let anyone, especially Anthony know such as thing. Innocently frazzled at his vulgarity but staring lustfully back at him, lips slightly parted eyes dropping, as if half-drunk, staring at his lips seductively tempting him to give in to even deeper impulses. He took her hesitation as invitation, leaning in to kiss her. 

In an almost compulsive reflex, Caroline lifted her open palm to slap Anthony rejecting the secretly desired kiss. But his own reflexes were fast too, his hand breaking free ever so quickly from her neck to grab her wrist before she could make contact with his face. It frightened her, not at what she thought he would do next but that she was able to be so angry she would ever slap him. That he would be so disrespectful as to try to kiss her without permission, after everything between them.

"Please...Don't do this now..." he pleaded through whispers. His voice terrified not of being slapped or rejected but terrified of her leaving his side once again. Straightening up from his lounging position on the desk daring even closer to her. Slightly tightening his other hand's grip on her hip. His other hand still on her wrist gently guiding her own hand to cup her face as he brought his face into hers once more. This time not even daring to kiss her, but far more intimately bringing his forehead hers and closing his eyes. She almost instinctually reacted reciprocating the gesture, along with his deep and ragged breath, desperate to feel his closeness one last time, no matter the consequences. 

It could been seconds or it could have been hours that they stood top of their foreheads pressed together, lips dangling apart, feeling each other's breath, the life, and spirit of moving throughout each of them collectively. It was so overwhelming as if nothing mattered, none of the fights or the past. All they needed was the two of them, only the two of them and they could be happy at last, finally reunited forever. 

" _Marry me, Carrie,_ " he breathed almost wordlessly knowing she would still be able to hear him.

They were said so soft and gentle she would have trusted the words if it had been the first time she heard them.

"No..." she squeaked unable to truly believe herself. She shook her head, eyes widening as she truly processed his threatening words. "NO! Anthony, stop! Don't be cruel not again, not like this. Please don't do this again..."

"It's not cruelty, Carrie, I _love_ you! Don't you see? I am only cruel when I am apart from you, you know this...you make me whole, a better man. That's why we belong together, I am yours and you are mine," he positioned his hands on her hips once more pulling her even closer into him, practically in his lap, pressing himself against her.

"That isn't true. I am not yours, Anthony Bridgerton. And frankly, I am as disgusted with you as I am the girl that allowed herself to ever be yours. Get your fucking hands off me." She spat at him directly in his face. Quite literally spat, surprising even herself at the uncharacteristic act, though she felt Anthony's behavior had pushed her far too over the edge. He was completely rattled unsure how to react at all, but merely replacing his hopefully silly grin with a disappointed frown as he wiped the spit from his lips. 

"Do not marry Nathalia if will treat her even a fraction of the way to you have treated me. Or do, seems you will do whatever you wish regardless of what I wish..." she backed away from him. Retreating from the study. "But know this. You will never marry me. I swore it four years ago, I still swear it now. You will have no say in who I marry either. And by far, you will never change, Anthony, because you do not wish to. Not truly in a way that counts." Caroline left the study not saying goodbye. Walking past the dining room, tears in her eyes as she ran from the door in a quick getaway.

She stopped for a second pitifully staring at the ground because somehow meeting their eyes would be more pitiful. "Lady Bridgerton, thank you so much for your hospitality and kindness tonight, I am feeling quite unwell I will walk back to the manor. I will see you tomorrow Eloise, and hopefully many of you as well. Hopefully, I will– feel better by then," she tried not to cry as she spoke knowing it was nearly futile. 

"Nonsense, we will take the carriage home," Lady Heathman said casually as if she would get up at her own pace to leave. 

"Thank you– you all so much, goodnight." She stumbled away running for the exit, not stopping until she was safely in the carriage, waiting for Lady Heathman. 

Anthony emerged from his study chasing after her far too late, standing in the hallway staring at the large green door teary-eyed, hands balled into angry fists.

"What on earth did you do to that poor girl?" Lady Heathman asked Anthony slipping out the door. It shut with a large thunk that echoed in Anthony's chest in rhythm with his pounding heartbeat. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a/n so sorry this took so long! It was long with high expectations and it has been a dramatic and uncreative week (i think it's cause mercury is retrograde) anyways here you go hopefully it is long and creative enough to get you through retrograde! 


	14. part XIII: we must wake up the next day

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> a/n: if Lady Danbury can spark a blunt why can't my favorite intellectual ladies? 
> 
> I hope to write another chapter before the weekend is over so I hope that this can suffice until then! SO sorry about the long break I promise I never forgot about y'all! Thank you for reading!

__

_Songs:  
Death by Hundred Cuts- Taylor Swift  
A Better Son/Daughter- Rilo Kiley  
Baby Girl- Chloe X Halle_

*******

"Will you take Nathalia to the gardens today?" Eloise asked sternly looking Anthony up and down.

"Yes, do not worry I will be gone long before Miss Kensington arrives," Anthony grumbled into his newspaper in reply not meeting her judgemental gaze.

"I should hope so, it may be the least you can do after last night."

"It wasn't my fault..."

"Whose fault was it then, Anthony?" Eloise scoffed with a pointed glare. "You were so cruel to her last night, I thought you were friends. I mean did you not–"

"We are certainly not friends," Anthony scoffed right back not letting her finish the sentence. "Whatever you think you know, Eloise is mistaken. Why don't you leave the conjecture to Lady Whistledown?" Anthony peered over his paper with a glare.

"Then perhaps you'll be pleased to learn your mythical relationship is old hat to her and half of the _ton_ , the Prince and Princess are back to being front and center _._ "

"Hooray, the natural order has been reset," Anthony murmured sarcastically back into his paper. 

"And as for Caroline... Lady Whistledown is already taking bets on who she will marry!" Eloise prodded Anthony with a wicked grin. Anthony's jaw twitched as his heart fell so suddenly out his chest and onto his lap in a fit of anxiety and anger. 

"Who do _you_ think it will be Lord Pembley or Prince Telvie? Lady Whistledown thinks Lord Pembley, as it would be far too fantastical for Caroline to marry a prince. But oh! How ironic it would if you and Caroline ended up brother and sister-in-law?" Eloise continued only further enraging an already very red Anthony, perhaps unsure or uncaring of how greatly such words affected him. He stood from the corner armchair hastily snatching the copy of Lady Whistledown from his sister's hand before storming out of the room and leaving the Bridgerton home. 

He wordlessly entered his carriage. He sat hands still shaking as he combed over the gossip column skimming for mentions of Caroline. 

_Over the weekend_ _Prince Telvie escorted Miss Kensington to the Opera,_ _causing quite the murmur among us all. Perhaps the_ _season's underdog has managed to move on to a handsome and far politer gentleman. Perhaps even two gentlemen? Both Prince Telvie and his very best friend and travel companion, Lord Pembley, have appeared to take interest in Miss Kensington, however, is she really a modern Cinderella? Will the next Russian Queen be a peasant? I highly doubt it reader, as should we all._

_LADY WHISTEDOWN SOCIETY PAPERS  
May 1, 1814_

*******

Caroline lay nestled atop the carpeted floor, the firm but soft sensation along her back barely providing a productive comfort, however, somehow lying in bed to cry felt too indulgent. Perhaps due to Caroline's confidence or depression, she couldn't determine it but pillows seemed somehow even unworthy of her tears. Instead, she stared at the decorative ceiling cycling between completely still silence and fits of loud but muddled sobs. 

The door to the bedroom clattered obnoxiously as if it had been awkwardly ripped open. In stumbled Mia clearing her throat in announcement causing Caroline to roll her eyes back, clearing them of tears and wiping the nearly raw skin where large eyes bags of tired sorrow laid. 

"Are you still _not_ crying?" Mia asked stood across the room still giving Caroline her desired space even after many hours. 

"Yes! Exactly," Caroline half choked on her reassuring laugh still refusing to move from her self-pitying declination on the floor, still wiping a stray tear.

"It's been hours Carrie.. do you want to try eat–"

"You mock my sadness?" Caroline's voice was deep, unfamiliar, and sullen. 

"Not at all Carrie, I never–" Mia stumbled over her words, shocked.

"You weren't there, Mia! Few would blame me if I never ate again. I've lost all my will to live," it was an exhausted but ultimately hyperbolic sigh. 

"Now that is _far too_ dramatic for my taste," Mia responded with another sympathetic grimace. "I am finally done with you sulking," Mia paced to her side plucking Caroline's dead-weight arm from the floor. Caroline rolled her eyes again, this time in annoyance. 

Mia kept pulling but Caroline still refused to budge, finally rolling over face down onto the floor groaning, "Aggggh!" practically shouting into the carpet. 

"Enough!" Mia ran to the curtains flinging each of them open, blinding Caroline and drenching the depression of the dark room in relieving but volatile light. Mia did not quit though, opening each window allowing fresh air to flood the stuffy room as well, reminding Caroline there was indeed a life, a whole entire world outside her own sadness. Caroline looked up and took a deep inhale of the spring air and felt immediately better but remained to frown returning to lying on her back when Mia turned back to face her. "Will you get up now, it is a beautiful day! I know seeing Lord Bridgerton was–"

"You _weren't there_ you don't understand at all!" Caroline shouted crossing her arms indignantly not wanting to feel better no matter how hard Mia tried to force her. 

"Do you care to enlighten me then, so that perhaps I may _understand_?" Mia stared directly down at her, both expectant but compassionately extending her hands to help Caroline back up if she so wished. 

Caroline only stared back at Mia silently remaining on the floor. She didn't even know how to process let alone verbalize what Anthony had said to her in his study. She couldn't even think about what to say to Mia without sobbing, how to even begin to explain without bursting into tears. Though talking about her past abstractly yesterday afternoon with Mia made her feel relieved, explaining such recent specifics tore at each aspect of Caroline's pride and already broken heart. "I..." Caroline never finished the sentence. 

"Uhuh.... that's what I thought." Mia looked almost hurt herself. 

"You are not entitled to my entire life story just because you wish to be there for me," Caroline snapped finally propping herself on her hands.

"Message received, my lady." Mia retreated snarkily. 

"You know I didn't mean it like that, I just cannot share my feelings as freely as perhaps you wish I would. It is purely a reflection of me not you," Caroline finally got from the floor, walking to the open window, feeling the fresh breeze and overlooking the square in distraction.

Mia sat beside Caroline on the windowsill joining her in distracted gaze at the small silhouetted people shuffling below. "I'm sorry I thought I was being a good friend to you... truth be told I don't have the most experience comforting others, or being comforted myself. I don't exactly know how to react but I do wish to be there for you," Mia finally tutted meekly.

"No, please don't apologize for caring about me, Mia," Caroline turned to her flinging her arms around her finally accepting the love and support she had been offering for hours that she had kept refusing in blind stubborn heartbreak. The love and support from her friend near-instantly almost solved all the hollow feelings of insecurity Anthony created. "I must be apologizing to you, as accepting your comfort has made me feel better than any amount of sulking could." Mia smiled, her arms only tightened around Caroline in acceptance of her apology. 

"So does this mean you _will_ be going to the Bridgerton's for tea? I will prepare your dresses!" Mia got up from the stoop when they finally broke free from their embrace. Caroline's face fell almost immediately. Mia recognized it, her own smile immediately dropping as well. "Oh no..."

Caroline slouched limply down to the carpeted floor once again. Mia groaned in repetitive frustration.

"No! No. Please! Caroline not again!" Mia protested as she watched Caroline stumbled back down the familiar but unproductive despair spiral again. 

******

Nathalia and Anthony walked through the garden together. Nathalia's strange accent, an unusual mixture of French and Russian distracted Anthony from the actual content of her words, though to be honest, he had never actually been listening, too focused on the events of last night and Lady Whistledown's latest article. Nathalia was describing concepts far too complex for Anthony to truly understand anyways. 

"My brother made sure I spent all my childhood studying in Paris and other metropolitan capitals. It was a priority to him that I help bring another cultural renaissance to Russia. Education and culture are of utmost importance to him," Nathalia continued on. "His favorite is opera. He wanted to recruit more members for court, though I told him 'Why on earth would you take us to England when I am already in Paris?' The upper Escalon of art and music," she scoffed with a slight snobbery before returning to her initial thought. "Obviously, he had ulterior motives..." Nathalia motioned to Anthony who suddenly remembered he was supposed to be listening, realizing she was talking about him and their already implied and presumptuous marriage. He could not gauge her feelings by her tone alone though. 

"You sound disappointed. Did he really not warn you?" Anthony asked with genuine concern stopping them both along the path. 

"Of course he did. Practically every day since adolescence, I just never truly saw it coming. And somehow I always believed– maybe hoped I would manage to find a person I truly loved at french court and now I..." Nathalia turned away from Anthony biting her lip trying to stop the tempting words from spilling any further. She clearly longed to share but didn't trust Anthony yet, and he could hardly blame her. This is was practically the first time he had actually paid any genuine attention or care towards her outside of his general everyday facade of gentlemanliness. 

Anthony reached into his jacket pocket pulling a handkerchief from it and handing it to Nathalia. She took it with a smile though tears had hardly fallen anyways, she still appreciated the awkward but ultimately kind-hearted gesture. Perhaps allowing herself to bond however she could with the man who may one day be her husband. 

"The last thing I would ever want is for you to feel trapped. Whether it be in this courtship or in any eventual engagement let alone marriage. I don't intend to propose unless you wish me to, even if it is what your brother asks of me," he smiled but it was too awkward like his reassurance. He didn't know how to talk to Nathalia still.

"I do not think my brother could _ever_ force into anything I didn't wish. No one could. Especially into a marriage, though your compassion does bring me some solace for the future. Perhaps I misjudged you, Lord Bridgerton."

Anthony's eyebrows raised in slight shock and embarrassment. What did she mean by she had misjudged him? As in negatively? The thought made Anthony's ears turn pink and a thin cold sheen of sweat across his brow reminded him of every humiliating thing he had done so far that he had pretended no one else had noticed. All the outbursts and childish sniping under hushed breath had caught up to him as now someone other than his family was willing to acknowledge the apparent yet unspoken universal truth. That everyone who had witnessed their outbursts knew Anthony was obnoxiously encapsulated by Caroline, or at least had noticed the incessant pestering. 

"I–," Nathalia was suddenly at a loss for words the two stared at each other awkwardly frozen on the path unable to proceed with either walking or conversation. 

"You don't have to explain, it's okay," Anthony quietly broke the silence though they remained stuck in place.

"I didn't mean it like that. You're a good man Lord Bridgerton, I know that now!" Nathalia said it with the same awkward reassurance Anthony had provided her. Unsure and wary of the reality though intent on comforting. 

"No, you were right..." Anthony trailed off as well no longer wishing to continue any conversation discussing his morality or character. "You don't know me and I am not a good man." Anthony shook his head slowly looking down at the ground. "I– I want to be better, I just don't know how I can," tears felt on the horizon as Anthony began letting words he couldn't take back fall from his lips. Expressions of feelings he had hidden away for years, somehow uncovered by such an unexpected conversation with a girl he hardly knew.

"Maybe you need this back then," Nathalia handed Anthony back his unused handkerchief with an even more compassionate smile hoping he would believe her when she said, "You are right, I don't know you, not well enough. But I do know that truly awful men hardly know they are in need of such a moral change, even fewer can admit that they don't know how to change by themselves, fewer even still persevere and attempt to alone still." She surprised Anthony resting her hand on his shoulder in comfort. "I also know that even just one person believing in you can do more than you could ever imagine."

"I fear I have run out of every chance to let people believe in me again," Anthony mumbled not wishing for Nathalia to hear the insecurity in his voice. "I fear that nobody believes in me, not anymore after everything I've done."

"Somehow I doubt that after meeting your family and friends... but even if that were true Lord Bridgerton," she smiled up at him forcing his attention from the cold ground back to her reassurance. "I believe in you," her unexpected kindness made Anthony blush. "I truly believe that if you wanted to, you could be that man that you could change beyond just the superficial."

Anthony smiled before a slight insecure giggle escaped his lips. Unsure why he deserved such empathy from Nathalia, especially after all he'd done to Caroline last night alone. No, he thought to himself, he was not a good person but maybe Nathlia, though perhaps naive, was right. Maybe her believing in him was enough to change, after all, wasn't that what his mother was always blabbering on about: 'Reformed rakes make the best husbands' perhaps she meant all a rake needed was the right girl to change for. And though his expectations of how he'd meet that girl and who she would be were all slightly different. Maybe Nathalia was in fact the right girl all along. It couldn't just be _that_ simple to change, could it?

"You really don't have to say all that just to make me feel better, Princess," Anthony finally cleared his throat responding to her hopeful grin.

"I suppose you could choose to believe that, that no one believes in you. That you will always this way or you could just trust me and take it as another opportunity to try again Lord Bridgerton." Her cheerfulness was stubborn, empathy unwavering. 

Her positivity finally broke through Anthony's hard exterior allowing him to crack a genuine smile back at her before taking her arm and continuing their walk finally. This time he actually took care to listen to everything she said and engage actively in the conversation that he was shocked and embarrassed to realize it had been captivating all along, feeling guilty that he had so underestimated Nathalia in every way. 

******

"Why isn't she here yet?" Eloise paced nervously about the drawing-room unable to stop fidgeting with the sheer finishing covering her satin lavender dress. Scrunching the fabric back and forth in her fingers anxiously. 

"It has only been a half-hour, did you even set a specific time?" Colin called as he passed her on his way to the foyer about to head to his club. 

"Well... no but I said afternoon and it is the afternoon now... and– Oh quiet Colin! I just hope Anthony didn't scare her away," Eloise's voice was melodically anxious each word half shaking and stumbling as she tried to fix the nonexistent imperfections of the afternoon tea spread. 

"Why are you so nervous Eloise? Miss Kensington has known you since you were a child there is no reason to put on such airs or be so anxious that she will attend today over the next time or the other. You two will have tea many a time, even if she is too emotionally exhausted from last night... Mother will certainly see to it," Colin's smile fell to a silly frown making Elouse chuckle but only internally. 

"It is precisely because she has known me since I was a young child that I _need_ to make a new, a better impression! Caroline is the kind of woman I can really see myself bonding with, being myself with and I must not let her think I am still that immature child I was! I am _an intellectual_ ladynow _,_ Colin!" Eloise crossed her arms in a pretentious huff that Colin knew only stemmed from never being taken seriously as a teenage girl in a world run by men. Tone that on any man would be arrogant and obnoxious but was endearing and admirable in its signaling of such perseverance to remain herself. 

Colin smiled. "Of course, I could understand that." He himself had wondered how Caroline had initially perceived him and how she had or could change her mind about him or maybe even them, together. 

"So it is imperative that I make a good impression, Colin!" Eloise grabbed the lapel of his jacket with both hands as if he had been about to leave the room though he had actually stayed only to talk to her and had remained still the entire time they had talked. Her eyes begged him almost with an expected entitlement or offense that he had not offered already for her, though she had still asked nothing of him. 

"What do you want?" Colin groaned half regretting his choice to stop and listen to Eloise talking to herself in the first place, even more, annoyed he had replied to her actually rhetorical ramblings. 

"Don't be like that, dear brother! Please, just stop by the Heathman manor and see that Miss Kensington is all right?" 

Colin looked back at Eloise almost concerned mostly amused at Eloise's endearing hope to become friends with Caroline. 

"She said she was under the weather last night! The least we can do is check on her!" Eloise smiled, before mumbling under her breath, "and finally know why she couldn't show up for tea..."

"Okay fine! I will stop on my way to the club if it will get you off my back!" Colin rolled his eyes but still chuckled lightheartedly as he pulled away from Eloise's anxious clutches. Only mumbling, "Yeah yeah, goodbye, Eloise." As he left not exactly listening to his sister's exaggerated gratitude and praise as he left.

A butler opened the door for Colin and in divine intervention, he was met with the arrival of the Heathman's carriage to their courtyard. Colin bolted to the footman's position opening the door instead. 

Caroline almost didn't notice him as she was nervously repeating over and over in her head, 'Do not engage with Anthony... He shouldn't even be here, but still do not engage. Not in any way.' She practically stumbled when she realized Colin was the one holding her hand. Forcing him to hold tighter in support. They both greeted each other in an awkward chuckle still on the steps of the carriage. 

"Why, hello, Miss Kensington," Colin grinned. He was closer than she was used to him being his face a few inches from hers. "You look lovely this afternoon."

She couldn't tell if it was a lie, though he had no reason to. She just knew she felt like absolute shit. Hours of crying had ruined any aspiration to look appealing today. Caroline's eyes not only felt puffy and red the bags beneath were dry and irritated from too many salty tears. Her entire body felt bloated against her loose white dress but still, she felt hollow. Eating just didn't even seem like an option at this tea party when she was this miserable all over. But she was here. She would not let Anthony ruin any friendship she could have Eloise, though she knew he'd want nothing more. And Colin's compliment, whatever its true intent, made her finally feel just somewhat like herself again. 

"Thank you, Mr. Bridgerton, you are quite sharp yourself," she stifled an instinctual but flirtatious smile that he noticed triumphantly as she straightened the slightly askew lapel Eloise had mangled. "You leaving just as I am arriving? Where are your manners?" her expression was facetious but smug making Colin dropped her hand though she was already firmly on the ground. 

"Perhaps I will remain just a little longer then? Though I doubt that Eloise would want me joining you for tea she did say this was to be a 'Ladies' Lunch of Intellectualism'."

"Did she now?" Caroline asked returning to slightly anxious again not realizing that this tea would have such expectations and she did not know if she could match up to Eloise.

"I do hope I did not just convince you to go right back home?" 

"No! Of course not!" Caroline's laugh was nervous and didn't reassure him but still, he escorted her inside his home.

Eloise seemed just as nervous and jittery as Caroline was when they finally greeted each other. Neither of them knowing exactly how to be comfortable around each other yet. After hugs and pleasantries the two sat down for tea and it became silent, neither one knowing who should begin the conversation. Both not wanting to step on each other's toes.

"I–" they both began and giggled. 

"Thank you for–" they bother began to speak over each other again and though both giggled awkwardly again. Caroline fell silent letting Eloise finish. 

"Thank you so much for coming, I know after last night, well I don't _know_ anything, but I just wanted to say I am so grateful you still made it here, just to see me!" Eloise smiled. 

"No, thank you so much for inviting me! I was happy to come!" Caroline reassured her.

It was awkwardly silent again. Unsure if either of them should bring up the elephant in the room, dinner last night here at the Bridgerton home.

Colin awkwardly excused himself realizing the two minutes of awkward nervous silence was more than enough for him. "Well I must be off to my club, I will see you both later, I'm sure. Miss Kensington," he bowed to her slightly before leaving in a flash before either of them could protest.

"Damn," Eloise mumbled under her breath making Caroline a little more relieved that perhaps she could relax and be more colloquial with Eloise. "Umm– Tea?" Eloise gestured to the silver tray and teapot.

"Oh yes, why thank you!" Caroline replied and before she could pour it herself Eloise did it for her then pouring herself a cup.

They both took the cups and saucers taking a sip at the same time before almost immediately slouching back into the couch. It was a practical mirror in both motion and awkward candor. 

They both set down their teacups, Caroline took a breath nervously, "Eloise whose home?"

"Oh don't worry Anthony is not here!" she replied reassuringly.

"No, I just meant, who besides us is here?"

"Oh well, let's see after Colin left it's likely just us and the servants! Why do you ask?"

"Well, no reason... I mean except well, just one," Caroline was even more nervous fumbling with her tiny purse. "Eloise," Caroline sighed one last time before pulling it from her purse. "Do you smoke?" 

Caroline held a large hand-wrapped cigar up between her thumb and pointer finger grinning anxiously at Elouse hoping she would approve. Though Caroline was unsure about the reaction she would have to using cannabis in such a casual context.

Eloise didn't reply but her eyes grew wide and then suspicious as though she wasn't sure exactly what Caroline was holding. "...is that?" Eloise glanced back and forth between Caroline and the blunt, then grinned devilishly. Caroline was relieved at last returned the knowing smile before they both exploded into giggles. 

**a/n:** if Lady Danbury can spark a blunt why can't my favorite intellectual ladies? 

I hope to write another chapter before the weekend is over so I hope that this can suffice until then! SO sorry about the long break I promise I never forgot about y'all! Thank you for reading, if you are enjoying this story so far please give this chapter a vote! Have a great weekend!


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